How Do You Love? Learn About the Five Love languages

Love can be universally found where people are. People who have found their

other half are asked “How did you know he or she is the one?” and most people reply,

“You just know.” This begs the question: is love measurable in research? According to

past research in psychology, love has been measured within relationships and there are

different theories surrounding the subject. One theory within love and relationships is

called Chapman’s Five Love languages. This theory describes and measures love that

can be applied to relationships. Both theories can be interpreted within couples therapy

and provide insight into how partners individually view love. These theories can help

with assessment of couples and their present concerns (compassion fatigue, intimacy,

communication etc.) within couples therapy.

CHapman’s five love languages

In 2009, Dr. Gary Chapman defines five ways of expressing love which are

known as the five love languages. The five love languages consist of receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Dr. Chapman suggests that people have a primary and secondary love language. He also advises

that couples must communicate with each other how they would like to express and receive love towards each other in order to avoid conflict. Chapman explains that all love languages are equally important, but people have different preferences.

1.) Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation is a love language described as shown by verbally communicating appreciation by a partner. It can also be shown by a person complimenting their partner in front of others or praising their partner. Chapman explains that a person complimenting their partner will make their partner feel loved because they are expressing their admiration verbally in front of others.

2.) Quality Time

Quality time is a love language in which the person gives their partner their undivided attention. Chapman explains that quality time can be having a quality of conversation. Quality conversation consists of shared experiences, feelings, thoughts, and desires without interruption. This love language differs from words of affirmation because there is a focus on what the person is hearing from their partner instead of what they are saying to their partner.

3.) Gift Giving

Gift giving is a love language in which a person invests in their relationship by swapping gifts. This love language specifically is seen across cultures as an expression of love and thoughtfulness. For instance, among Hispanic culture it is a custom to buy gifts to bring home to loved ones when traveling. Chapman clarified that gifts do not necessarily have to cost money but feel like a symbol of love.

4.) ACTS OF SERVICE

Acts of service is a love language described as doing things for your partner that you would like you to do for them. An example of acts of service can be household chores or making dinner when your partner needs a break. From a cultural perspective, acts of service can be interpreted in a different way. Chapman advises that acts of service should be done with positive thought and planning.

5.) Physical Touch

Lastly, physical touch is a love language which involves touching, hugging, kissing, handholding, or sexual activity. The five love languages can be easily applied to therapy sessions with couples to learn if they have different love languages and if they are aware of their partner’s love language. Learning about love languages can help therapists with insight on their client’s relationships and help with communication and intimacy.

How can this benefit my relationship?

Since humans grew up within different environments and have different perspectives on how to love, it makes sense to form different theories regarding love and relationships. These love theories can be used within couples therapy and changing the dynamics of romantic relationships. Learning about love languages can help couples who are struggling with intimacy and change how they give and receive love to each other. Whether it is Valentine’s day, an anniversary or a Tuesday, acting upon your partner's love language can improve your  relationship.

Written by: Alexa Gonzalez

Meaning and Psychotherapy

How ‘Meaning’ Impacts Relationships

In the 80s, there was a TV sitcom called ‘Webster’ based on a married couple who adopted a young boy (Webster) after the boy’s parents died in an accident. Webster called his adoptive parents George and Ma’am. In one episode, the adoptive mother, Katherine, asks Webster why he refers to them this way.

The Meaning Response

Years later, it’s amazing to me that I recall anything specific from the show, but this scene is still with me because of the dramatic emotional turn it represented. We could see Katherine’s confusion and dismay about Webster seemingly opening up to George but continuing to call her by a very formal name.

As I remember it, Webster solemnly replies that he calls Katherine ma’am because it sounds like “mom.” With this one simple statement, Katherine’s perspective changes drastically - she sees her relationship with Webster, and herself, in a completely different way. And we know it has hit her hard because of her facial expression.

This is an illustration of a psychological concept called the ‘meaning response.’

The basic idea of the meaning response is that our interpretation of things can affect our response and what follows. There are so many examples of how the meaning response impacts our lives. In fact, this idea describes a fundamental human experience.

We can have very different responses to situations based partly on how we interpret someone else’s actions. A reasonable response to a partner’s behavior might be “she’s angry at me” or “she has a prickly personality” or “she is having a bad day” and so on. Our inner responses to these different interpretations can steer our relationships and inner thoughts in very specific directions, both helpful and unhelpful. When considering the above thoughts, our reactions might be “I’m angry at her too!” or “I need to avoid her” or “she’s hangry, it will be more pleasant after lunch.”

Perhaps the most well-known form of the meaning response is the ‘placebo effect.’ This describes the way a person’s health responds to their expectations. In other words, things that can affect our physical health include our expectation or belief that a thing can make life better or worse, as measured by medical science.

Meaning Impacts the Health of Relationships and Individuals

The meaning response is an important factor in the areas of mental health, especially in emotional connection with others or when there is family conflict. People come to psychotherapy to improve their lives in a wide variety of ways. Some of these are very clear and well-defined, and others are less tangible. One of the many ways a therapist can help is by shining a light on ‘meaning’ in the life of the individual, couple, or family. The process of therapy can help uncover beliefs and expectations that maintain conflict patterns between partners or family members.

In the psychotherapy world, ‘trauma’ is usually understood in terms of a person’s response to an event or events, and it is understood that two people who witness or experience the same event can and do have very different ‘trauma’ following the event. One reason for the difference may be the meaning response - personal meaning can change the outcomes drastically.

It should be noted that while the meaning response influences overall individual and relationship health, it is only one of many factors. If we are not careful, talking about belief and expectation as a factor in whole person health can sound like blame, as in “it is my fault because I don’t believe I can get over this.” It can lead to ‘magical thinking’ that relies on belief, setting intentions or ‘manifesting,’ prayer, and other mental processes alone. And it can overshadow very influential factors like low socioeconomic status, marginalization, discrimination, lack of support from family and friends, and many other problems.

Why Meaning Matters in Family Conflict

A Black orphan boy calling a white woman something close to “mom” brings up serious questions about “white savior” media narratives that can also be important to address in talk therapy and elsewhere. But that is a topic for another post. In this 22-minute episode of Webster, it’s easy to sit back and watch a very tidy story unfold: Katherine asks… Webster replies… Katherine’s face softens, the audience sighs… and fade to black. In real life, we don’t have professional writers feeding us lines to resolve fights or misunderstandings. In real life, it’s rarely this simple to watch the meaning response impact an individual or a relationship so decisively. In real life, maybe Katherine would feel rejected by Webster and argue with George instead of asking the boy directly. Maybe Webster would say “I don’t know” or change the subject or act out by bullying a classmate or hiding in his room.

It is in real-life situations like these that a therapist can help a client sort through communication breakdowns and difficult behaviors. Working with a therapist can help by focusing our attention on the meanings that bring us closer to those we want to connect with. This work can help us identify our values and set healthy boundaries to bring ourselves closer to them.

Webster’s comment to “Ma’am” was a moment of change. She suddenly understood Webster’s perspective very differently. From Katherine’s perspective, everything before that moment was colored by questions about her connection with the boy. Afterwards, we can imagine that she became more accepting, tolerant, patient with Webster, and perhaps even that she began to see him more completely as a whole person. Because of the meaning response and the change of attitude we can see in Katherine and individuals who benefit from such change in therapy, challenging relationships and individual health can be transformed.

Reference: Locher C, Meier S, Gaab J. Psychotherapy: A World of Meanings. Front Psychol. 2019 Mar 22;10:460. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00460. PMID: 30984050; PMCID: PMC6448000. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6448000/

Taming the Overthinking Beast: Tips for Calming Your Mind and Easing Depression

Adapting to overthinking is pivotal for those dealing with anxiety and depression—two

common challenges in mental health nowadays. Overthinking can feel like a beast that will not

stop, chipping away at inner peace (Joubert et al., 2022). It leads to a cycle of negativity, making

feelings worse and disrupting calm. Here, we will explore basic ways to calm an overactive

mind, offering help and easing the weight of anxiety and depression.

Understanding the Nature of Overthinking

Overthinking is prevalent in our present-day, fast-paced society driven by information. It

includes the mind’s consistent examination and dwelling on past occasions, current situations,

and potential futures. This persistent thought cycle significantly influences a person’s welfare,

causing heightened stress, anxiety, and, in some cases, even depression. What precisely is

overthinking? It can be described as a steady mental chatter, where the mind becomes focused on

a particular theme or issue, regularly magnifying its noteworthiness and making unnecessary

worry. This incessant consideration can feel like a hamster wheel, turning endlessly and

preventing us from finding peace and clarity (Joubert et al., 2022).

There are various causes of overthinking, including past trauma, fear of disappointment,

perfectionism, and a general need for self-confidence. Also, factors such as outside stressors,

social pressure, and an unhealthy way of life can contribute to the development of overthinking

habits. Recognizing the nature of overthinking is the first step in breaking free from its grasp. It

is essential to understand that overthinking could be a more productive and accommodating

handle. Instead, it victimizes us of our mental energy, focus, and present-moment awareness. By

recognizing this, we can create strategies to avoid overthinking and recover control over our minds.

Practical Steps to Mitigate Overthinking and Ease Your Mind

Overthinking often appears like an unbounded cycle, trapping us in a tedious pattern of

pessimistic contemplations and feelings. However, there are significant measures to reduce

overthinking and develop peace in our minds.

One important strategy is to practice mindfulness.

This involves focusing on the

present moment and observing our thoughts without judgment. By becoming mindful of our

overthinking designs, we are ready to separate ourselves from them and regain control of our

minds. Incorporating meditation and profound breathing exercises into our daily routine can

promote calmness and reduce overthinking. Another practical step is challenging our negative

thoughts (Ciaunica et al., 2022). Regularly, overthinking is fueled by irrational and distorted

thinking patterns. By questioning the validity of these thoughts and reframing them in a more

reasonable and positive light, we can debilitate their control and decrease our overthinking tendencies.

Setting clear boundaries and practicing self-care are also crucial in managing overthinking. We must prioritize our prosperity and make time for exercises that bring us joy and relaxation.

Taking breaks from technology, engaging in hobbies, and spending time in nature can/ all contribute to a calmer mind. Furthermore, seeking support from an advisor or counselor can be immensely useful in

addressing the root causes of overthinking and developing personalized strategies to prevent it. I

can assist you in investigating past injuries, addressing self-esteem issues, and creating adapting

instruments for managing external stressors. Remember that managing overthinking may be a

journey, and it takes time and practice to make a calm mind. By executing these viable steps and

looking for the support you need, you will regain control over your thoughts, upgrade your

physical and mental well-being, and pave the way for a more satisfying life.

Addressing the Relationship between Overthinking and Depression

Recognizing how overthinking intertwines with depression is pivotal for devising

effective coping strategies. Overthinking tends to intensify depression symptoms, establishing a

destructive loop of pessimistic thoughts and emotions. Continuous dwelling on past occurrences

or fretting about the future amplifies sensations of sorrow, despair, and inadequacy. Moreover,

overthinking impedes involvement in activities fostering positive mental and physical well-

being, thus exacerbating or initiating depressive tendencies. To address the relationship between

overthinking and depression, it is essential to implement strategies that target both issues

simultaneously. This includes practicing mindfulness and challenging negative thoughts, as

discussed in the previous section (Boutin et al., 2022). By actively monitoring and reframing our

thoughts, we can prevent overthinking from fueling our depression. Also, engaging in regular

workouts, keeping a healthy diet, and getting enough rest are significant for managing depression

and promoting general well-being. Seeking proficient help is also crucial in tending to the

complex relationship between overthinking and sadness, which can assist in recognizing the

primary causes of both conditions, creating personalized adapting mechanisms, and providing

support throughout the journey. Remember, managing overthinking and misery is not a one-size-

fits-all approach. It requires self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to implementing and

keeping up with techniques that advance mental and physical health.

Tools and Techniques for Maintaining a Calm Mind

Overcoming the relentless grip of overthinking can often seem like an impossible battle.

However, invaluable strategies exist within this struggle to foster tranquility and tame this

consuming beast. Journaling emerges as a powerful ally; transcribing thoughts and emotions

onto paper grants clarity and unveils the intricate web of overthinking tendencies. Externalizing

ideas provides liberation, bestowing a fresh perspective and a profound sense of relief. Another

effective technique is practicing self-compassion. Remind yourself that it is typical to have

considerations and worries, but attempt not to judge or criticize yourself for them. Treat yourself

with kindness and understanding, and remember you are doing your best.

Engaging in relaxation works, such as deep breathing and progressive muscle

unwinding, can be useful (Joubert et al., 2022). These techniques can help activate your body’s

relaxation response and reduce anxiety and stress, making it easier to quiet the mind and find

calm. In addition, finding healthy distractions can help divert your attention away from

overthinking. Engaging in hobbies, exercise, or spending time with loved ones can provide a

much-needed break from constant rumination. Finally, looking for support from others can make

a significant difference in managing overthinking. Whether through treatment, support groups, or

trusted friends and family, having a support framework can provide support, direction, and a safe

space to share your thoughts and feelings (Boutin et al., 2022). By implementing these devices

and methods, you will develop a tool kit of strategies to avoid overthinking and maintain a calm

intellect. Everyone’s journey is unique, so try different approaches and find what works best for

you. With persistence and patience, you can find relief from overthinking and live a more

peaceful and fulfilling life.

I chose the path of a therapist due to my enduring fascination with human behavior and

the intricate workings of the mind. Beyond this, I derive deep fulfillment from guiding

individuals through emotional hurdles and mental health challenges. It is inspiring to support

others in comprehending their thoughts and emotions, fostering healthier coping mechanisms,

and enhancing their overall wellness.

References

Joubert, A. E., Moulds, M. L., Werner‐Seidler, A., Sharrock, M., Popovic, B., & Newby, J. M. (2022). Understanding the experience of rumination and worry: A descriptive qualitative survey study. British journal of clinical psychology,

61(4), 929–946. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12367

Ciaunica, A., Seth, A., Limanowski, J., Hesp, C., & Friston, K. J. (2022). I overthink—Therefore I am not: An active inference account of altered sense of self and agency in depersonalization disorder. Consciousness and Cognition, 101, 103320.

https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2022.103320

New Parents: Coping with Gender Disappointment

Having a baby is an exciting time for many couples, and knowing the gender of the baby can

add onto the joy. Having the accessibility to knowing and celebrating the sex of the baby prior to the baby’s birth is often celebrated through a gender reveal, parties, or one of those social

media posts that one may see. However, such festivities and activities may not necessarily be

as joyous. Results of such tests can lead to parents feeling sadness, disappointment, and even depression because [the results] are not what they expected.

According to Dr. Danielle Forshee, “gender disappointment describes the feelings of sadness and disappointment, typically followed by guilt and shame, a parent might experience when they find out that the sex of their baby is not what they were hoping for”. The general pattern for gender disappointment includes expectation, first, then disappointment, followed by guilt.

There can be many reasons as to why parents may experience gender disappointment, rather than the common misconception of preferring one sex over the other for superficial reasons. Some reasons may include cultural pressures, societal pressure, previous trauma, and even the feeling that the parent cannot connect with one sex as best over the other.

To cope with gender disappointment, there are a few steps that a parent can take. Shame and guilt are emotions that can especially weigh heavy on any individual, and so it is important to talk to someone that you can trust about these feelings. Confiding in a partner, family, close friend, and even a support group can assist in relieving such feelings of sadness, disappointment, shame, and guilt. Refraining from communication about gender disappointment can lead to the likelihood of the mother experiencing postpartum depression, as well. For active listening and a non-judgmental space, oftentimes individual talk therapy is best for processing gender disappointment, guilt, and shame.

Resources:

Appleton, N. (2022). How to handle gender disappointment. VeryWellFamily. 

https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-handle-gender-disappointment-5204417

Crider, C. (2020). Dealing with gender disappointment: It’s OK to feel sad. Healthline.

https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/gender-disappointment

Supporting a Partner with Postpartum Depression: Four Ways Partners can Help

Many individuals assume that the time after having a baby is a joyous moment that brings the family together. However, it is also important to consider that as many as 1 in 7 new mother experience postpartum depression after birth, leading to their partners experiencing confusion with how best to support these new mothers.

It can be emotionally challenging for a partner of a new mother who is struggling with postpartum depression, as well. Postpartum depression is treatable, and there are many ways for partners to provide support. It is important to understand that a partner’s role is not to diagnose postpartum depression, but to hold space for [a new mother’s] expressed feelings. Below are some ways that partners can help:

1. Availability: Making yourself available for your partner, whether it be listening to their shared feelings or giving them some “me time” without the baby, it is important to allow your partner to know that you are accessible and available to help. This can be done best by communicating with them about when you are available or even taking charge of caring for the baby yourself

2. Helping Around the House: There is a pressure to maintain a clean home, and it is only amplified when a new baby is brought in. Take the time to help clean around your home and give your partner a chance to only focus on care for the baby,

3. Healthy Eating: Healthy eating can feel impossible to a new mother once the baby is brought home. It is helpful to ensure your partner is receiving all the necessary nutrients by cooking their meals, feeding it to them, or shopping for healthy groceries while your partner is tending to your child.

4. Affirmations: Taking the time to affirm to your partner that they are a great mom/dad and any other kind affirmations to support positive thinking can go such a long way.

Resources: Wisner, W. (2020). What to do when your partner has postpartum depression. VeryWellFamily.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/when-your-partner-has-postpartum-depression-4843643

Prenatal Depression: What Expectant Mothers Need to Know

While most people have heard of postpartum depression, not many are aware of its lesser-known counterpart: prenatal depression. Prenatal depression is a type of depression that expectant mothers may experience during pregnancy. In addition to feelings of sadness, women with prenatal depression may also struggle with anxiety, fatigue, irritability, and changes in their sleeping and eating habits.

It's important to bring attention to prenatal depression, as many expecting mothers may not even be aware that it exists. Although there isn't a single cause of prenatal depression, it's crucial to recognize the signs and symptoms so that expectant mothers can receive the necessary treatment.

The following are some common symptoms of prenatal depression, which may differ for each expectant mother:

• Feelings of sadness

• Feelings of hopelessness

• Loss of interest in enjoyable activities

• Guilt

• Changes in sleeping and eating habits

• Difficulty concentrating on tasks

• Anxious thoughts and excessive worry

• Anger

• Isolation

• Participation in unsafe prenatal activities, such as smoking, drinking, and drug use

• Thoughts of suicide

Untreated prenatal depression can negatively impact the healthy development of a baby. While several factors play a role in a baby's growth and well-being, experiencing any of the symptoms mentioned above can have unintended consequences. For instance, depression may cause a person to miss prenatal appointments or adopt unhealthy eating habits. Additionally, untreated prenatal depression raises the chances of developing postpartum depression.

The most effective way to address prenatal depression is to seek care. Talk therapy, medication, exercise, joining support groups, self-care, and communication are some common treatment options available for expectant mothers. Seeking help and addressing prenatal depression not only benefits the mother but also the healthy development of the baby.

Sources

Cleveland Clinic. (2022). Prenatal depression. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22984-prenatal-depression

Wisner, W. (2022). What is prenatal or perinatal depression?. VeryWellFamily. https://www.verywellfamily.com/prenatal-depression-4846439

Becoming Aware of Alcohol and Substance Abuse

““Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover
the infinite power of our light””

— Brene Brown

Life is a journey composed of unique experiences that build our character and provide us with opportunities to create our own destiny. In the process, we experience highs and lows. By nature, we accept the highs more than the lows as the highs usually bring feelings of joy and satisfaction. Within our journey we learn to cope with the lows. Some people cope by reaching out to friends/family, journaling, receiving mental health services, meditating, reading self-help books among many other healthy ways of coping. However, not everyone has the ability to open up about past traumas (child abuse, exposure to violence, family history of substance abuse, loss of a loved one and tragic life experiences). In some cases, individuals suppress their feelings and pain, utilize anger for power and control, self-protection, isolate themselves and turn to substances as a way to numb their feelings and memories of trauma/loss. When we are unaware of our responses, we tend to continue unhealthy patterns that can lead to dependency and addiction. So what do we do? How do we become aware of an alcohol/substance abuse addiction and heal? This blog will help you recognize the signs of addiction and how to obtain the help that you need, so you can heal and live your life to your fullest potential. Everything is possible with knowledge, support, action and self-determination.

What is a substance-based addiction?

According to the American Psychological Association a substance-based addiction is defined as “Substance abuse is a pattern of compulsive substance use marked by recurrent significant social, occupational, legal, or interpersonal adverse consequences, such as repeated absences from work or school, arrests, and marital difficulties. Addiction is a state of psychological or physical dependence (or both) on the use of alcohol or other drugs. The term is often used as an equivalent term for substance dependence and sometimes applied to behavioral disorders, such as sexual, internet, and gambling addictions.”

According to the All Points North (APN) “The widespread prevalence of substance use disorders solidifies the need for quality treatment options and resources for people seeking recovery. Alcohol is by far the most commonly abused substance: 10.2% of all Americans struggle with an alcohol use disorder, far more than any other substance. In descending order, marijuana, prescription drugs, opioids, and stimulants are the next most common substance use disorders.”

Statistics:

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse:

• 6.4% of Californians have alcohol use disorder

• 3.3% of Californians have substance use disorder involving illicit drugs

• 0.6% have an addiction to prescription pain medication

10 Signs of Addiction:

According to Recovery Centers for America:

1. Missing Class/Work due to drinking/being under the influence.

2. Isolating/Avoiding social situations, family/friends to consume alone. 

3. Episodes of Depression, Anger and/or Violence.

4. Taking Risks that can impact your life or the life of others.

5. Not knowing when to stop drinking or consuming illegal/controlled substances.

6. Driving under the influence.

7. Getting arrested due to behavior exhibited while intoxicated/under the influence.

8. Losing relationships.

9. Risky behaviors that can impact your life and the lives of others.

10. Financial hardships due the substance use.

Do any of the signs or behaviors of addiction reflect your current situation? If so, please reach out for help. The hardest step is admitting that you have a substance abuse addiction and that you need help, support, treatment and intervention. Admitting is not easy as you may encounter feelings of shame, isolation, loneliness, denial. Just know you are not alone. There are many people who experience addiction in their lives and also want to live a sober lifestyle. Taking the first step to recovery is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Can you imagine, living a sober life and taking charge of your journey in a healthy manner? Wow, how liberating must that be! Getting to know your inner self by healing the wounds that led you to numbing pain through addiction can drive you to new beginnings and self-discovery. What are you waiting for?

Treatment/Support: 

1. Individual, group, and family therapy 

2. Outpatient Substance Abuse Treatment 

3. Residential/Inpatient Treatment 

4. NA/AA Classes 

5. Obtaining a Sponsor 

6. SAMHSA Helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4257)

As a clinician at Central Counseling Services I am here to help. I have over 20 years of experience working with children, adults and families exposed to violence, victims of child abuse/neglect, substance abuse addiction, parenting challenges and trauma. 

My focus is to help you heal through the therapeutic process by supporting you in developing healthy coping skills, utilizing your strengths, building awareness, setting healthy boundaries and allowing the time and space to heal. My treatment approach is eclectic as I utilize various modalities of treatment emphasizing on cognitive behavioral therapy.  If you are interested in therapeutic services, please do not hesitate to give us a call:  (951) 778-0230.

How to Show Emotional Support When You Don't Know What to Say

Have you ever found yourself In a situation where you wanted to be a source of comfort to someone but didn’t know what to say?

Over the years, many of my clients have shared situations they encountered in which they didn’t know what to say.  They shared that they couldn’t think of the “right words” to say to someone going through a difficult time such as a loss (death of a loved one, divorce, unemployment, illness).  Without realizing it, they had placed pressure on themselves to come up with the “right words”.

But is that possible?  Are there “right words” for a parent who has lost a child? For someone who has received a cancer diagnosis? What about for someone who has experienced a traumatic event?

Think of a challenging time you went through.  Who, if anyone, helped you get through it?  Was it the words someone shared or was it the actions they demonstrated?

For some moments, words may not provide much comfort, but actions do.  Let us not underestimate the power of our presence.  To be present with someone who is feeling emotional pain can be a source of comfort.  For some, the inclination may be to leave that person alone because of the feelings it may bring up in them.  It may be feelings of doubt or uncertainty about how to help.  In addition, there may be pressure to know which “right words” to use.

In 2022, the American Psychological Association released a report which revealed that emotional support was correlated with higher rates of well-being and lower levels of stress.  That tells us emotional support can and does make a difference.

So, what would it look like to show emotional support when not knowing what to say?  The following are 4 suggestions:

1. Listen with empathy: Consider empathy as a superpower that allows you to place yourself in the shoes of another.  Try to view the situation from their perspective, not yours.  When we listen with empathy, it becomes easier to refrain from passing judgment.  For instance, if you are wanting to show support to a friend who recently lost their job, listening with empathy would have you consider what that experience must be like- the experience of having employment one day and not having it the next.  It would be to imagine what thoughts may be crossing their mind (potential difficulty with loss of income, the possible stress of a new job search).  When we listen with empathy, we achieve a better understanding of what others may be going through.

2. Avoid fixing the problem: This is quite common in so many who genuinely want to help.  The assumption is made that the problem can be easily fixed.  Let me return to the example of the friend who lost their job.  An impulsive response may be “I heard they’re hiring at Amazon. You should go apply there.” While some may appreciate learning about job vacancies, others may not feel seen and heard.  Perhaps the friend who lost their job is still processing what happened. A range of thoughts and emotions may be coming up for them.  Sorting those out may take some time.  When we’re quick to offer fixes, it can come across as dismissive of their emotional state. Although our intentions may be good when bringing up job opportunities, let us also remember that people benefit from processing situations first before developing a plan of action.

3. Be honest: During times we want to show emotional support but don’t know what to do or say, it’s helpful to acknowledge that.  For instance, it’s being able to say, “I want to support you, but I don’t know what to say or do.” By acknowledging this, you remove some pressure from yourself.  Through your openness and honesty, you demonstrate that you want to serve as a support although you don’t know what that may look like.  In many cases, the individual in need of the support may share more with you about what support may be wanted/needed if anything at all.  

4. Consider different types of support: When discussing emotional support, it’s important to consider all the different types.  There are some who may benefit from emotional support but that may not come in the form of talking/expressing themselves.  Helpful deeds can be a positive source of emotional support.  This may include assisting with transportation, helping to review their resume, accompanying them to medical appointments, or lending a hand with childcare.

Please know that not everyone who needs/wants emotional support is ready to talk.  It’s worth noting that even when emotional support is available, it does not replace therapy or medical treatment.  For anyone interested in therapeutic services, please feel free to contact our office.

Written by: Priscilla Rivera

Black History & Black Mental Health

Black History & Black Mental Health

By Tosha Owens

February is Black History Month. It is a time dedicated to honoring and celebrating the essential contributions of Black people in America. National and local events and online celebrations will

take place throughout the month to focus attention on Black people's achievements and history and it is truly a time for everyone to celebrate. Black history is important because Black history is American history. It is not a separate matter. So today, we dedicate an entire month to recognize the meaningful impact that Black people have made to enrich American culture, expand our national footprint, strengthen families, and make a better society for all. 

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website states, “According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, African Americans are 20 percent more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population.” They also go on to explain that while 40% of whites seek care for mental health issues, only 25% of African Americans reach out for help.

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While the Black community has had a history of tackling social, racial, and economic justice, and there has been much progress made. What remains to be seen is why is there such a significant strain in the community on Black Mental Health. Addressing this prevailing issue will have an immediate impact on the long-term effects on the health of the Black community.

“What remains to be seen is why is there such a significant strain in the community on Black Mental Health. ”

Shame and stigma of mental health

The shame from family often stems from a greater cultural stigma that impacts mental health in the Black community. Messages about going to therapy can be viewed as a sign of weakness and something to be ashamed of. A lot of Black people don't think of therapy as a realistic or viable option for help and mental health isn't seen as something to focus on, improve, or get professional help for, so people who really need the help are often made to feel “wrong” for seeking help outside of their family or the church. Frequently, individuals are told to pray more, and things will get better. Additionally, blacks hold beliefs related to psychological openness, and help-seeking, which in turn affects their coping behaviors. 

Answer: Family support is crucial and having a spiritual life is also important, but there is a sense of relief one gets when talking to someone who is unbiased and who can just listen without offering their advice. So, it’s important to begin to challenge the status quo. Get the help you deserve.

Access to Black and culturally sensitive therapists

Numerous people in the Black community state that they would prefer having a Black therapist. They want someone who understands the cultural nuances and recognizes the nonverbal cues that only a Black therapist can understand.

Answer: Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) therapists are growing in numbers. Also, there are more therapists being required to learn about and exhibit cultural sensitivity with their clients. Additionally, the message for Black people can be supported by these therapists to remind Black clients that therapy is about putting yourself first. So, someone who has been through trauma, has shame, struggles with depression or anxiety, and work issues should know that it is important and worth discussing these with someone who wants to help them. Also, Mental health therapy is one of the best self-care activities a person can do for themselves and BIPOC clinicians can help their clients with that.

High Costs of Mental Health

Mental health therapy can be costly. In some cases, private insurance companies will cover most of the cost of a visit, but a co-pay is still due at the time of service to the therapist. If a person doesn’t have insurance, they would have to pay out-of-pocket for sessions. Out-of-pocket sessions are not an option for many people, therefore the discussion of the affordability of therapy services continues to be an important topic.

Answer: There are numerous affordable options available to clients who are seeking help who may not have enough financial resources. These include Medicare, Sliding Scale Fees at Private Practice companies based upon the clients income, Non-Profit organizations, and Community Health Centers. Many clients were unaware of these sources and have come to believe mental health was unthinkable. Clients often experience some relief, personal growth, and begin to use the tools to manage their problems within a short period of beginning.

Supporting mental health in the Black community and decreasing the stigma about mental health services and making mental health more accessible is a wonderful place to start.

What can we do?

Additionally, creating resources, having healthier conversation about Black Mental Health and teaching, and encouraging Black people to learn it is appropriate to ask for help. Ideas include the following:

• Black people should consider sharing and being more open about mental health challenges to normalize them for others in the community.

• Follow Black therapists on social media who are talking about a variety of mental health challenges impacting the Black community and provide resources to support black mental health.

• Talk to trusted friends and family about their positive experiences in therapy.

• Understand that therapists are bound to confidentiality, which means the things that are discussed with their therapist will remain between the two of them, unless there are significant safety concerns.

• Remember that prioritizing one’s own needs and self-care is not considered being selfish, it is actually healthy. Talking to someone who is safe, exercising, healthy eating, positive behaviors and social activities are essential for managing stress, especially for individuals who are used to being told that their own emotional and health needs are not important.

The future of Black Mental Health is certainly more promising as we discuss the issues and have identified several solutions. Making Black Mental Health a priority through accessibility, changing the stigma, and awareness within the Black community of how mental health services can be life giving, is a step in the right direction. Now that, is worthy of a celebration during Black History Month!

Written by Tosha Owens, APCC

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I have a passion for singing with people and helping them find a sense of hope in their most vulnerable moments. I believe that everyone has a right to be heard and validated. I use a client-centered, collaborative approach allowing the person the opportunity to discover the barriers that keep them from living their best life. In addition, I serve as a guide for the client to reach their own personal goals.

I enjoy working with people of all ages, including children, teens, and adults. My therapeutic space is always compassionate and non-judgmental to allow a safe and comfortable place to navigate and explore what is needed.

I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT).