Health and Boundaries: Clearing the Path to Success

Boundaries: I know we have all heard the word, and when you are in therapy or talking about having healthy mental health, the “Boundaries” word comes up A LOT, but what does it mean, and why are they so important? Let’s talk about it, starting with what exactly what boundaries are. The definition of boundaries is a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. We can use that definition when it comes to emotional well-being too. So this “line” can be physical space or limits around one another; it can be emotional space or limits, like not taking responsibility for another person’s feelings or actions and only taking responsibility for your own. A boundary can also be a protection from another person or physical space, for example, saying no to a neighbor borrowing the car or a fence to protect us from falling off a cliff. 

Why do we need boundaries? 

Boundaries help us maintain our own energy, and they help us build and maintain relationships with others. They help us not to build resentment or anger, and they help us not reach burnout; plus, they allow us to communicate freely and openly, as they create emotional and physical safety. You can think of boundaries as a way to provide a deeper connection to ourselves and those we love and care about. For example, if you and your wife need time away from the children because you haven’t had alone time in six months, setting up a four-hour “time out, aka dinner with the wife,” is compassionate and kind to you; your wife, and the children. Additionally, boundaries protect us from people that want to take advantage of us or those who devalue us or do not respect us, such as abusers.

What stops us from creating and maintaining boundaries?

 People feel guilty setting boundaries because they feel they are being “mean” to the other person. In reality, if you are using assertive communication and not aggressive communication, your boundary is clear and set, and it’s not mean at all. None of us want to upset people; sometimes, setting a clear boundary makes others upset. However, setting a healthy boundary helps us to prioritize ourselves. A boundary like putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher when you are done eating is a simple request. Verses being upset because your son leaves out his snack plate daily. We have often been taught not to say something or be upset when others cross our lines. However, if the behavior continues, it sets us up for a fight, and nobody wins. 

How can we set and maintain healthy boundaries? 

Being very clear and assertive in your communication is a start to healthy boundaries. Do things that YOU want to do in your life and not only what others are wanting or expecting of you; if it does not fit your narrative for your life, you are not obligated to go on with it. Accepting when another person says no is a sign that you are respecting their boundaries. Always be respectful when setting boundaries with others, and a great way to do this is using “I statements.” 

Examples of boundaries:

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries to get you started: 

Physical- shaking hand or fist bump instead of hugging, not entering someone’s personal space like a bedroom or office without asking, 

Emotional - If you are in a challenging emotional space, you can ask the other person if they are in a space to hear your issues at that moment. On the flip side, if someone is putting all their emotional baggage on you and you are in a tough emotional spot, letting them know that you are not in a place to handle their emotions. Setting clear boundaries with time, such as “I can only come over for one hour.”

Financial- this is a big one; talk about expectations, who pays for what,  how do they pay cash credit, and how you determine who and how they pay. Money is a value that comes from our childhood family, so when couples get together, you must talk about who pays the bills, when they should be paid,  how we decide what to buy and how much we can spend without having to talk to the other person. 

Sexual- asking for consent, being clear about what pleases you and your partner, requesting protection, discussing contraception,  and saying no to things you do not like or want.

Also, remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes we all have crossed a boundary line. If you notice, you have to stop and readjust. Maybe you said yes to hosting the baby shower, but you are just too overwhelmed and need to say no or get others to help. Make the adjustments and allow others to do the same. People are not minding readers, so we must gently tell them where our dividing line is. Do not expect them to “just know” or even to remember from the last time. Tell them again, be clear and Also, remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes we all have crossed a boundary line. If you notice, you have to stop and readjust. Maybe you said yes to hosting the baby shower, but you are just too overwhelmed and need to say no or get others to help. Make the adjustments and allow others to do the same. People are not minding readers, so we must gently tell them where our dividing line is. Do not expect them to “just know” or even to remember from the last time. Tell them again, be clear and be polite.

By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

Courtney works in our Murrieta office, and she approaches clients by working collaboratively with each client to create a path to a happier and more fulfilled life. She helps clients by increasing self-awareness, reducing emotional triggers and barriers. She is great at developing goals and limit setting with clients. Courtney loves working with people that suffer from anxiety, compulsive behaviors, couples, and teens. If you need help with boundaries, call us today to work with Courtney.

Are You Feeling a Little Bit Depressed?

Are you usually a carefree and happy go, lucky person? Do you typically look to the glass being half full? Are you now with all this uncertainty feeling a bit depressed, nervous, or isolated? I want to assure you that you are not alone.

Human beings like structure, predictability, routine, and our brains work hard at creating habits out of mundane tasks. By grouping tasks together, our minds don’t have to remember it all. Often we do things mindlessly like drive to work, get ready for bed, manage money, or eating right are all examples of habits that we can put on automatic.

In our present world, our regular routines have changed or are suspended. Maybe you always stopped by the coffee shop to pick up your Café Americano or Caramel Macchiato, and now you are at home and no longer stopping by the coffee shop. Maybe you are not getting up at your “normal” work time, and perhaps you are staying up later because you do not have to get up as early. Many of us have been asked to work from home unless we are considered to be essential services. (a big shout out to those hard-working folks that are still doing their jobs; first responders, CPS workers, medical employees, faithful grocery workers, and others). By the way, we are also open but asking our clients to have telehealth appointments.

You might have noticed that you are not sleeping well at night or perhaps sleeping more, or your body may be craving more carbohydrates, and you are worried, restless, not sure of what to do with yourself. You may just feel down or blah. These are all normal reactions to what we are all experiencing in our world right now. The ambiguity and uncertainness can make us edgy and nervous. In the last few days, we have learned a new vocabulary, “social distancing”, “self-quarantine,” and “intervention Activities” heck we didn’t even know that CORVOD-19 was even a thing. Now that has all changed.

Our kids are home from school at first for two weeks now, some for two months or potentially longer. This whole pandemic is odd, and we have not experienced it before. If you are feeling a bit blue welcome to the “normal club,” depression and anxiety can be constant visitors for the next few weeks.

Let’s shift our focus and take a look at activities that can help reduce some of the depression or anxiety while keeping social distancing in place.

Go outside. The CDC and World Health Organization recommend going outside, just not in groups, and keep the 6’ space between you and others. The sun helps us by providing vitamin D and Serotonin, which is a chemical released by our brain. Serotonin is considered a natural mood stabilizer. Serotonin helps with many of our bodily functions, including bowel movements, bone health, sexual function, blood clotting, moods, and others. Specifically, Serotonin helps regulate our sleep, eating, and digestion. It also helps reduce depression and control anxiety. Ever wonder why when you are stressed you carve more carbohydrates? It’s to boost our serotonin levels. Going outside in the sunlight for 30 minutes daily can really help.

Open up the blinds or drapes. Allowing sunlight into your home will help with mood and may even kill bacteria. In a 2018 study, researchers at the University of Oregon found that in dark rooms, bacteria on average were alive 12% more than in a room filled with sunlight. Bacteria on average, in light-filled rooms, was only 6.8%. Less light can also mess with your Melatonin levels causing you to become sleep-deprived and grumpy.

Exercise we have long known that exercise is a natural treatment to fight depression. In an updated Harvard Health Letter from 2018, from the Harvard Medical School, Research shows that exercise is an effective treatment, and "for some people, it works as well as antidepressant medication.” It is most important to pick an exercise you like. Activities that you can still do includes running, biking, yoga, walking, swimming, resistance bands, and home workout videos. You can find plenty of ones on YouTube and since you have been watching those cat videos anyway, just add a 30-minute workout, then watch the cat videos.

Take a break from the news and social media. Give yourself some time off; endless news can increase depression and anxiety. We all need some downtime and continuously hearing the news can be detrimental to our mental health

Talk to loved ones and friends. This can be hard when we feel down, but it is crucial to keep in touch with our social supports. They may be struggling too. Just safely contact them over video chat or phone.

Listen to music; it’s a great time to find a new artist you like or create a new playlist. Music can be calming, reduce blood pressure, boost mood, and reduce anxiety.

Our brains are trying to make sense of this world, and you may feel ‘out of it” or in a fog. However, if your depression or anxiety grows during this time of social distancing, please reach out and get help. We are offering telehealth services, and research shows that they can be just as effective as in-person therapy. Please don’t suffer alone or needlessly.

 By Sheralyn (Sherry) Shockey-Pope, MA, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

Zen Den

We all know that long term stress is bad for our health, and if we have no relief, it can cause health problems both physically and mentally. We also may be experiencing more stress as this pandemic continues with no definitive end date. Kids are starting back to school mostly online, and that means parents are trying to encourage their children to do their best to pay attention and complete their schoolwork whilst trying to work from home full time. We also know that some people have lost their jobs during this time, and that also creates a tremendous amount of stress. Trying to find a new job currently is extremely difficult. We wanted you to know that we understand, and we are trying our best to help and support our community.

One of our therapists, Diana Barns-Fox, LMFT, has found a creative way to help reduce stress with a calming interactive tool, mediation, breathing, laughing, and much more. All techniques on this webpage have been proven by research to reduce stress and anxiety and increase our positive wellbeing. Diana has pulled all the tools together for you in one place, and they are FREE…. All you have to do is to click on our Zen Den link and start feeling that stress rolling away.

On this page, you will find videos of funny animals, soothing music, and even a drum circle! Check it out here and be sure to share this with your friends

I care. We care. Do You Care? Tips on how to assess and increase your level of self-care

What comes to mind when you hear the words “self-care?” Do you think of the Spa, practicing meditation, or sitting poolside soaking in the sun? Many of us will agree that we practice some form of self-care daily whether you read in your leisure time, exercise, or binge your favorite episodes on Netflix; you are taking time for yourself to “relax.” Even though you may participate in such relaxing activities, do you still find yourself feeling exhausted? Maybe you feel burnt out at work or drained from interacting with friends and family. Something is lacking and you’re not quite sure what it is. Could it be that you are caring for yourself in one area of your life, but not others? You may benefit from a more balanced life.

Before we explore areas of self-care, let’s define the term “self-care.” Research on self-care has tracked how the term has evolved over the past 50 years and has progressed from the term self-care referring to one’s health and illness to caring for oneself and others to improve your general and mental health. It has been defined by Godfrey et. Al (2011):

“Self-care involves a range of care activities deliberately engaged throughout life to promote physical, mental and emotional health, maintain life and prevent disease. Self-care is performed by the individual on their own behalf, for their families, or communities, and includes care by others. In the event of injury, disability or disease, the individual continues to engage in self-care, either on their own or in collaboration with healthcare professionals.  Self-care includes social support and the meeting of social and psychological needs. Self-care provides the continuity of care between interactions with the healthcare system, enabling individuals to manage their disease or disability and maintain well-being.”

Areas of self-care should include, but are not limited to, one’s physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, social health, and professional health. The goal of self-care is to achieve and maintain a balanced life of wellness and well-being amongst all areas. Your plan of self-care should not be a cookie cutter plan; everyone has their own unique and individual needs that may be influenced by their abilities, culture, or beliefs. This makes creating a plan of self-care fun! You can customize your plan to fit you; engaging in fun and creative activities can positively reinforce you following your plan. Implementing a consistent plan of self-care can assist you in balancing work-life, relationships, rest, and overall health.

Look at these suggestive areas of self-care. Take note of what you already do to care for yourself and note where you would like to improve.

Physical Self-Care

• Exercise

• Eat healthy foods

• Eating regularly (breakfast, lunch, dinner)

• Personal hygiene

• Routine check-ups/ Doctor’s visits

• Healthy sleep habits

Mental Self-Care

• Attend therapy

• Join a support group

• Take vacations

• Journal/Self-reflect

• Learn new skills

• Practice soothing skills

Emotional Self-Care

• Talking about my problems

• Find things that make me laugh

• Positive self-talk

• Spend time with others who I enjoy

• Do something that comforts me

• Allow myself to cry

Spiritual Self-Care

• Meditate

• Pray 

• Self-reflect

• Spend time in nature

• Read inspirational books

• Listen to inspirational talks

Social Self-Care

• Make time to see my friends 

• Schedule quality time with spouse/partner/child(ren)

• Ask for and allow help from others

• Spend time with people I like

• Call, message, or visit relatives

• Enlarge my social circle

Professional Self-Care 

• Take breaks (when schedules and when needed)

• Arrange for a comforting workspace

• Make time to talk with coworkers

• Make time to complete projects/tasks

• Meet regularly with supervisors/teams

• Negotiate for my needs

• Attend trainings/professional development courses

There are several self-care assessments available online to help get you started; you can utilize this one attached below from therapistaid.com: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/self-care-assessment.pdf

A mental health professional can also assist you in creating a plan of care to help you get on track to leading a well-balanced life. 

-Danielle

• “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”— Anne Lamott

  References:

  Godfrey, C.M., Harrison, M.B., Lysaght, R., Lamb, M., Graham, I.D. and Oakley, P. (2011), Care of self – care by other – care of other: the meaning of self-care from research, practice, policy and industry perspectives. International Journal of Evidence-Based Healthcare, 9: 3-24. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1609.2010.00196.x

  Therapist Aid- https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/self-care-assessment

Danielle Neazer, AMFT

I enjoy experiencing the journey and aiding my clients to take control of their mental health. I love seeing other people especially my clients become healthier and happier. I find pride in helping others become the best version of themselves. I love learning and teaching. I believe if you teach a person, as opposed to just telling them, how to achieve a life of health and wellness, they can experience change.

I have experience working with children, adolescence, and the young adult population. I specialize in Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Autism Spectrum Disorder

As an AMFT, my personal goal is to continue professional development and achieve licensure. To be competent and use best practices in treating the mental health community. I strive to continue to develop as a therapist and never stop learning.

I am based in our Murrieta location and available for both in-person and telehealth sessions during the week. Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

5 tips on effective communication

Let’s talk! No really, Let’s talk!

Communication is so important with all relationships including friendships, colleagues, family and romantic relationships. We not only want others to listen to us, but we want to be HEARD. There is a difference between talking and communicating, and we have to learn how to communicate effectively.

So we all understand the desire to be heard, right? But HOW does that playout in relationships? How do we make sure we give others the space to be heard? Well, I’m so glad you asked, because we’re diving into some helpful and easy communication tips! You ready? I challenge you to practice these simple and effective tips + tricks and see how your communication is positively affected!

Alright, let’s get to it…

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5 tips on effective communication

1. Listen to one another- give your partner the chance to both talk and listen and reflect on what your partner says. The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner. It is also important to request clarification if we are not sure what our partner is saying. 

2. Remain open- It is easy at times to bottle things up but discussing issues together so you can tackle them together is important. It is also important to say what you mean and be clear. It will also help with self-awareness and being able to admit when you are wrong and working through it to move forward.

3. Identify your communication style- The four main communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Passive communicators are the ones who find it hard to say “no”. aggressive communicators are often very intense and loud and have trouble making connections with others. Passive aggressive communicators tend to avoid conflict and will use sarcasm as ways to avoid it. the healthiest way is assertive which is communicating feelings clearly and calmy. 

4. Be present- putting time aside to talk to your partner that is uninterrupted and intentional so that they feel the relationship and the communication and connection is a priority. 

5.“I statements”- these take the blame and accusatory statements off your partner and still let you express how you are feeling. It also helps us own our own feelings and take responsibility for our actions.

So give it a go + try out these easy and effective communication tips. I hope you notice that you’re a better listener and that you feel heard by those around you. Happy communicating my friends!

~Courtney

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with teens, pregnancy and infant loss, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and self esteem issues. 

Insomnia: The Struggle Within

Insomnia is one of the most common disorders in individuals. With all of today’s stress, at least 25 % of adults and children struggle with insomnia.

The most common causes of insomnia include stress, an irregular sleep schedule, poor sleeping habits, mental health disorders like anxiety and depression, physical illnesses and pain, medications, neurological problems, and specific sleep disorders If you struggle with insomnia (a condition that causes trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or both) it can have a profound impact on your quality of life, leading to fatigue, trouble concentrating, mood problems, and even an increased risk of accidents while driving. 

One way to decrease insomnia is to have a regular daily schedule. This allows you to train your mind for sleep.

The next step is to have proper Sleep hygiene. Staying nice, clean and fresh increases our mood decreases stress and causes us to fall asleep easier and stay asleep longer. 

Another suggestion would be to drink tea without caffeine such as chamomile, daily reading before bed help develop a habit of sleep.  Avoiding stimulating activities such as video games, television and screen time an hour before bed.

If you struggle with racing thoughts before bed, you should practice writing down in a daily journal your activities throughout the day, how you feel and express emotions and thoughts through journaling. 

Another suggestion is to have external noise such as a fan or nature sounds to assist you with falling asleep faster and staying asleep longer. 

There also has been suggestions of drinking tart cherry juice before sleep to decrease insomnia. 

The new studies published in the European Journal of Medicine at the end of October shows that tart cherry juice can improve the quality of your sleep, your sleep duration, and help reduce the need for daytime napping.  A discovery was made that adults who drank two 1 ounce servings of tart cherry juice per day experienced a demonstrable increase in sleep efficiency as well as a 39 minute increase in average sleep duration. (WOW!)

So to recap, if you’re struggling with Insomnia, make a daily list of activities, have good hygiene and shower before bedtime, journal any racing thoughts that you have about your day and any stressors and concerns, eliminate all electronics such as video games and television at least an hour before sleep, it’s suggested to drink a warm cup of tea non-caffeinated, turn on some external sound such as a fan or nature sounds to assist with relaxation. The last suggestion is to try tart cherry juice- which is actually pretty good. 

Remember insomnia is normal if it’s not chronic. Everybody faces difficulties in sleeping over the course of their life. However, if this is an ongoing concern and is impairing your daily function due to lack of sleep it is recommended that you seek professional assistance from a healthcare provider such as a medical physician and therapist.

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My name is Lisa Jacobs Clark, I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with CCS. I specialize in children, young adults and women that have or are dealing with depression and anxiety. I have a passion for this population. I entered this field of employment to assist individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and life changing events. Besides assisting individuals in areas that they struggle with, I also am an advocate for children and for families. I truly feel that my purpose is to help the community through therapeutic interventions, mentoring and providing unconditional positive regard to all of my clients. My heart continues to be invested in the work that I provide for the community and CCS. Just as all the other therapists at CCS we are committed to provide and help individuals achieve a better tomorrow.

Are you Good Enough?

Ever wonder if you are good enough? Or have you ever felt like an imposter?

Ever think that if "they" (whoever "they" are) really knew about you, they would know you're not experienced or an expert, and you felt like you're a fraud and defeated? Or ever feel like you have all the motivation in the world, life is great, and then the next day everything is terrible?

Of course, you have everyone on this planet has had a feeling like this sometimes during their life, and many of us experience this feeling daily. The good news is there are ways to help us not have such ups and down with our self-esteem.

According to Adler and Stewart (2004), self-esteem refers to a person's overall sense of value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person "values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself."

So how do we build our self of confidence and sense of worth?  

Here are a few skills to help you build that confidence and motivation.

1.     Ask yourself, "I am not good enough for what?"

Define what you are judging yourself on. It may be "I am not good enough to speak in front of the class." That may be true right this very minute, but if you practice your speech 10 to 15 times, you will be good enough to speak in front of the class. What if you thought, "I am not a good friend?" Then we must define what constitutes a good friend. A good friend has these traits; a good listener, honest, supportive of each other, kind, and trustworthy. Then you can determine if you fit these characteristics or not. The good news is that we can learn many of these skills. If you find you are not a good listener, you can practice becoming one. We can learn almost anything.

2.      Next, ask yourself, "What is my Evidence for this?"

This type of self-questioning is called "Critical Fact-Checking." What do the facts say? Be careful here because we often try to pull in our feelings instead of facts. For example, if you say I'm a terrible mother because I yelled at my kids. You may have yelled at them today. I feel badly yelling at them. I feel depressed, worthless, and angry at myself. Those are feelings. It doesn't account for all the really great things you do as a parent. You must figure out the why behind your yelling to fix that problem. Look for facts, not just feelings.

3.     Talk to yourself and give yourself Pep-talks. Research says that if you talk to yourself in the second person, your brain is more willing to hear and accept the positive. Thus, if I say, "Sherry, you can do this, just take this step or that…." My brain is more willing to listen and believe in me. We all need pep talks, and there is science that confirms it!

Self-talk improves our performance, enhances motivation, and improves mood. We can use informational self-talk to teach us new steps to activate and improve test-taking. Performance athletes have been using self-talk for years to help them improve their performance.

It is also simple to do. When you are doing a task, let's say studying for a test or taking a run, telling yourself, "John, you got this, your smart." Or "Sally, just a little more, you're close to the finish line."

Another question to ask yourself to give you motivation includes:

1. Do you really want to do this? If the answer is yes, it's ok to tell yourself, "David, it will be hard, but I got this?" Or, "Kelly, it's only two more days; keep it up."

2. Why do you really want to do this? Remember to look for the facts and how you want to feel afterward.

3. What are the steps you need to take to get there? Breaking big tasks into tiny baby steps you can accomplish is the key to doing more significant things.

Once you have these answers, you can develop a plan to complete the tasks. Your brain wants you to have the things you want and enjoy. As you practice this new self-talk skill, you will become more confident in your abilities and have fewer days of wondering if you're good enough because you are!

If you need help with feeling good enough or finding the plan to help you succeed, call us, and we can help.

Sherry Shockey-Pope, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

How To Stop Fighting Your Spouse

One of the first questions I like to ask my client is are you on the same team or on opposing teams?

Do you ever feel like your spouse is not understanding or getting you? 

Have you felt afraid, worried, or on egg shells lately when talking to your spouse? 

Do you find yourself arguing more often about not being understood? 

The best way to figure out what is happening or what went wrong is to use self-reflection and figure out what stressors have been affecting you and your relationship.  At times, we are unaware or lack self-awareness to what is happening in our intimate relationship or even ourselves.  Some may ask what is self-awareness.  I like to explain it as taking a break and asking yourself “how am I doing today or what happened to change my mood?” Many people wear multiple hats and it is hard to check in with self when handling multiple obligations. Some examples: spousal duties, a job, a child, pets, an elderly parent, a sick family member, household responsibilities/chores, errands, finances, family appt.’s, school/sports, daycare, extended family calls, friends, and/or other things that take up our time, you fill in your own blank. 

Not to mention, still dealing with current COVID 19 pandemic, social restrictions, and current fear of unknowns.  Some relationships are equally stressed to being around a spouse longer periods of times since COVID 19/post pandemic outcomes. 

Self-Awareness

I believe the problem we are facing is the lack of self-awareness, not frequently checking in with self, and not asking the right questions:

“how am I doing?” and “what do I need?” 

Whatever your role is in your home, life can be complicated, difficult and it takes time to be in tune with ourselves.  It is difficult to take care of others unless we take charge of our own mental health by checking in with ourselves.  It takes work to eat, sleep, exercise, have fun, make time for self, and being present to enjoy a spouse/family.  It takes work to take a time out and reflect on our own needs. 

I’ve heard this often from either spouse, “I can’t read their mind.”  I agree with this statement, “your spouse does not know how to meet your needs unless you know what they are and you communicate it.”

Your Views

Some may say, “well my spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t understand me.”  That might be true.  However, I like challenging spouses to look at the bigger picture and ask themselves, “how will we get to a place where we can communicate, compromise, and enjoy each other?”  Knowing yourself and being able to communicate needs is a good step in the right direction to helping improve your relationship with your spouse.  Being able to communicate in a respectful manner and valuing each other’s needs promotes intimacy and relationship with your partner.  Our self-mantra can be, “I’m loved, I’m important, I’m able to communicate my needs to build connection with the person I love.” “It can be scary at times, but I can do this.”  Ultimately the goal is to draw closer to our spouse and not moving away from them. 

There are many ways of helping reduce your fights with your spouse, but it is equally important to reflect on what you tell yourself and what is your mindset.  I wish I could say all it takes is taking a magic wand, swirling it over each couple, and fights vanish.  If it were that easy, fights or arguments wouldn’t really exist.  The bigger question is, “what am I able or willing to do to help draw closer to my spouse?”  Another helpful question to ask, “how do I view my spouse?”  “are they valuable, important, can we do life together, and are we on the same team?”  I hope you say we are teammates. 

If your spouse is your teammate, here are some steps/questions to pose to drawing closer to your spouse:

1. What am I telling myself about my spouse? Is it helpful, truth based, and will these thoughts draw me closer to my spouse? Understand this before engaging your spouse. If you’re not in the right head space then come up with more helpful or true thinking statements.

2. Have I checked in with myself today? Have I identified my needs for today (i.e. coffee, breaks, fun activity, rest, sleep, and help with other duties)? Use self-reflection/checking in with self and identify your mood and decide how you want to approach/engage your spouse.

3. If you’re not ready, that is ok like some coaches say, “walk it off.”

4. Set up a team meeting with your spouse. It’s time to communicate. Present your list of things that you need for the day/week and approach your spouse to help you be on the same page (i.e. picking up kids, deciding what’s for dinner, and or requesting a break from your regular day). It’s equally important to stay positive and hopeful rather than negative.

5. It is also important not assuming your spouse doesn’t care or currently knows your needs if not communicated. It takes work, it is better to communicate your needs in a respectful and loving way in hopes of increasing intimacy. Practice makes perfect and the mindset of, “we are a team and we need each other” is a great way of facing difficulty.

6. Lastly, check on your spouse, have you asked what they need, have we worked on helping them feel valued and loved. Have we’ve surprised our spouse lately with the things that they like? Make it a point to make yourself available for them and communicate how valuable they are with affirming words or with a love note.

I think following these steps is a start, but if you are needing some additional help in your relationship please feel free in setting up an appointment for therapeutic services.  I know that every relationship is different and each couple has other traumas and barriers that make this difficult to achieve at times.  I’d be happy to start this journey of self-discovery, identifying ongoing needs, and exploring ways of improving intimacy with your spouse and decreasing the fights.  I hope this information has provided some hope, helpful insight, and ways of improving intimacy with your team mate.  

Best of luck in drawing closer to your spouse. 

Regards,

Erika Hernandez, LPCC

Hi, I look forward to being a part of your journey of self-discovery and healing.

Helping individuals and families is my passion. I have many years of experience providing therapeutic services in Spanish or English. I invite you on this journey of collaborating, identifying your needs, and learning how to meet those needs for better daily living.

I have helped individuals and families in the areas of depression, anxiety, trauma, difficult life transitions, improving pro-social skill, developing healthy relationships/boundaries, assisting with parenting skills, and working on boundary setting, improving self-esteem, and adjusting to family dynamic changes (i.e., divorce, grief, and other family stressor or life changes).

I enjoy working with multicultural individuals and welcome incorporating creative and artistic expression in my scheduled therapeutic sessions as a method of the ongoing development of coping skill use. My therapeutic modality preference is through a creative lens in combination with CBT, Trauma Focused-CBT, Seeking Safety, Motivational Interviewing, and Narrative Therapy.

I count it a privilege to help clients and families with the healing process of self-discovery, freedom of expression, increasing personal interests, sharing their story, identifying their own personal values, current, and future motivations, developing healthy and positive self-talk, increasing hope, incorporating their own personal faith-based values, and developing a reasonable action plan to improve daily and functional living.

Prior to joining the CCS, I provided intensive field-based therapeutic services to children and adolescents with severe mental health challenges and their families at Pacific Clinics.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Change Your Attachment Style, Change Your Life!

You may be asking yourself “why do I need to know what attachment style I have?” Well, knowing gives you the freedom to do some self-reflecting and get help if your attachment style is less than secure. It is also important in regards to building relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Attachment styles come from how our caregivers raised us. It is what shapes our attachment to others in our adult lives.

Let’s take a look at some attachment styles: 

Avoidant attachment style– this is a positive self-image but a negative view of the world. This can develop when their caregiver is neglectful. Often these individuals do not trust others and they have a difficult time being vulnerable to others. There is a fear of closeness and intimacy.
What can be done to help overcome this? Start taking emotional risks with other people. It will take practice to communicate needs when feeling vulnerable and allowing others to be in that space. The way of thinking that, nobody can ever really be trusted, will need to be confronted and replaced with healthier ways of thinking and in turn acting. Being able to identify people in your life who have shown you true trustworthy behavior and practicing opening up with them is key to unlearning this attachment style. 

Anxious attachment style– this one presents with a negative self-view and a positive world view. This can develop when there is inconsistency from their caregiver. This attachment style will trust others (perhaps a little too much), they often times will look to external views as ways to validate instead of looking within themselves. These people can oftentimes be described as codependent. The thought of being away from their partner gives them anxiety. A strong fear of abandonment is usually present.

A way to help this is to start looking for ways to validate by looking inward. Working on improving self-esteem is a good way to help this as well. Look for things that make you feel important as an individual is helpful. Allow partners to complement your own individual life will work as far as relationships go. 

Disorganized attachment style– this one has both a negative world view and a negative self-view. These people have some big traumas to overcome in order to work on this attachment style. This can develop from extreme trauma in the home. These people do not even know what a healthy relationship would LOOK like. They have a hard time self-regulating. This can even involve physical violence in relationships at times.

It is important to work on both the world view as well as the self-image.

Ambivalent insecure attachment– these people will be very anxious. They have experienced much inconsistency in their childhoods. Trusting others is difficult for them. Two people who share this attachment style are often toxic together and make for a chaotic relationship. It is always a push-pull, love-me hate-me type of love. 

Secure attachment– this is the one we all are searching for and hope for. This is an understanding of healthy relationships. This person is secure and grounded and can expect a healthy relationship. This is someone who trusts others. They thrive in relationships but do just fine on their own. They are more satisfied with their relationships.

Ready to find out what attachment style you are? Take this quiz to find out!
(Non-affiant link)

COURTNEY WHETSTONE, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Celebrating Father’s Day

With Father’s Day approaching many people are reminded of the presence of their father in their lives. Through history the importance of a father’s role in the family had been seen as primarily a provider and disciplinarian rather than a caretaker. In more recent times, it has been seen that father’s who are emotionally present and active in the child’s life can make a profound positive impact.

As we know, having both parents in the home would lead to increased emotional wellness and likely lead to an improved outcome for the children involved. Unfortunately, the CDC reports that there were 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2019 and 2.7 divorces/annulments per 1,000 people in the same time frame. While not every divorce that was mentioned involved children in the home it is likely that there are fewer complete households than in the past.

As a father myself I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be engaged in my children’s lives on a day-to-day basis.

Just like most things in life, we tell ourselves “if that happened to me I wouldn’t do that, I’d be involved in my kid’s life.” However, life tends to throw us twists and turns and we may end up in a place that we didn’t expect. For some fathers they have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with their children after a divorce or separation which is due to any number of reasons. That distance can have a negative impact on the children involved who are left to wonder what led for this situation to come to pass and what does that mean for them. While society is quick to minimize the impact that a divorce or separation has on children I would challenge them to review how many children from single parent household are treated for emotional and behavioral problems 1, engaged in criminal activity 2 and more likely to drop out of high school 3.

My point with this is to say that for those who have father’s whom are present, engaged and well-balanced likely have a more secure attachment, useful social skills and better able to pass along those experience to their children. My goal would be to help those who want to become more balanced for themselves and their partner. We may not have had the well-balanced experiences that we wished had, but we can take steps to become the parents we wish we had. This work we do on ourselves will likely pay dividends to future generations as well.

If you were to take a walk through the downtown of any metropolitan city you’re likely to see people who are struggling and having difficulties in their day-to-day lives. We don’t know their history or life circumstances, but it is likely that they don’t or didn’t have the support of their family or significant others at critical points in their lives.

We could spend hours ruminating on the “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but that doesn’t change the objective reality of the present moment. Negative experiences such as abuse, absenteeism and addiction tend to reoccur through generational trauma (i.e., “it happened to me and I just had to deal with it”).

While we are not responsible for the circumstances of those negative experiences, we are responsible for how we let them continue to impact our lives. Every day that we are alive we have the opportunity to develop awareness into our behaviors and attitudes. Once we begin to challenge our automatic thoughts and reactions we’ll be better equipped to take different actions and develop the change necessary to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

I recognize that some people may not have positive relationships with their biological father. My hope is that there is a father figure involved who may also provide that structure and support. The idea is to celebrate those in our lives who are taking the time to be present and committed. Father’s who have overcome their own setbacks and obstacles have such an opportunity to change the cycle. In some ways, these father’s can share their experience with their family in an open and honest way to strengthen these relationships and likely reduce the chance that their children would have those same negative experiences.

For anyone who is seeking support to develop skills and better manage relationships and communication to reducing anxiety and depression please do not hesitate to contact me or the staff at Central Counseling Services at 951-778-0230 to make an appointment.

1 Deborah A. Dawson. “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-Being: Data from the

1988 National Health Interview Survey on Child Health,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol.

53, No. 3 (August 1991), pp. 573–584.

2 Chris Coughlin and Samuel Vuchinich, “Family Experience in Preadolescence and the

Development of Male Delinquency,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 58, No. 2 (1996), pp.

491–501.

3 Timothy Biblarz and Greg Gottainer, “Family Structure and Children’s Success: A Comparison

of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mother Families,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 62

(May 2000), pp. 533–548.

Eric Ontiveros, LCSW

"YOU HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED THIS MOUNTAIN TO SHOW OTHERS IT CAN BE MOVED." - UNKNOWN

I want to be present with others while they take amazingly courageous steps towards self-awareness. I enjoy being a therapist as I can witness others take possession of their lives and create change through action. I am hopeful that I may be able to help unlock the power of healing within each client so that they would relieve themselves of the need to have therapy. I hold myself to a high standard such that client care is my utmost priority. I work towards maintaining professional and ethical values to reduce any conflicts and best support the client.

I have worked for nine years within the Riverside County Mental Health Department conducting individual therapy, group therapy, and emergency interventions. I completed my undergraduate degree in psychology in 2008 from the University of California, Riverside. I received my Master of Social Work degree in 2012 from Loma Linda University. I attended three years of training in Gestalt Therapy at Gestalt Associates Training, Los Angeles.

I specialize in helping my clients better managing their anxiety and depression by developing awareness regarding problematic activities or beliefs. I have worked with couples to improve communication and assist w/ processing emotional content.

I am hopeful that we can work together so that you may find your path through this troubling time. You are not alone. Life has given everyone obstacles; whatever yours are they can be overcome.

Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available on weekdays and have opened my calendar to allow for highly requested evening appointments. I will see you soon.

Some Adult Behaviors Of Someone Who Suffered From Verbal Abuse As A Child

 Low Self-Esteem

When you hear a lot of verbal abuse as a child, you begin to internalize it. Being repeatedly insulted, called names, and told that you aren’t good enough takes a toll on you. As a child, you slowly begin to believe that you are all those things.

This is especially true if you were always told to lighten up or have more positive thinking whenever a cruel comment upset you. As a child, you lacked the necessary reasoning ability to understand that your family members were in the wrong, not you. So, instead, you believed them, and along the way, your confidence was lost and you began to doubt and dislike yourself. 

Here are some ways that low self-esteem due to childhood verbal abuse may be affecting you to this day:

You Blame Yourself A Lot:

Verbal abusers often like to point fingers. They’ll put the blame on anyone and everyone except themselves. Your family members likely never took responsibility for their wrongdoings; instead, they guilted you, causing you to always feel at fault.

Today, this may cause you to always blame yourself about everything – even things that don’t have much to do with you. If anything goes wrong, you automatically feel guilty and think you could have done something to stop it.

You Have Trouble Standing By Decisions:

When you were growing up, there’s a good chance that your family members would always insist that they knew best. Every time you had a good idea or wanted to make your own choices, they would manipulate you. They would make you believe that you were young and ignorant, and they weren’t controlling you; they just “care.”

Of course, they didn’t care, and it was all an act to put you in your so-called place. As a grown-up, this may cause you to lack conviction in your ability to make decisions. You may second guess your choices or become extremely anxious about making them. And if they happen to be the wrong choices, you’ll berate yourself for days – if not longer.

You Do A Lot Of Negative Self-Talk:

Verbal abuse conditions children to think negatively about themselves. This is why your inner voice may mirror your abuser’s. You may have a constant barrage of negative thoughts and criticize yourself over every small issue. You may even insult yourself.

You Feel Like You’re Never Good Enough: 

Verbally abusive families often expect unreasonable things out of their children. Even if those kids manage to achieve those unrealistic expectations, there is never any reward or any kindness waiting.

As an adult, this may cause you to always feel like you could have done more. You may overwork yourself, obsess over failure unhealthily, and consider any achievement less than the very best to be not nearly good enough.

 You Don’t Consider Your Needs Important: 

Verbally abusive homes are often also neglectful. When you expressed your needs as a child, you were likely ignored or told to suck it up. Today, this may manifest in a lack of care for your wellbeing. You may underestimate your needs, or you may feel like they aren’t worthy of your attention and care. 

Recovery from childhood verbal abuse: 

However through individual therapy using cognitive behavioral therapy strategies and techniques we can modify self-esteem through Cognitive restructuring or reframing negative thoughts of self, Guided discovery, Exposure therapy, Journaling and thought records, Activity scheduling and behavior activation, Behavioral experiments, Relaxation and stress reduction techniques, Role playing and daily positive self-affirmations. 

As a child we cannot help our circumstances. However as an adults we can change cognitive distortions of self and improve self-awareness, self-esteem and promote positive productivity through individual therapy. 

My name is Lisa Jacobs Clark. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with CCS and have been practicing for over five years. 

I enjoy working with children, teens and adults to improve their cognitive perceptions of themselves, improving self-value, self-worth and overall self-esteem through active strategies discussed in weekly individual therapy. 

LISA J. CLARK, LMFT

Lisa loves working with teens and adults. She helps by teaching anxiety reduction skills and problem-solving skills. She is a good listener and she cares much. She hates to see people in pain and she works with them to help them develop a happier and healthier life. She is optimistic and warm and she helps people see other perspectives.

She is a parent and she understands that raising children can be a lot of hard work and sometimes parents get stressed and need help too.

A favorite quote of her is "It's easier to build strong children than repair Broken men." Fredrick Douglass.

The Super Power of Hugging

What if I told you that you have a superpower right at your fingertips? What if this superpower improved your overall physical and mental health, reduced stress and anxiety, lowered your blood pressure, and improved your communication? What if you only needed to use this superpower a few moments a day, every day, to achieve these results? Sound too good to be true? Well, read on to learn how to use your superpower!

Have you guessed what this superpower is? Hugging!

Hugging is so important that is has it’s own day of recognition. Yup, January 23rd is National Hugging Day, and while this is not a federal holiday, it is publicly recognized by the United States. Rev Kevin Zaborney founded it in 1986 in Caro, Michigan. This is a day where public displays of emotion are encouraged. It is an opportunity to notice those around you and to reach out and hug someone. As AT&T suggested back in the 1970s, reach out and touch someone!

Why is this superpower so important? Why is it necessary to have a National Hugging Day? Studies throughout the years have indicated that physical touch has multiple benefits, both physically and mentally. Can you remember the last time you hugged someone? Do you remember how you felt inside? Did you feel your blood pressure lowering? Did you feel less anxious and a little more safe and secure inside? These are just a few benefits of physical touch. 

Research conducted at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine has shown that physical touch may protect you from heart disease and reduce your chances of becoming ill. Your quality of life and experience of pain might be affected too. Lastly, physical touch can help us with our nonverbal communication, sending messages of love, care, and concern.  

Hugging can boost our mood, decrease feelings of fatigue, and improve our overall feelings of well-being. Something as small as a touch actually releases a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”  This hormone is responsible for reducing anxiety and lowering our blood pressure. The stress hormone called norepinephrine is also decreased when we are hugging someone. More commonly, this neurotransmitter is responsible for the “flight or fight response.” And a simple hug can have a significant impact on us.

Despite all the benefits of physical touch, our Western culture is slowly becoming touch-deprived. There are multiple reasons why this is happening. Increased screen time and distraction from our phones are the main culprits. We are also increasingly more isolated and have fewer opportunities to touch one other. Covid and the pandemic severely limited our ability to interact and safely reach out. All of this has had a negative impact on our physical and mental health. Research says that due to COVID, Americans want more space between us than ever. 

So how can we use this superpower in times of a pandemic or if no one is readily available to hug? According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., hugging yourself is just as beneficial as hugging someone else. When we hug ourselves, we can still reap the benefits of an improved mood, reduction in pain, and an increased sense of safety and security. As Dr. Neffi states, hugging yourself “Gives a boost to our self-compassion.” We are more likely to experience an increase in our self-esteem and not be so harsh on ourselves when we make a mistake. 

Are you ready to break out your superpower and begin benefitting from hugging? Researcher and “founder of family therapy” Virginia Satir suggests that 4 hugs a day are needed for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth. If this seems too much hugging, start small and slowly increase your hugging as it feels right for you.

If you would like to talk further about the importance of touch and other superpowers inside of you or any other concern, please call the office to make an appointment.

LEANN GALOUSTIAN, LCSW

“Bloom where you are planted” - The Bishop of Geneva

My theoretical foundation lies in strength-based therapy. I believe in the transformative power of listening and being present in a safe and nonjudgmental space. When you take that first step and reach out for help you have already started the healing process. Therapy is a place where you can unburden yourself. As a therapist, I believe things will get better even if it feels like right now, things will never change. I can help you see the progress made and the inner strength reflected in yourself. You will learn the skills to empower yourself to go forward and face what life may bring. I specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, and Mood regulation which can help to address your therapeutic needs.

I have worked with children, adolescents, and families who have struggled with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, ADHD, substance abuse, trauma, and neglect. I have sat on both sides of the chair and understand what it means to be facing a crisis and how to move forward and regain your equilibrium.

My education includes a Masters in Social Work from the University of California, Los Angeles. Bachelors of Arts Degree from Cal State University, Northridge, and I was the University of Southern California Masters in Social Work Graduate Student Supervisor. Throughout my 10 years of working in the mental health field, whether it be inpatient care, outpatient mental health, medical setting, or authorizing mental health treatment for an insurance company, the goal is the same. Listen, be present without judgment and provide support.

I look forward to working with you as you begin your journey of healing.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Memorial Day is More Than Just Another Weekend

As members of the workforce, we often find it exciting to have a 3-day weekend to spend with the family, with friends, or doing some of our favorite activities. One of those weekends happens to be Memorial Day Weekend. However, it’s important to remember the commemoration of Memorial Day - that it’s more than just a weekend, it’s to honor those who have died in military services.

Memorial Day, which is celebrated on the last Monday in the month of May, serves to honor those who died in military service to the nation. According to the United Service Organizations, this holiday’s roots trace back to post-Civil war era, when citizens would informally place spring flower memorials on the graves of fallen soldiers. By the late 1960’s, Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act to establish Memorial Day as a calendar day, and by the 1970’s it had officially transformed into a legal 3-day holiday weekend.

It’s important to acknowledge that the families who have had to endure the loss of their loved one and beloved service member a day of remembrance. The loss of a loved one never truly leaves their loved ones. Rather, the families and friends of these fallen service members have had to endure their loss, grow around their grief, and continue on. 

Memorial Day is more than just a 3-day weekend filled with activities, discounted sales, and the kickoff for the summer. It is a day of collective remembrance for those who have died in military service and the grief that their loved ones experience.

Cecilia Fabe, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Stress-Relief Tips for Working Moms

It’s no secret that working moms are no strangers to stress. We have to balance the expectations of our workplaces, home, friends and family, and at the same time cope with the emotional rollercoaster of anxiety, guilt, frustration, joy, and all other emotions that come with motherhood.  It is important to practice some self-care in between all of the highs and lows of being both a mother and being part of the workforce. I wanted to share some ideas about ways you can relieve the stress that comes from living in both of these worlds (and the rest of the world around us- inflation, traffic, conflict, elections, social justice- there is just so much, isn’t there?).

1. Organize and Plan

   As a working mom, it can be quite difficult to keep tabs on everything. Taking some time to sit down, plan, and organize events with your family members can be a huge help. Oftentimes, stress is rooted in the fear of the unpredictable. Planning ahead and penciling in your own routine/family routines helps to provide less fuss and fight throughout the week. You might want to display your schedule or routine by keeping a planner and writing things down on a whiteboard or large wall calendar at home to display for all to see. (That makes the rest of the family become involved and responsible for their activities as well. That’s great for teaching kids coping skills and time management!) (And that moms have limits on time that is available)
   

2. Get Connected with Loved Ones

   Humans are social creatures, and we often crave that connection to others. Research studies have shown that kids who often feel neglected tend to act out more, and working moms often struggle with the guilt of not spending enough time with them. In order to reduce this stress, it’s important to find ways to connect and relieve stress at the same time. Along with planning ahead, take the time to enjoy the company of your child, family, friends, and community. Try a five minute sharing time daily, or fifteen minutes twice a week with your teen.
   

3. Set Boundaries!

   Every relationship needs to respect the importance of saying “no”. Working moms already have many roles to play and events scheduled on their planner. In order to keep from feeling too overwhelmed, it’s important to say “no” to the stuff that distracts or disrupts you maintaining your self-esteem, family unit, and success. It’s okay to say “no” to keep your peace. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. No excuses or explanations are needed.
   

4. Practice Gratitude

   Working moms tend to have busy schedules that feel like they have no room left. Despite that it is  important to take a minute to practice gratitude. Research has shown that practicing gratitude can boost self-esteem, foster resilience, and can assist our children to grow up to be happier people. According to a 2008 research study from the Journal of School Psychology, children who grew up with gratitude practice reported more happiness, more satisfaction, and reported better social support. Show your kids that you are naming your gratitude in the morning and evening and help them do it too.
   
   

5. Practice Mindfulness

   Taking the time to practice a short minute of mindfulness helps working moms to press the pause button on their busy lives. What’s so beneficial of practicing mindfulness is its convenience. Working moms can practice a sensory activity while sipping on their morning coffee – noting the aroma, the heat from the mug, and taking a tasteful first sip. Working moms can also take the time to practice mindfulness while preparing dinner for their family or as they are reading a bed-time story for their children. 

I hope this was helpful – I know I need a reminder once in a while as well. If you need more information or would like to work with me I can be reached at Central Counseling Services, www.centralcounselingservices.com (951) 778-0230. I love helping working moms cope, parent, and thrive. 

Marika Lopez

Student I

Morin, A. 2020, November 11. How to Teach Children Gratitude. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-teach-children-gratitude4782154#:~:text=can%20be%20worthwhile.-,Research%20and%20Evidence,up%20to%20be%20happier%20people.

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

Let's talk about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and relationships. The first thing we want to do is recognize the traits of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of being left alone or abandoned. Regardless of whether such abandonment is real or imagined, the individual may take extreme measures to avoid possible separation or rejection. These measures can include threatening self-harm, starting fights and arguments, and engaging in jealous behaviors. Unfortunately, these behaviors can cause an adverse reaction and cause the other partner to withdraw, which is the one thing that the person with a borderline personality disorder is trying to prevent.

BPD tends to make maintaining healthy relationships very challenging. A person with BPD tends to have a very black and white way of thinking about people, seeing them as all good or all bad. This causes frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). What this can look like  "I love you " now" I hate you" behavior.

People with BPD also struggle with identity disturbances. Their ability to be independent and autonomous is significantly impaired. They may also have constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life, including changing partners often, which can further uphold their unstable view of relationships.

Impulsive, risky, and often self-destructive behaviors are also common for those with BPD. This can include actually ending a healthy relationship. 

Suicidal thoughts and behavior are not uncommon for those who struggle with BPD. This suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal threats, or carrying out a suicide attempt.

Another common symptom of BPD is emotional volatility, with intense mood swings ranging from extreme happiness to despair the next. They have a lot of trouble regulating their emotions. While these mood swings tend to pass fairly quickly, typically lasting only a few minutes or hours, they can also persist for several days in some cases. Behaviors associated with this can include starting arguments with your partner. These behaviors are very trying for the partner, and the partner is often left with little direction on how to fix it.

Those with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty feeling empathy for others. Studies have shown that those with BPD often have reduced activity in the brain regions that support empathy, leading to difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. This reduced activity means that those with BPD have difficulty understanding and predicting how others may feel in certain situations. Thus making the partner feel misunderstood and feeling alone.

 BPD is one of the most stigmatized mental health conditions. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that affects adults in the United States alone. Those who develop BPD tend to begin exhibiting signs by early adulthood.

Let's talk about how one "gets" borderline personality disorder.

 Genetics might make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, but often it's due to stressful or traumatic life experiences that these vulnerabilities are triggered and become a problem. Either natural or fear of abandonment in childhood or adolescence, a disrupted family life, or poor communication in the family. Another factor contributing to BPD is sexual, physical, or emotional abuse from childhood. 

There is evidence that those diagnosed with BPD are more likely to have had a history of abuse or other distressing experiences during childhood. Studies have shown that 40% to 76% of people with BPD report being sexually abused as children, and 25% to 73% report being physically abused. Both physical and emotional neglect can also be contributing factors.

Treatment

With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Dialectical behavioral therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white) that so many people with BPD have. 

Part of caring for a partner with BPD is understanding what they're experiencing. Understanding the level of emotional disorder they experience can help you respond in a way that protects both of you from other chaos.

If you have BPD or have a partner with BPD give me a call and let’s work together to create a healthier and happier relationship.

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.