The B Word, How It Can Help Us
Let’s talk about the B word….that’s right Boundaries!
Boundaries are a very important part of dating and yet, they get a bad rap for being a bad thing. First of all, we want to determine why we need boundaries. Let’s take a look at an example of a coloring page. There are lines around the picture so we know where to color and we know not to color outside of the lines; this is concept we learn at a very early age. It is the same for when we decide to be part of a couple. We have all seen the new couple that dress alike seem to fold into a single person. We need to keep in mind where we want our partners to end and us begin. We want to set limits for ourselves as individuals. Being in a couple relationship should make each person better, pushing each to become their very best. Not to lose your own personal identity. If you’re unsure what your personal boundaries are, it’s going to be hard for others to follow them.
In healthy relationships, partners discuss their feelings with one another, show mutual respect, show gratitude and take each other’s feelings into consideration about any topic. Being in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to lose your family, friend or children just to be with that other person.
Boundaries are set to keep us safe. A healthy boundary is being responsible for your own happiness. A healthy boundary is having friendships outside of the relationship. Sometimes, boundaries also shift and change as a relationship progresses, which is okay as long as you both agree to discuss the shift honestly and you both feel good about the changes.
Poor boundaries disconnect you from your partner, and one partner often times may feel there are being manipulated by the other person to get them to do what their partner wants. A partner that is using manipulation may say things like “If you don’t do this then I won’t do that.” Or they may stop talking to you and give you the silent treatment. Other times they may withdraw emotional affection or disengage until they get what they want. It is not healthy to have your partner guessing how you are feeling or demanding that you feel a certain way. An unhealthy boundary is the feeling of being incomplete without your partner. An unhealthy boundary is relying on your partner for happiness. In unhealthy relationships, a couple might feel that their partners must think like them, that they should just adjust because after all “we are the same and that means we must also think alike too.”
How to set healthy boundaries you ask?
Be clear as to what your needs are. If your needs change then speak up. Something may be okay for a week or month but not longer. When you realize what your needs are not being met, be clear when telling your partner. A lot of issues from boundary setting comes from misunderstanding.
Use “I” statements. Using I statements clearly defines how you feel and what behaviors you expected to see in your partner. When appropriate, take responsibility for your part of the misunderstanding. Do not only judge or lay blame on your partner. Most of the time, both partners have some responsibility. It is also your responsibility to help correct the situation and communicate your feelings in a non-defensive way. It’s always good to remember that you do love each other, flaws and all.
Listen to what your partner is trying to tell you and summarize how they feel. For example, if your partner is upset, you didn’t do the dishes and it is your job to do them, it is okay to say you are sorry and you will try better. You might say, “I hear you are upset that the dishes are not done because that makes starting dinner harder for you. I will try harder to get the dishes done before you cook dinner.”
Being polite is always in style and will go a long way in building a better relationship.
Ask for clarification, “Did you mean to sound angry when you asked me to pick-up my shoes?” This allows your partner to clarify the intent behind the words. Sometimes we say something and our partner misses our intent. Always ask and allow your partner to clarify, never assume.
Do not set your partner up by saying or thinking something like “Well, if her really loves me, he would just know.” Even the best partners aren’t mind readers. If you want a specific item or behavior, ask.
If you and your partner are having more than your share of arguments or you feel hurt or misunderstood, it might be time for some professional help. Call me and let’s work together to get your most important relationship back on track.
By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT
Courtney Whetstone, LMFT works with couples and individuals to fix their relationships and remember why they became a couple in the first place.
Courtney works out of our Murrieta office and she has helped many couple restore their loving relationships.
To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.
