Anger Management is More than Managing Anger

Do you have anger issues? Take a look at this list of myths and decide for yourself. You can make a change with a professional trained in Anger Management and Emotional Intelligence. 

Myth 1: Anger is a primary feeling. 

Mental health professional, George Anderson, MSW, MCSW, CAMF, Certified EQ-i Examiner, states that “Anger is a secondary emotion. Some other feelings always come before anger. Frequently, anger is preceded by stress, anxiety, depression, burnout or fatigue. If the primary feeling can be identified, strategies for managing anger and enhancing self-awareness, social awareness, self-control, empathy and relationship management can be used.” 

Myth 2: I don’t have anger issues; I can control it. 

There is a cost to avoiding our feelings. Everyone has days that are frustrating and situations that may anger us; no one is exempt from strong feelings. Maybe you have the kind of temperament that does not lash out, yell or hit things but chances are the anger is impacting you in other ways. 

Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your eating been out of control or non-existent? Maybe you have lost interest in things that you usually enjoy. All of these behaviors are symptoms of feelings that you are keeping hidden and anger may be one of them. Even though it feels like you are in control, your feelings are controlling you through residual behaviors that may be destructive or harmful to you. 

Myth 3: I feel what I feel and I cannot change. 

It is true that you are allowed to feel what you feel. And it is also true that you may choose not to change but everyone has the capacity for change. If you are having angry outburst that you feel are out of control or impacting your life on a daily basis it may mean that there are underlying feelings that you need to address and it is possible for your behavior to change. 

You can address anger issues through awareness of feelings and thoughts and then changing the behavior. Use a professional that is going to help you develop communication skills, understand anger and learn to be in control. A skilled professional can also raise your emotional intelligence and provide skills for stress management, which also rolls into improvements in relationship management.

You see, Anger Management is more than managing anger - it’s a set of skills that you can master, with the right professional. 

The Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence program we lead is “designed to help individuals recognize and manage anger and stress.” One primary goal is to teach acceptable behaviors and ways to express anger through gaining an understanding of ourselves. Attendees will be taught exercises to try at home and also practice within a safe group atmosphere. The program also includes skill enhancement exercises from the BarOn EQ-i Emotional Intelligence coaching program. 

If you want to learn more about anger management contact us at Central Counseling Services and get signed up with one of our professionally run groups. 

Resources

https://andersonservices.com/- Mental health professional trainers on Anger Management https://www.aaamp.org/ - The American Association of Anger Management Providers Do I have anger issues? (https://www.healthline.com/health/anger-issues) https://www.hpsys.com/EI_BarOnEQ-I.htm- BarOn EQ-i Emotional Intelligence

Amanda Wilbur, ACSW

I provide counseling to individuals (adults and children) and couples. I’ve treated a wide range of challenges, mental health matters, adjustments to life’s hurts, and trauma.

Common trauma symptoms: panic attacks, chronic pain, rage, substance abuse, numbing, depression, nightmares, anxiety, and/or hopelessness.

When my loved one struggled with mental illness I received training and experience with leading classes for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) family programs and peer support groups. I am certified as an Anger Management Facilitator and SMART Recovery. Besides a Loma Linda University Master's degree, I have specialized training in Postpartum Support International’s Perinatal Mood Disorders Component of Care and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CF CBT).

I love how the brain works (neuroscience), and how we are impacted through the body (somatic experiencing). I understand how lack of emotional control (dysregulation) can impact us and how attachment disorders affect our relationships. Traumatic events, past experiences, and unresolved issues can disrupt our daily living. An understanding of our body and brain physiology can help. When combined, psychotherapy and body-based or somatic therapy can promote wellness and resilience.

As a therapist, it is important to know how these symptoms work so that we can show compassion and use skills to help clients manage their stress and physical dysregulation. In this way, instead of a major eruption, clients can learn to have little system shocks in their body that are manageable and keep the build-up from happening. A trauma resiliency approach can return the natural rhythm of the nervous system to a resilient place and improve the integration of the brain and the body to a place of whole wellness.

My goal as a therapist is to provide a safe space where each person feels supported, encouraged, and also challenged to grow and build the life they want yet also feel equipped when challenges come up – because they will. They just do.

Are you Good Enough?

Ever wonder if you are good enough? Or have you ever felt like an imposter?

Ever think that if "they" (whoever "they" are) really knew about you, they would know you're not experienced or an expert, and you felt like you're a fraud and defeated? Or ever feel like you have all the motivation in the world, life is great, and then the next day everything is terrible?

Of course, you have everyone on this planet has had a feeling like this sometimes during their life, and many of us experience this feeling daily. The good news is there are ways to help us not have such ups and down with our self-esteem.

According to Adler and Stewart (2004), self-esteem refers to a person's overall sense of value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person "values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself."

So how do we build our self of confidence and sense of worth?  

Here are a few skills to help you build that confidence and motivation.

1.     Ask yourself, "I am not good enough for what?"

Define what you are judging yourself on. It may be "I am not good enough to speak in front of the class." That may be true right this very minute, but if you practice your speech 10 to 15 times, you will be good enough to speak in front of the class. What if you thought, "I am not a good friend?" Then we must define what constitutes a good friend. A good friend has these traits; a good listener, honest, supportive of each other, kind, and trustworthy. Then you can determine if you fit these characteristics or not. The good news is that we can learn many of these skills. If you find you are not a good listener, you can practice becoming one. We can learn almost anything.

2.      Next, ask yourself, "What is my Evidence for this?"

This type of self-questioning is called "Critical Fact-Checking." What do the facts say? Be careful here because we often try to pull in our feelings instead of facts. For example, if you say I'm a terrible mother because I yelled at my kids. You may have yelled at them today. I feel badly yelling at them. I feel depressed, worthless, and angry at myself. Those are feelings. It doesn't account for all the really great things you do as a parent. You must figure out the why behind your yelling to fix that problem. Look for facts, not just feelings.

3.     Talk to yourself and give yourself Pep-talks. Research says that if you talk to yourself in the second person, your brain is more willing to hear and accept the positive. Thus, if I say, "Sherry, you can do this, just take this step or that…." My brain is more willing to listen and believe in me. We all need pep talks, and there is science that confirms it!

Self-talk improves our performance, enhances motivation, and improves mood. We can use informational self-talk to teach us new steps to activate and improve test-taking. Performance athletes have been using self-talk for years to help them improve their performance.

It is also simple to do. When you are doing a task, let's say studying for a test or taking a run, telling yourself, "John, you got this, your smart." Or "Sally, just a little more, you're close to the finish line."

Another question to ask yourself to give you motivation includes:

1. Do you really want to do this? If the answer is yes, it's ok to tell yourself, "David, it will be hard, but I got this?" Or, "Kelly, it's only two more days; keep it up."

2. Why do you really want to do this? Remember to look for the facts and how you want to feel afterward.

3. What are the steps you need to take to get there? Breaking big tasks into tiny baby steps you can accomplish is the key to doing more significant things.

Once you have these answers, you can develop a plan to complete the tasks. Your brain wants you to have the things you want and enjoy. As you practice this new self-talk skill, you will become more confident in your abilities and have fewer days of wondering if you're good enough because you are!

If you need help with feeling good enough or finding the plan to help you succeed, call us, and we can help.

Sherry Shockey-Pope, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

Some Adult Behaviors Of Someone Who Suffered From Verbal Abuse As A Child

 Low Self-Esteem

When you hear a lot of verbal abuse as a child, you begin to internalize it. Being repeatedly insulted, called names, and told that you aren’t good enough takes a toll on you. As a child, you slowly begin to believe that you are all those things.

This is especially true if you were always told to lighten up or have more positive thinking whenever a cruel comment upset you. As a child, you lacked the necessary reasoning ability to understand that your family members were in the wrong, not you. So, instead, you believed them, and along the way, your confidence was lost and you began to doubt and dislike yourself. 

Here are some ways that low self-esteem due to childhood verbal abuse may be affecting you to this day:

You Blame Yourself A Lot:

Verbal abusers often like to point fingers. They’ll put the blame on anyone and everyone except themselves. Your family members likely never took responsibility for their wrongdoings; instead, they guilted you, causing you to always feel at fault.

Today, this may cause you to always blame yourself about everything – even things that don’t have much to do with you. If anything goes wrong, you automatically feel guilty and think you could have done something to stop it.

You Have Trouble Standing By Decisions:

When you were growing up, there’s a good chance that your family members would always insist that they knew best. Every time you had a good idea or wanted to make your own choices, they would manipulate you. They would make you believe that you were young and ignorant, and they weren’t controlling you; they just “care.”

Of course, they didn’t care, and it was all an act to put you in your so-called place. As a grown-up, this may cause you to lack conviction in your ability to make decisions. You may second guess your choices or become extremely anxious about making them. And if they happen to be the wrong choices, you’ll berate yourself for days – if not longer.

You Do A Lot Of Negative Self-Talk:

Verbal abuse conditions children to think negatively about themselves. This is why your inner voice may mirror your abuser’s. You may have a constant barrage of negative thoughts and criticize yourself over every small issue. You may even insult yourself.

You Feel Like You’re Never Good Enough: 

Verbally abusive families often expect unreasonable things out of their children. Even if those kids manage to achieve those unrealistic expectations, there is never any reward or any kindness waiting.

As an adult, this may cause you to always feel like you could have done more. You may overwork yourself, obsess over failure unhealthily, and consider any achievement less than the very best to be not nearly good enough.

 You Don’t Consider Your Needs Important: 

Verbally abusive homes are often also neglectful. When you expressed your needs as a child, you were likely ignored or told to suck it up. Today, this may manifest in a lack of care for your wellbeing. You may underestimate your needs, or you may feel like they aren’t worthy of your attention and care. 

Recovery from childhood verbal abuse: 

However through individual therapy using cognitive behavioral therapy strategies and techniques we can modify self-esteem through Cognitive restructuring or reframing negative thoughts of self, Guided discovery, Exposure therapy, Journaling and thought records, Activity scheduling and behavior activation, Behavioral experiments, Relaxation and stress reduction techniques, Role playing and daily positive self-affirmations. 

As a child we cannot help our circumstances. However as an adults we can change cognitive distortions of self and improve self-awareness, self-esteem and promote positive productivity through individual therapy. 

My name is Lisa Jacobs Clark. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with CCS and have been practicing for over five years. 

I enjoy working with children, teens and adults to improve their cognitive perceptions of themselves, improving self-value, self-worth and overall self-esteem through active strategies discussed in weekly individual therapy. 

LISA J. CLARK, LMFT

Lisa loves working with teens and adults. She helps by teaching anxiety reduction skills and problem-solving skills. She is a good listener and she cares much. She hates to see people in pain and she works with them to help them develop a happier and healthier life. She is optimistic and warm and she helps people see other perspectives.

She is a parent and she understands that raising children can be a lot of hard work and sometimes parents get stressed and need help too.

A favorite quote of her is "It's easier to build strong children than repair Broken men." Fredrick Douglass.

The Super Power of Hugging

What if I told you that you have a superpower right at your fingertips? What if this superpower improved your overall physical and mental health, reduced stress and anxiety, lowered your blood pressure, and improved your communication? What if you only needed to use this superpower a few moments a day, every day, to achieve these results? Sound too good to be true? Well, read on to learn how to use your superpower!

Have you guessed what this superpower is? Hugging!

Hugging is so important that is has it’s own day of recognition. Yup, January 23rd is National Hugging Day, and while this is not a federal holiday, it is publicly recognized by the United States. Rev Kevin Zaborney founded it in 1986 in Caro, Michigan. This is a day where public displays of emotion are encouraged. It is an opportunity to notice those around you and to reach out and hug someone. As AT&T suggested back in the 1970s, reach out and touch someone!

Why is this superpower so important? Why is it necessary to have a National Hugging Day? Studies throughout the years have indicated that physical touch has multiple benefits, both physically and mentally. Can you remember the last time you hugged someone? Do you remember how you felt inside? Did you feel your blood pressure lowering? Did you feel less anxious and a little more safe and secure inside? These are just a few benefits of physical touch. 

Research conducted at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine has shown that physical touch may protect you from heart disease and reduce your chances of becoming ill. Your quality of life and experience of pain might be affected too. Lastly, physical touch can help us with our nonverbal communication, sending messages of love, care, and concern.  

Hugging can boost our mood, decrease feelings of fatigue, and improve our overall feelings of well-being. Something as small as a touch actually releases a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”  This hormone is responsible for reducing anxiety and lowering our blood pressure. The stress hormone called norepinephrine is also decreased when we are hugging someone. More commonly, this neurotransmitter is responsible for the “flight or fight response.” And a simple hug can have a significant impact on us.

Despite all the benefits of physical touch, our Western culture is slowly becoming touch-deprived. There are multiple reasons why this is happening. Increased screen time and distraction from our phones are the main culprits. We are also increasingly more isolated and have fewer opportunities to touch one other. Covid and the pandemic severely limited our ability to interact and safely reach out. All of this has had a negative impact on our physical and mental health. Research says that due to COVID, Americans want more space between us than ever. 

So how can we use this superpower in times of a pandemic or if no one is readily available to hug? According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., hugging yourself is just as beneficial as hugging someone else. When we hug ourselves, we can still reap the benefits of an improved mood, reduction in pain, and an increased sense of safety and security. As Dr. Neffi states, hugging yourself “Gives a boost to our self-compassion.” We are more likely to experience an increase in our self-esteem and not be so harsh on ourselves when we make a mistake. 

Are you ready to break out your superpower and begin benefitting from hugging? Researcher and “founder of family therapy” Virginia Satir suggests that 4 hugs a day are needed for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth. If this seems too much hugging, start small and slowly increase your hugging as it feels right for you.

If you would like to talk further about the importance of touch and other superpowers inside of you or any other concern, please call the office to make an appointment.

LEANN GALOUSTIAN, LCSW

“Bloom where you are planted” - The Bishop of Geneva

My theoretical foundation lies in strength-based therapy. I believe in the transformative power of listening and being present in a safe and nonjudgmental space. When you take that first step and reach out for help you have already started the healing process. Therapy is a place where you can unburden yourself. As a therapist, I believe things will get better even if it feels like right now, things will never change. I can help you see the progress made and the inner strength reflected in yourself. You will learn the skills to empower yourself to go forward and face what life may bring. I specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, and Mood regulation which can help to address your therapeutic needs.

I have worked with children, adolescents, and families who have struggled with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, ADHD, substance abuse, trauma, and neglect. I have sat on both sides of the chair and understand what it means to be facing a crisis and how to move forward and regain your equilibrium.

My education includes a Masters in Social Work from the University of California, Los Angeles. Bachelors of Arts Degree from Cal State University, Northridge, and I was the University of Southern California Masters in Social Work Graduate Student Supervisor. Throughout my 10 years of working in the mental health field, whether it be inpatient care, outpatient mental health, medical setting, or authorizing mental health treatment for an insurance company, the goal is the same. Listen, be present without judgment and provide support.

I look forward to working with you as you begin your journey of healing.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Memorial Day is More Than Just Another Weekend

As members of the workforce, we often find it exciting to have a 3-day weekend to spend with the family, with friends, or doing some of our favorite activities. One of those weekends happens to be Memorial Day Weekend. However, it’s important to remember the commemoration of Memorial Day - that it’s more than just a weekend, it’s to honor those who have died in military services.

Memorial Day, which is celebrated on the last Monday in the month of May, serves to honor those who died in military service to the nation. According to the United Service Organizations, this holiday’s roots trace back to post-Civil war era, when citizens would informally place spring flower memorials on the graves of fallen soldiers. By the late 1960’s, Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act to establish Memorial Day as a calendar day, and by the 1970’s it had officially transformed into a legal 3-day holiday weekend.

It’s important to acknowledge that the families who have had to endure the loss of their loved one and beloved service member a day of remembrance. The loss of a loved one never truly leaves their loved ones. Rather, the families and friends of these fallen service members have had to endure their loss, grow around their grief, and continue on. 

Memorial Day is more than just a 3-day weekend filled with activities, discounted sales, and the kickoff for the summer. It is a day of collective remembrance for those who have died in military service and the grief that their loved ones experience.

Cecilia Fabe, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Stress-Relief Tips for Working Moms

It’s no secret that working moms are no strangers to stress. We have to balance the expectations of our workplaces, home, friends and family, and at the same time cope with the emotional rollercoaster of anxiety, guilt, frustration, joy, and all other emotions that come with motherhood.  It is important to practice some self-care in between all of the highs and lows of being both a mother and being part of the workforce. I wanted to share some ideas about ways you can relieve the stress that comes from living in both of these worlds (and the rest of the world around us- inflation, traffic, conflict, elections, social justice- there is just so much, isn’t there?).

1. Organize and Plan

   As a working mom, it can be quite difficult to keep tabs on everything. Taking some time to sit down, plan, and organize events with your family members can be a huge help. Oftentimes, stress is rooted in the fear of the unpredictable. Planning ahead and penciling in your own routine/family routines helps to provide less fuss and fight throughout the week. You might want to display your schedule or routine by keeping a planner and writing things down on a whiteboard or large wall calendar at home to display for all to see. (That makes the rest of the family become involved and responsible for their activities as well. That’s great for teaching kids coping skills and time management!) (And that moms have limits on time that is available)
   

2. Get Connected with Loved Ones

   Humans are social creatures, and we often crave that connection to others. Research studies have shown that kids who often feel neglected tend to act out more, and working moms often struggle with the guilt of not spending enough time with them. In order to reduce this stress, it’s important to find ways to connect and relieve stress at the same time. Along with planning ahead, take the time to enjoy the company of your child, family, friends, and community. Try a five minute sharing time daily, or fifteen minutes twice a week with your teen.
   

3. Set Boundaries!

   Every relationship needs to respect the importance of saying “no”. Working moms already have many roles to play and events scheduled on their planner. In order to keep from feeling too overwhelmed, it’s important to say “no” to the stuff that distracts or disrupts you maintaining your self-esteem, family unit, and success. It’s okay to say “no” to keep your peace. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. No excuses or explanations are needed.
   

4. Practice Gratitude

   Working moms tend to have busy schedules that feel like they have no room left. Despite that it is  important to take a minute to practice gratitude. Research has shown that practicing gratitude can boost self-esteem, foster resilience, and can assist our children to grow up to be happier people. According to a 2008 research study from the Journal of School Psychology, children who grew up with gratitude practice reported more happiness, more satisfaction, and reported better social support. Show your kids that you are naming your gratitude in the morning and evening and help them do it too.
   
   

5. Practice Mindfulness

   Taking the time to practice a short minute of mindfulness helps working moms to press the pause button on their busy lives. What’s so beneficial of practicing mindfulness is its convenience. Working moms can practice a sensory activity while sipping on their morning coffee – noting the aroma, the heat from the mug, and taking a tasteful first sip. Working moms can also take the time to practice mindfulness while preparing dinner for their family or as they are reading a bed-time story for their children. 

I hope this was helpful – I know I need a reminder once in a while as well. If you need more information or would like to work with me I can be reached at Central Counseling Services, www.centralcounselingservices.com (951) 778-0230. I love helping working moms cope, parent, and thrive. 

Marika Lopez

Student I

Morin, A. 2020, November 11. How to Teach Children Gratitude. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-teach-children-gratitude4782154#:~:text=can%20be%20worthwhile.-,Research%20and%20Evidence,up%20to%20be%20happier%20people.

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

Let's talk about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and relationships. The first thing we want to do is recognize the traits of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of being left alone or abandoned. Regardless of whether such abandonment is real or imagined, the individual may take extreme measures to avoid possible separation or rejection. These measures can include threatening self-harm, starting fights and arguments, and engaging in jealous behaviors. Unfortunately, these behaviors can cause an adverse reaction and cause the other partner to withdraw, which is the one thing that the person with a borderline personality disorder is trying to prevent.

BPD tends to make maintaining healthy relationships very challenging. A person with BPD tends to have a very black and white way of thinking about people, seeing them as all good or all bad. This causes frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). What this can look like  "I love you " now" I hate you" behavior.

People with BPD also struggle with identity disturbances. Their ability to be independent and autonomous is significantly impaired. They may also have constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life, including changing partners often, which can further uphold their unstable view of relationships.

Impulsive, risky, and often self-destructive behaviors are also common for those with BPD. This can include actually ending a healthy relationship. 

Suicidal thoughts and behavior are not uncommon for those who struggle with BPD. This suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal threats, or carrying out a suicide attempt.

Another common symptom of BPD is emotional volatility, with intense mood swings ranging from extreme happiness to despair the next. They have a lot of trouble regulating their emotions. While these mood swings tend to pass fairly quickly, typically lasting only a few minutes or hours, they can also persist for several days in some cases. Behaviors associated with this can include starting arguments with your partner. These behaviors are very trying for the partner, and the partner is often left with little direction on how to fix it.

Those with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty feeling empathy for others. Studies have shown that those with BPD often have reduced activity in the brain regions that support empathy, leading to difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. This reduced activity means that those with BPD have difficulty understanding and predicting how others may feel in certain situations. Thus making the partner feel misunderstood and feeling alone.

 BPD is one of the most stigmatized mental health conditions. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that affects adults in the United States alone. Those who develop BPD tend to begin exhibiting signs by early adulthood.

Let's talk about how one "gets" borderline personality disorder.

 Genetics might make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, but often it's due to stressful or traumatic life experiences that these vulnerabilities are triggered and become a problem. Either natural or fear of abandonment in childhood or adolescence, a disrupted family life, or poor communication in the family. Another factor contributing to BPD is sexual, physical, or emotional abuse from childhood. 

There is evidence that those diagnosed with BPD are more likely to have had a history of abuse or other distressing experiences during childhood. Studies have shown that 40% to 76% of people with BPD report being sexually abused as children, and 25% to 73% report being physically abused. Both physical and emotional neglect can also be contributing factors.

Treatment

With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Dialectical behavioral therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white) that so many people with BPD have. 

Part of caring for a partner with BPD is understanding what they're experiencing. Understanding the level of emotional disorder they experience can help you respond in a way that protects both of you from other chaos.

If you have BPD or have a partner with BPD give me a call and let’s work together to create a healthier and happier relationship.

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Late Diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in Girls and Women

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimate that on 1 in 59 children have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.  They also estimate that boys are four times more likely to have a diagnosis than girls. Are there less female children experiencing the symptoms of ASD or are they just going undiagnosed or in some cases, or being diagnosed with other mental health issues instead?  Some of these additional mental health issues include generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, depression, eating disorders, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, Tourette’s Syndrom, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Likewise, if Autism Spectrum Disorder is thought by many in the community to be more of a problem among males, could it be possible that female children and young adults go undiagnosed because the criterion often looked at for diagnosis is based on research done on males? This was a common theme I found when I researched the matter.

First, let’s look at some of the symptoms of a person experiencing Autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder includes both autism with severely compromised communication and social abilities to milder forms, previously known as Asperger’s Syndrome. The milder forms include social and communication challenges, such as poor or fleeting eye contact, difficulty with tolerance around sensory exposure (such as experiencing sounds as too loud, becoming easily frustrated with clothing textures, resistance to having hair brushed or teeth brushed, craving or avoiding certain types of movement to name a few), and difficulty maintaining and navigating social relationships.  In addition, those on the spectrum often enjoy knowing about specific interests and can often retain a great deal of information to memory around these interests (sports statistics, specific periods in history, mechanical or computer technology, art, trains, classic cars, airplanes, gaming, etc.). Coping with the constant sensory bombardment, strong feelings, and navigating the often difficult social and communication challenges often leaves children and young adults feeling anxious in their everyday lives of home and school and many children become targets for bullying by other children, thus intensifying feelings of sadness, frustration, and anxiety. As a result, the person with Autism sometimes uses self-stimulatory repetitive behaviors to cope with this constant bombardment of sensory experiences, managing of feelings, and social/communication challenges as a way to self-soothe.  What does self-stimulatory behavior, often referred to in the community as “stimming,” look like? It can be finger flicking, repetitive pencil tapping or tapping/rubbing on the body, cracking knuckles, rocking, arm flapping, pacing (sometimes on tip toes), repeating words/phrases, smelling objects or people, jumping/bouncing/twirling repetitively to name just a few. It can also include behavior that is considered self-injurious or aggressive towards others, such as pinching, biting, skin picking, punching and the like.

Now that we have an idea of what Autism looks like, what are some of the possible reasons behind late diagnosis of girls, young adults, and women?  Some of the possible reasons outlined in research include girls present with less obvious symptoms in early childhood, they learn to mask stimming and other symptoms that make them stand out during the school day or when with other children, and they find creative ways to manage their symptoms by mimicking their same age peers who are not on the spectrum.  They are more likely to engage with other children on the playground and to participate in social interaction with other same age children until they reach late childhood/early teens.  When girls reach adolescence, the pressure for developing and managing friendships and romantic crushes/relationships often intensifies.  Also, many fall at risk for bullying and find it hard to work through rejection and managing problems within their relationships during these years. Building friendships is hard for most teens, but for girls on the spectrum, it can be even more difficult to find peers who are open and accepting of them. Given these experiences, it is not uncommon for girls to be treated for anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.  Anxiety and depression are not symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder, but rather other existing conditions that commonly occur with it.  These co-occurring struggles are often what leads a parent to seek therapy or medical treatment for their child.  It is not unusual for them to be diagnosed with the co-occurring mental health issues, but not Autism.  Some of the reasons for this are the clinical description in the DSM V that clinicians and psychiatrists use, lists the criterion for Autism Spectrum Disorder base on the research conducted on males.

Let’s take a look at what Autism Spectrum Disorder might look like in girls:

1)     She often relies on other children to guide or speak for her.

2)     She is passionate about specific, restricted interests.

3)     She has unusual sensitivity to everyday sensory experiences.

4)     Her conversations may be restricted to specific limited topics of interest and may not allow for her peers to engage in conversation with her.

5)     She has difficulty with managing feelings when frustrated, sad, angry, or disappointed.

6)     She often experiences depression, moodiness, and anxiety.

7)     She has difficulty making and keeping friends or may seek out friends on line where the social nuances are lessened for body language.

8)     She is often described as shy or quiet.

9)     She can be passive.

10)  The difficulty with social and communication challenges increases with age.

11)  She may experience seizures.

12)  She may struggle with knowing how to take turns during a conversation.

13)  She may have difficulty “reading” social cues.

14)  She may use speech in unusual ways, such as speaking in monotone or with an accent or she may talk using very formal speech.

15)  She may struggle with how long to hold eye contact (either by having her eyes dart away or by holding eye contact longer than might be comfortable for her peers).

Now that you have an idea of what Autism Spectrum Disorder could look like for teen girls, young adults, and women, how do you go about getting a diagnosis? You can reach out to a pediatrician or child psychiatrist who has additional knowledge around ASD and ask to have an assessment completed. If school age, your child can be assessed by a speech and language therapist for the social language concerns (they call this the pragmatic use of language) and a school psychologist who can provide different rating scales that can be filled out. If you live in California, you may access the regional center in your location for evaluation as well for more severe forms of ASD.

Once diagnosed with ASD, there are options for social skills development groups as well as individual therapy to assist in coping with the co-occurring conditions, such as anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.  Speech therapy can assist with helping her to better acclimate to social situations and the nuances of both verbal and non-verbal body language, which are often confusing to her.  Occupational therapy can help with management of overwhelming sensory experiences and can help target areas of need. These sensory challenges present differently in different people and part of the assessment with the occupational therapist can help in this regard. If there is a co-occurring learning disability or her needs rise to the level of needing additional emotional support in school, a parent can seek out testing through the Individual Education Plan process to access special education services.    Lastly, if medical treatment is needed to help with anxiety or depression, a referral to a psychiatrist can be made. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in medications for mental health disorders. Getting a diagnosis is more than just finding a label to explain what is happening. It can help girls on the spectrum to get support earlier and hopefully, reduce some of the symptoms they may experience from co-occurring issues.

McGuire, Wendy, MSW, RSW, Ph.D, “The Struggles of a Teenage Girl with a Late Autism Diagnosis,” Autism Parenting Magazine, February 17, 2022. (https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/struggles-teenage-girl-autism-diagnosis/)

Rudy, Lisa Jo, “Symptoms of Autism in Girls,” Very Well Health, November 2, 2021. (https://www.verywellheatlh.com/signs-of-autism-in-girls-260304)

Breen, Audrey, “Adolescence Can Help Unlock Autism Diagnosis in Girls,” UVAToday, August 31, 2020. (https://news.virginia.edu/content/adolescence-can-help-unlock-autism-diagnnosis-girls)

Jack, Claire, Ph.D., “Women and Autism Checklist of Symptoms: Social Symptoms,” Psychology Today, June 18, 2020. (https://www.psychologytoday/com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder-202006/women-and-autism-checklist-symptoms-social-symptoms)

“Autism in Girls: Symptoms and Diagnosis,” Medical News Today, June 26, 2019. (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325574)

“Autism First Signs and Checklist for Teenagers,” The Spectrum, printed March 11, 2022. (Https://thespectrum.org.au/autism-diagnosis/checklist-teenagers/)

COLLEEN DUGGIN, LCSW

I enjoy partnering with you as begin taking steps toward healing and feeling better.  I understand that making the choice to see a therapist may be difficult for you and my goal is to provide a safe and comforting environment for you to work through problems in your life.

 I have spent time helping people who are experiencing social and emotional challenges related to being on the Autistic Spectrum as a result of my past work at Inland Regional Center and I know how difficult and challenging it is to have a child on this spectrum. I understand your fear of an unknown future for your child as well as the daily struggles such as attending school, making friends or meltdowns for no apparent reason. I understand your anguish and frustration for finding the proper help for you child. Call me and let’s begin the important work of supporting you and helping your child.

If you are a parent with a child who has issues with Attention Deficit Disorder with or without Hyperactivity, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Tourette’s syndrome, I have vast experience and knowledge in these areas and will collaborate with you to develop a plan for working with your child, which may include questionnaires about parenting a child with special issues. I will dig in and work with you to find a workable behavioral structure that can help you, the parent and help your child manage the symptoms. I offer you, the stressed and worn out parent who loves their child deeply but are exhausted a safe place to talk and discuss the issues of importance to you. Additionally, we will work together to develop a self-care plan that will help you to reduce the symptoms and enhance coping skills.  This is why I chose Saturday to work to be the most convenient day for most parents.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, it would be my honor to help you restore control, peace and calmness back into your family.  I am easy to to get a hold of email: therapyccs@gmail.com or you can text me to set up your appointment (951) 323-2182 or if you wish to speak to a staff member call our main reception @ 951-778-0230. No excuses to not have control of your life.

Save a relationship by using these ‘Fair Fighting Rules’.

As you are probably well aware, the last few years have been difficult due to so many occurrences happening in the world. Political issues, COVID-19, so many different losses in everyone’s life, not to mention all the different viewpoints related to all these topics. I hear and see so many families and friends being divided due to having opposing stances on the different topics including, politics, vaccination or not, etc.

Knowing that each one of us is going through a difficult time hopefully gives us pause, and allows us to consider some of the tools to be able to listen to one another and use some ‘fair fighting rules’ so we can continue communicating and having a relationship instead of ‘breaking up’.

1. Ask yourself why are you upset? Are you upset because someone didn’t fold their laundry, or left the ketchup on the counter? Or do you feel that the household chores are not divided equally and this is just another proof?It’s good to figure out your own feelings first before starting an argument and at the same time staying on 1 topic. If we are angry about not getting the help we want with household chores, we are not arguing about “too much videogame time” in this moment; that might be a topic for another conversation.

2. No reason to yell or make it personal by using degrading language. Let’s stay focused on the issue we are upset about, not making the other person feel bad.

3. Using “I” statements. You’ve probably heard people say this before, and it really works. Blaming the other person will most likely result in a defensive answer from the instead of a solution that works for both of you. Saying “I feel hurt/upset/sad/worried/….when …. and I would like…..” we are not blaming our partner, instead taking responsibility for our own feelings.

   If we take the previous example and compare: “You always leave the ketchup on the counter and never clean up after yourself” Vs. “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when I see the ketchup on the counter after you used it. I would like/appreciate it if you put it away after using it so we can spend some more time together instead of me having to clean up”. You will most likely get more help with the second sentence than the first.

4. Reflective listening. Making sure we understand what the other person is saying instead of assuming what we think they said. So instead of responding immediately, restate what they said in your own words and make sure the other person agrees before sharing your side. People will feel more understood, even if you disagree.

5. Following these tips is not always easy and arguments can become heated. Know when to take a time-out. Let the other person know that you need some time to calm down, or if the other person asks, respect their request. Do something relaxing to calm down and set a time when you are able to have a conversation to come to a mutual agreement about the topic. Remember even ‘agree to disagree’ can be an agreement. Don’t leave the topic unaddressed, because that might start another argument.

I hope these tips are helpful and will strengthen your relationships with family and friends instead of creating more divide between us. We are all going through some difficulties, it would be great if we could be supportive for each other. If you need some help or practice on how to implement these ‘fair fighting rules’, or you are struggling with relationships, parenting issues, or grief, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Central Counseling Services and we will support and guide you along your journey.

ILSE AERTS, LMFT, LPCC

Are you sad, worried, stressed or anxious? Have you experienced trauma? Are you overwhelmed as a partner, parent or caregiver? Don’t keep trying to do it alone. We’ll explore where grief and loss, parenting, or the challenges life has thrown you might be showing up in how you’re feeling.

Maybe you’ve moved from a different state or country and are trying to cope with the Southern California way of life. Yes, we have In-N-Out, but we also have the 91 freeway and a busy pace nobody warned you about. I understand that adjustment, and how hard it can be to adapt to new expectations and getting comfortable with a different language because I’ve done it myself. I can offer you guidance and support, and together we can rediscover your inner strength working through those challenges.

Let’s look at where and what you want to change, and fix it in a way that works for you. I utilize techniques from evidence based theories including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), solution focused interventions, person centered strategies, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)that are tailored to your specific needs. Your treatment is a team effort, and you decide where you want to go and what success will look and feel like. My job is to help you get there.

I earned my Master degree in Clinical Psychology from Vrije Universiteit Brussel. Yes, that’s in Belgium where there is no IN-N-Out or 91 freeway. I’m a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. That allows me to provide extra resources and educational opportunities to give you the best care you deserve.

I welcome clients from all cultural backgrounds, family structure, beliefs and ages, and work with most issues. My colleagues and clients call me the “resource Queen.” That means if even one client needs a resource or a new approach, I will find it and we will use it. My commitment is always to provide my clients with the best care and most current resources.

Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available weekdays. I will see you soon.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, let’s make it:

• great

• worthwhile

• count

• awesome

• wonderful

....... it’s up to you!

Emotional Intimacy

Have you ever spent the entire day with someone, but still felt like you missed them or you didn’t really connect in your time together? It’s possible that you are doing tasks alongside someone but missing emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy applies to all relationships. You do not have to be a touchy-feely person to have emotional intimacy. It's more a matter of having the ability to show someone that you care, rather than gushing over someone and sharing all of your feelings all of the time. 

“Emotional intimacy could be defined as allowing yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust,” says Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City and faculty member in Columbia University's clinical psychology Ph. D

Here are some examples:

• When you’re aware that your friend has an important event coming up and you text them to “Best of luck” on the day of or ask them how it went.

• When you ask your parent for their opinion on a subject even if you don’t need their advice. Giving them an opportunity to give a neutral perspective on a topic.

• When you’re running late to work and your partner helps you out by packing your lunch and getting your coffee started.

• When you see that a family member had a strong reaction to something, checking in with them about it later to see how they felt or if they want to discuss it. 

• You tell your parents about an upsetting experience you had and they listen carefully to your complaints and discuss them calmly with you. 

• You tell your coworker about an incident at work and they listen to you and offer support as you figure out how to navigate the situation. 

Emotional Intimacy in Romantic Relationships

A relationship can survive without physical intimacy, but not emotional intimacy.  Emotional intimacy in relationships is important as it allows you to reach new levels of trust and vulnerability in your relationship. Common challenges to emotional intimacy in relationships are when one partner feels that their partner is not providing equal levels of emotional attention and support or when one partner confuses emotional intimacy as an opportunity to emotionally unload on their partner.  

How Do You Build It?

The recipe for emotional intimacy is equal parts communication and trust. Emotional connections take time to build. In addition to having patience you have to create opportunities to demonstrate that you can be trusted. This allows, the other person to gauge how safe they are to be vulnerable with you and how reliable you are. It’s important to start where the other person is. Start with the present relationships or interests, rather than childhood and deep family relationships.

Why Don’t You Have It?

Is it a trust issue? communication issue? or both? Having a strong emotional bond is an outcome of working on these issues first. Trust is the hardest to build and easiest to lose. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re in the re-building phase of trust. The person has to be willing to put in the effort to repair what they have broken. They have to take ownership of what actions they took to damage the relationship in the first place. The focus should be on building a healthy relationship instead of recreating the relationship you once had. The reality is that it's gone and if you were both truly fulfilled then it would have been sustainable.  

How Do You Accept That Your Partner Will Not Give It To You?

Can you force someone to give you what they don't have? For many people it isn’t a conscious decision but more of a completely new way of relating to someone. Healthy marriages are supposed to be different than every other relationship you carry. It is unique and that often makes it challenging for people to create something they’ve never had. 

If your partner can carry an emotionally intimate relationship but chooses not to, then you can't force them. You should demonstrate patience and communicate your needs consistently and calmly. Once you’ve established that they understand what you are asking for, given clear ways of creating it, and given ample opportunities to make the changes necessary, then you have to accept that you don’t have control over their behavior. You can choose to remain in the relationship as it is, but it is likely you are continuing in the relationship based on the potential you see in the relationship, more than the reality of the current relationship. 

For more info, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-build-emotional-intimacy-your-partner-starting-tonight-ncna1129846

Vanessa Trujillo, LCSW

My first steps into the field of mental health started in Los Angeles County working to reunite families who had been separated due to abuse and generational trauma. I learned firsthand how important it is to heal from emotional pain in order to develop healthy relationships and positive personal change.

I have worked as a therapist for 8 years and know that we are all working towards stability and security. I have found success in working with youth, women, children, and families, ages 4-80 years old, who struggle to manage their worries, feel hopeless, and/or have experienced trauma. It is important to me that I learn about each client, in order to identify ways that I could be of service to them and their family, rather than to pathologize their behavior.

I strive to provide mental health services based in compassion, commitment, and honesty. My goal is to ensure that each person I work with understands their behavioral health condition and can identify techniques to be successful in overcoming any impairments. Often, when facing challenges with our emotional health, we become convinced that we are in a hopeless situation. While no amount of therapy can change someone’s lived experiences, in therapy we work to understand the meaning of these events and provide you with tools to determine the direction you want your life to take.

Our sessions will include theory, literature, and evidenced based techniques to create practical solutions that can be used in everyday situations. I would love to assist you in taking the first steps in a journey to improve the quality of your life and/or relationships.

TO BOOK A SESSION WITH VANESSA CALL 951-778-0230. VANESSA IS ALSO BILINGUAL IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH.