Save a relationship by using these ‘Fair Fighting Rules’.
As you are probably well aware, the last few years have been difficult due to so many occurrences happening in the world. Political issues, COVID-19, so many different losses in everyone’s life, not to mention all the different viewpoints related to all these topics. I hear and see so many families and friends being divided due to having opposing stances on the different topics including, politics, vaccination or not, etc.
Knowing that each one of us is going through a difficult time hopefully gives us pause, and allows us to consider some of the tools to be able to listen to one another and use some ‘fair fighting rules’ so we can continue communicating and having a relationship instead of ‘breaking up’.
Ask yourself why are you upset? Are you upset because someone didn’t fold their laundry, or left the ketchup on the counter? Or do you feel that the household chores are not divided equally and this is just another proof?It’s good to figure out your own feelings first before starting an argument and at the same time staying on 1 topic. If we are angry about not getting the help we want with household chores, we are not arguing about “too much videogame time” in this moment; that might be a topic for another conversation.
No reason to yell or make it personal by using degrading language. Let’s stay focused on the issue we are upset about, not making the other person feel bad.
Using “I” statements. You’ve probably heard people say this before, and it really works. Blaming the other person will most likely result in a defensive answer from the instead of a solution that works for both of you. Saying “I feel hurt/upset/sad/worried/….when …. and I would like…..” we are not blaming our partner, instead taking responsibility for our own feelings.
If we take the previous example and compare: “You always leave the ketchup on the counter and never clean up after yourself” Vs. “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when I see the ketchup on the counter after you used it. I would like/appreciate it if you put it away after using it so we can spend some more time together instead of me having to clean up”. You will most likely get more help with the second sentence than the first.
Reflective listening. Making sure we understand what the other person is saying instead of assuming what we think they said. So instead of responding immediately, restate what they said in your own words and make sure the other person agrees before sharing your side. People will feel more understood, even if you disagree.
Following these tips is not always easy and arguments can become heated. Know when to take a time-out. Let the other person know that you need some time to calm down, or if the other person asks, respect their request. Do something relaxing to calm down and set a time when you are able to have a conversation to come to a mutual agreement about the topic. Remember even ‘agree to disagree’ can be an agreement. Don’t leave the topic unaddressed, because that might start another argument.
I hope these tips are helpful and will strengthen your relationships with family and friends instead of creating more divide between us. We are all going through some difficulties, it would be great if we could be supportive for each other. If you need some help or practice on how to implement these ‘fair fighting rules’, or you are struggling with relationships, parenting issues, or grief, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Central Counseling Services and we will support and guide you along your journey.
ILSE AERTS, LMFT, LPCC
Are you sad, worried, stressed or anxious? Have you experienced trauma? Are you overwhelmed as a partner, parent or caregiver? Don’t keep trying to do it alone. We’ll explore where grief and loss, parenting, or the challenges life has thrown you might be showing up in how you’re feeling.
Maybe you’ve moved from a different state or country and are trying to cope with the Southern California way of life. Yes, we have In-N-Out, but we also have the 91 freeway and a busy pace nobody warned you about. I understand that adjustment, and how hard it can be to adapt to new expectations and getting comfortable with a different language because I’ve done it myself. I can offer you guidance and support, and together we can rediscover your inner strength working through those challenges.
Let’s look at where and what you want to change, and fix it in a way that works for you. I utilize techniques from evidence based theories including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), solution focused interventions, person centered strategies, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)that are tailored to your specific needs. Your treatment is a team effort, and you decide where you want to go and what success will look and feel like. My job is to help you get there.
I earned my Master degree in Clinical Psychology from Vrije Universiteit Brussel. Yes, that’s in Belgium where there is no IN-N-Out or 91 freeway. I’m a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. That allows me to provide extra resources and educational opportunities to give you the best care you deserve.
I welcome clients from all cultural backgrounds, family structure, beliefs and ages, and work with most issues. My colleagues and clients call me the “resource Queen.” That means if even one client needs a resource or a new approach, I will find it and we will use it. My commitment is always to provide my clients with the best care and most current resources.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life, let’s make it:
great
worthwhile
count
awesome
wonderful
....... it’s up to you!
