Five tips on how to deal with toxic family members during the holidays
Families members are the people who can find the buttons we have and push them as though they were on an elevator. A perfect time for family members to do that are on holidays when everyone is stressed, anxious and exhausted. Toxic family members are known for ruining perfectly good holiday moments as a sort of sport.
One of the most upsetting aspects of being around a toxic family can often be that you feel like you have no control.
Let’s set the scene; you go to grandma’s house and there is aunt Rachel in all her glory ready to start commenting on everyone’s biggest insecurities; you aren’t in your own home so that makes you more vulnerable to begin with; you look on your Facebook and you see everyone else’s families are enjoying themselves so you think to yourself “well, I guess seeing aunt Rachel can’t be THAT bad.” What comes next is right, aunt Rachel isn’t THAT bad, she’s worse and all you are left thinking is “how do I get out of here with some dignity intact?” The truth is you will never be able to control other people but with these tips you can control how you respond to those tricky family situations.
Be aware of your triggers - What this means is if you know aunt Rachel is going to comment on your haircut, don’t open yourself up to that. If she starts asking about your hair, excuse yourself, or change the subject entirely. If she manages to sneak in a passive-aggressive comment, give the least amount of emotional attention to it because the reaction is what toxic people thrive on most of all.
Do your own self-care - What this means is to make sure you are keeping your mental health intact the best way possible by keeping stress down. Go to your yoga class, or going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people who care about you, so when aunt Rachel is at it again, you can text your best friend your favorite explicit emoji and she “gets” it.
Set reasonable expectations - This means understanding how your family is and accepting it. You don’t have to like it but you do need to accept it and understanding that they won’t change. Stop setting the bar so high; because these toxic people can’t meet it. If there is any real change with your family members, it is better to be pleasantly surprised, than having to be stressed with your toxic family members. Just focus on surviving the event, and consider anything else positive that happens a bonus. Think of this as looking at the big picture; aunt Rachel is just behaving as she always has.
Keep your boundaries - Ask yourself if you even really need to be there in the first place. Have you hit the point where you cannot handle being around your family without having severe panic attacks or a colossal guilt trip? Then better to skip the event, stay home or better yet, go spend the holiday with your favorite people. Skipping the event altogether is way better than you being upset the entire time you are there. Having that sick feeling in your stomach or feeling beat-up emotionally is simply not worth it. Sometimes it is healthier to let yourself have your own space from those family members. Thinking about attending only when the toxic behaviors changes, never lower the boundaries and your expense.
Keep conversations light - Everyone has triggering conversations and one way to avoid this is to keep conversations light; movies, weather, do not talk about politics, religion, money or about other people that are not present. These topics have a lot of emotions tied to them and it is easy to get caught up and then feel badly after the conversation.
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