New Parents: Coping with Gender Disappointment

Having a baby is an exciting time for many couples, and knowing the gender of the baby can

add onto the joy. Having the accessibility to knowing and celebrating the sex of the baby prior to the baby’s birth is often celebrated through a gender reveal, parties, or one of those social

media posts that one may see. However, such festivities and activities may not necessarily be

as joyous. Results of such tests can lead to parents feeling sadness, disappointment, and even depression because [the results] are not what they expected.

According to Dr. Danielle Forshee, “gender disappointment describes the feelings of sadness and disappointment, typically followed by guilt and shame, a parent might experience when they find out that the sex of their baby is not what they were hoping for”. The general pattern for gender disappointment includes expectation, first, then disappointment, followed by guilt.

There can be many reasons as to why parents may experience gender disappointment, rather than the common misconception of preferring one sex over the other for superficial reasons. Some reasons may include cultural pressures, societal pressure, previous trauma, and even the feeling that the parent cannot connect with one sex as best over the other.

To cope with gender disappointment, there are a few steps that a parent can take. Shame and guilt are emotions that can especially weigh heavy on any individual, and so it is important to talk to someone that you can trust about these feelings. Confiding in a partner, family, close friend, and even a support group can assist in relieving such feelings of sadness, disappointment, shame, and guilt. Refraining from communication about gender disappointment can lead to the likelihood of the mother experiencing postpartum depression, as well. For active listening and a non-judgmental space, oftentimes individual talk therapy is best for processing gender disappointment, guilt, and shame.

Resources:

Appleton, N. (2022). How to handle gender disappointment. VeryWellFamily. 

https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-handle-gender-disappointment-5204417

Crider, C. (2020). Dealing with gender disappointment: It’s OK to feel sad. Healthline.

https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/gender-disappointment