How to Show Emotional Support When You Don't Know What to Say
Have you ever found yourself In a situation where you wanted to be a source of comfort to someone but didn’t know what to say?
Over the years, many of my clients have shared situations they encountered in which they didn’t know what to say. They shared that they couldn’t think of the “right words” to say to someone going through a difficult time such as a loss (death of a loved one, divorce, unemployment, illness). Without realizing it, they had placed pressure on themselves to come up with the “right words”.
But is that possible? Are there “right words” for a parent who has lost a child? For someone who has received a cancer diagnosis? What about for someone who has experienced a traumatic event?
Think of a challenging time you went through. Who, if anyone, helped you get through it? Was it the words someone shared or was it the actions they demonstrated?
For some moments, words may not provide much comfort, but actions do. Let us not underestimate the power of our presence. To be present with someone who is feeling emotional pain can be a source of comfort. For some, the inclination may be to leave that person alone because of the feelings it may bring up in them. It may be feelings of doubt or uncertainty about how to help. In addition, there may be pressure to know which “right words” to use.
In 2022, the American Psychological Association released a report which revealed that emotional support was correlated with higher rates of well-being and lower levels of stress. That tells us emotional support can and does make a difference.
So, what would it look like to show emotional support when not knowing what to say? The following are 4 suggestions:
Listen with empathy: Consider empathy as a superpower that allows you to place yourself in the shoes of another. Try to view the situation from their perspective, not yours. When we listen with empathy, it becomes easier to refrain from passing judgment. For instance, if you are wanting to show support to a friend who recently lost their job, listening with empathy would have you consider what that experience must be like- the experience of having employment one day and not having it the next. It would be to imagine what thoughts may be crossing their mind (potential difficulty with loss of income, the possible stress of a new job search). When we listen with empathy, we achieve a better understanding of what others may be going through.
Avoid fixing the problem: This is quite common in so many who genuinely want to help. The assumption is made that the problem can be easily fixed. Let me return to the example of the friend who lost their job. An impulsive response may be “I heard they’re hiring at Amazon. You should go apply there.” While some may appreciate learning about job vacancies, others may not feel seen and heard. Perhaps the friend who lost their job is still processing what happened. A range of thoughts and emotions may be coming up for them. Sorting those out may take some time. When we’re quick to offer fixes, it can come across as dismissive of their emotional state. Although our intentions may be good when bringing up job opportunities, let us also remember that people benefit from processing situations first before developing a plan of action.
Be honest: During times we want to show emotional support but don’t know what to do or say, it’s helpful to acknowledge that. For instance, it’s being able to say, “I want to support you, but I don’t know what to say or do.” By acknowledging this, you remove some pressure from yourself. Through your openness and honesty, you demonstrate that you want to serve as a support although you don’t know what that may look like. In many cases, the individual in need of the support may share more with you about what support may be wanted/needed if anything at all.
Consider different types of support: When discussing emotional support, it’s important to consider all the different types. There are some who may benefit from emotional support but that may not come in the form of talking/expressing themselves. Helpful deeds can be a positive source of emotional support. This may include assisting with transportation, helping to review their resume, accompanying them to medical appointments, or lending a hand with childcare.
Please know that not everyone who needs/wants emotional support is ready to talk. It’s worth noting that even when emotional support is available, it does not replace therapy or medical treatment. For anyone interested in therapeutic services, please feel free to contact our office.
Written by: Priscilla Rivera
