Marriages Like Fine Wines Take Time

Relationships are like fine wines; the taste and consistency will not happen overnight.  However, the steadiness, texture, and palatable is borne out of care, understanding, patience, and desire.  In my couples, therapy work…I find the “crystal ball” effect being quite prevalent, in fact, it’s so prevalent that when mentioned individuals appear bewildered.  Partners expect the other to know what is on their mind…often the other partner is without a clue as to the thought or the problem.  You might hear something like remember “I told you there is a problem,” or “I expected for you to fix this.”  If you noticed, the content of the problem failed to come forth, leaving the accused wondering “what problem.”  However, these are signs indicating that there is a problem. 

When that sign shows up in your relationship, not allowing it to become larger than necessary by bringing it to your partners’ attention is a must. Ways of doing that include addressing the concern by using “I” statements or “when you say _________ it makes me feel,” forgoing accusations (AKA garbage dumping) as well as the poor me syndrome…” look at what you are doing to me?”  Is often heard between couples.

 Instead the traits, of respect, caring, trust, and understanding giving the partner an opportunity to reveal or vent their frustrations with just a listening ear. To Prevent the “garbage dumping” or “backpack syndrome”, which means not piling every little frustration or problem that you ever had during the last six months. Back on your partner just because you can only further push the two of you apart.

Another gray area is a failure to remain individuals within a coupled relationship. At first, when people get together all their time is spent together, you may give up friends or even family to be with your partner. However, there will be grumbles, smugness, and anger when that time arrives (as it surely will), that the partners’ feel stifled and soon the blame game and pointing fingers start.  It is essential for couples to have social time with others, without having their spouse become jealous, mean, for angry. Maybe it’s a girls’ night out or poker with the guys or a round of golf.  Having space and time to mingle with friends and family is important.

When one partner is blaming or dominates the behavior of the other partner to the point of frustration, and pushes the comfort zone out of reach. The relationship will suffer and the close intimacy that you once had will disappear.  I iterate to my couples when this negative behavior pops up counseling room that it’s only a destructive force pushing the couple apart. The safety the couple is seeking is gone.  I ultimately bring to their attention that each party is an adult with their own decision-making abilities and privileges’.  The blaming party restating their concerns over and over again is unproductive and unhelpful.  Let us remember that you can only discover and repair your individual problems.  Then again, why take on the added stress of directing an adult, finding solutions to their problems, and worst implement your decisions into your partners’ life.  As a partner your job to support your partner and support them in their desires and dreams.  Not to become them or dictate behavior.

Becoming a couple is not taking over their life, or their decisions.  We should not want a puppet as a partner. In the end, the relationship will yield ripe fruits for creating the savory of wines (and in your case a pleasant positive relationship).

My counseling platform, based on the belief that there are healthy options in addressing relationship woes, and contends, the gravest is a breakdown in communication.  However, the breakdown it must be discovered and both parties must be willing to work on themselves with patience and non-judgement.  I like to offer couples hands on techniques that create healthy communication, respect, compassion, and empathy.  Thus, removing all backpacks from the couple and practice being honest active listening, and respect for another’s opinion.

A great website to visit where you will discover others tools for couples can be found at http://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-blog/. (Couples Institute, Ellyn Bader, 2010) If you want to speak in person or hear more about my couples' workshops you can contact me at (951) 778-0230 or email @ therapyccs@gmail.com.

The Real March Madness

As we all may know, March is known for St. Patrick’s Day, wearing green, the coming of Spring, and college basketball otherwise known as March Madness.

Although filling out your impeccable bracket is madness enough, there is even more madness that arises after March.

April is Alcohol awareness month. In 1987, the month of April was given this title to reduce the stigma of alcoholism and to bring the issue to the public’s eye. The truth is, “…about 18 million adult Americans have an alcohol use disorder. This means that their drinking causes distress and harm. It includes alcoholism and alcohol abuse” (National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 2017).

According to The Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (2017), nationally in 2012, 18%.3 percent of people were binge drinkers. A binge drinker is someone who consumes four-five drinks or more on one or more occasions according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control, 2017). Binge drinking is one-step that can lead a person into alcohol abuse.

How do you know if you or a loved one is at risk or on the verge of alcoholism? Some people may go for years of no one knowing or recognizing the signs of alcohol abuse or alcoholism. Untreated alcohol abuse or alcoholism can lead to severe damage of the body. Here are some significant signs of alcohol dependence:

·       Consuming large amounts of alcohol (4-5 drinks per regular occasion)

·       Beginning each day with a drink

·       Cravings

·       Blackouts

·       Dizziness

·       Aggressiveness

·       Agitation

·       Compulsive behavior

·       Vomiting

·       Delirium

·       Slurred speech

As stated before, people can hide their alcohol abuse. In order to know if someone has an alcohol problem, look for these signs. Usually a family member or friend who is close to the person will be able to try to spot the signs.

If these signs are found, one should not make the loved one feel ashamed or discouraged. The first step in helping someone with alcoholism is to let the person know that there is someone who can help. Let them know that you want to give them the help they need. Bring up the signs to their attention and suggest where to go for help. Going with them to get help shows that you are there for their benefit and support. Let them know that you care and explain to them why you want to help them and try to understand that there is a reason they feel the need to over consume alcohol.

Alcohol abuse can break families a part and can make a person do actions that he or she may not even realize they are doing. Recognizing alcoholism and making sure that a loved one gets the proper care needed can help not only the person with the alcohol disorder, but can also bring the family back together and can make each other stronger.

Here are some helpful sites for more information and steps to help anyone you know who might be alcohol dependent:

https://medlineplus.gov/alcoholismandalcoholabuse.html

https://www.ncadd.org/about-ncadd/events-awards/alcohol-awareness-month  

http://www.narconon.org/drug-abuse/signs-symptoms-alcohol-use.html

https://www.cdc.gov/

There is LOVE in the air.

I am in Love....

….. With the weather in Southern California.  I know it sounds silly, but believe me, coming from a gray country in Europe changes the perspective a little.

In my country of origin, it sometimes stayed dark for several weeks in a row.  When it started raining or being cold, you knew when it began but never when it would end.  The great thing about Southern California, it starts raining - IF it starts raining in the first place - and usually the next day (or maybe a few days) the sun comes out again. What’s not to love about that.  I met several people in Southern California that told me they really like rain, but I wonder if they ever experienced gray and gloom for weeks on end and if they still would like that.

Maybe you experienced the same as so many others have, that gloomy, gray and dark weather make you want to hide and crawl back in bed.  Imagine if this weather sticks around for several weeks, it can totally alter your mood.  Some studies suggest that rainy weather has an effect on our attention and alertness. In several countries, they are using ‘light therapy’ so people’s mood can improve again. I wouldn’t recommend starting this therapy by yourself, always consult your doctor or mental health provider.

I assume the title made you think my blog would be about relationships since it’s the month of February, but weather can have a big influence on ourselves and relationships.  

There is some science that indicates that colder weather wants us to cuddle more.  

All those inside activities can make you feel more lonely and have people desire a more serious relationship.  There is even a name for it: "cuffing season." Valentine’s Day adds some extra pressure for many singles with all the marketing and sales.  There are several ideas singles can do to get through this gray period.  One of the good solutions to get rid of the blues is exercise. Another one is to surround yourself with people you care about and do something fun or celebrate yourself; you deserve it.

If you are having a difficult time in this season due to feeling lonely/blue during Valentine’s Day, check out our therapy for adults then think about Southern California’s great weather.  After a (few) day(s) of gray/rainy weather, the sun will come out tomorrow….. If you would like some guidance in finding these sun rays - sparks of hope, don’t hesitate to contact me or one of our other clinicians at Central Counseling Services.   We are available six days a week at (951) 778-0230 if you need any assistance or guidance.

Celebrating Your Holidays Away From Home

No, I am not talking about celebrating when you are going on a short trip during the Holidays.  I’m reaching out to those of us who were obligated or forced to move out of your home environment- or even when those of us who made a personal choice to move out of our home country or state.

Choosing to move to Southern California 15 years ago still, stirs up a variety of emotions during the Holidays for me.  Even though it was very exciting to move from a cold, wet, dark country to sunny California, it was so strange and foreign (pun intended) to hear Christmas songs and seeing decorated trees in 80-degree weather.  My first Christmas in Southern California was celebrated with friends at an outside barbecue gathering, which was total opposite from an inside dinner with close relatives around a fire in the fireplace. It was such a big shift, even when it was my choice to relocate.  It is probably even more difficult when you must leave or have been forced to flee from your home country and leave (some of) your loved ones or friends behind.  There are undoubtedly some feelings of grief and loss feelings, or anger, or even anxiety when you see other people enjoying holiday traditions with their relatives.

Is it all negative? Absolutely not. There will be new traditions and celebrations with new colleagues at work.  But what if you are just stuck at home?  Adjusting to the new ‘home’ will go easier when you start reaching out to others.  Attend some local festivities or when invite to parties bring some of your own traditions to celebrate Holidays in a new way with friends.  New customs doesn’t mean that you have to change your values, you can incorporate them into new traditions.

The process of adjusting takes time. I am still adjusting to Holiday songs with the 80-degree weather but am also grateful to celebrate with new friends during our outside gatherings. HIf this hits home with you or touches on your holiday experiences, we are available to help. You can reach me or our other clinicians at Central Counseling Services. We are available six days a week at (951) 778-0230 if you need any assistance or guidance during this time of year. Happy Holidays!

Ilse Aerts, M.S., LMFT#96211

It’s Been A Year Since the San Bernardino Regional Center Attack

December 2nd, 2015 was a day like no other in the history of our Inland Empire. Thanksgiving was just past. The holidays were approaching. Schools were going to be out soon for local kids and college students. Holiday parties at work and on weekends were starting to move into our calendars and planning. We’d had rain, and the mountains were topped with snow, surrounding our communities.

And then. Shots fired. News channels exploded. Social media filled with scary images that seemed like they must be from some other place. Not from here. Not in San Bernardino. Not the Inland Regional Center, where kids with special needs go for services with their families.  

The day got longer. Images of employees being evacuated. Families are searching for information. Realizations that people who were shot or killed were friends or friends of friends. A car chase. More shooting. A city shut down. Schools locked down. Hospitals locked down. Law enforcement is converging from seemingly everywhere.  CNN and others are speculating about terrorism. Was there more coming?

It seemed to go on forever for those close by, and those who were worrying and unable to get information about loved ones. Those who were not targeted witnessed things they can’t ever forget. They heard it. They locked down and waited for SWAT to arrive and get them to safety. Those with no connections shared the trauma. This was happening in our Inland Empire. The place the coastal communities seemed to disdain and that locals defend even when they may not want to. But now we were all watching a mass shooting in our midst. Our schools were locked down. Our community was on the news.

We had weeks and months of images, funerals, memorials. We were “San Bernardino Strong” and “IE Strong.” The Regional Center was shrouded in fencing and tarps. Just as things started to settle a bit, there was another release of information, graphic pictures of what occurred, police reports with far too many details.

And here we are now. One year later. The survivors are facing moments of silence on Friday. Families are facing the first year finally being over. Those who were on the grounds are trying to feel normal again, and hearing that this did not happen to them and they should be okay and go on with their lives now. Is that realistic?

From my perspective, as a therapist and a grief specialist, I am not sure what normal would even feel like for those directly impacted by the events that day: those who were in that building facing the shooters; those who watched from the windows above and who were unsure if there were more attacks coming> The first responders who charged in and had to look for attackers before turning to saving lives; the families who waited for hours to be sure their loved ones were safe- or not. The secondary victims: kids who lost a beloved teacher; college classmates who lost a friend or roommate; colleagues near and far of those killed or in the same department in the surrounding areas. Families who have kids who are seen at the IRC and have to face their fears as they approach the grounds now; and of course, families whose loved ones were murdered in that room and building. Our community was traumatized seeing the day unfold, and realizing we really are not safe from terrorism, and that terrorists may have gone to high school with us. Normal? It’s different now. It always will be. Our collective trauma and grief have changed us as a community.

So how do we mark this one year mark? How do we say the right thing, or not do too much or too little? Here are my thoughts:

·       Grief is an individual process- what impacts one of us may not impact others. Let’s remember nobody is right or wrong in how they mark this day (or don’t).

·       Trauma in our past absolutely impacts how we cope with new trauma. Those who have previously survived loss and trauma will struggle more with this than those who have not. This will trigger deeper feelings attached to the old traumas and losses. Allow for that, and give them the space they need.

·       Everyone marks anniversaries differently.

·       Drawing on what worked in past losses is a great way to cope with moments like this Friday.

This is a day none of us ever thought would happen here. Let’s support those hurting, and understand that those who need support may not ask for it. Let’s be especially sensitive and listen to people who need us.

If you need help or know someone who does, please reach out to us at Central Counseling Services. We can be reached at (951) 778-0230, or centralcounselingservices.com

Thanksgiving When You Don’t Feel Thankful

•  

That’s quite a title, isn’t it? If you are reading this you may be simply curious about a therapist writing a blog about not feeling thankful… or maybe this is a year you are not ready to see the holidays arrive. If that’s you, this one’s for you.

The holidays are a great way to reconnect with family, to have a "Friendsgiving" with those who aren’t family but probably should have been, to share old traditions, welcome new folks, watch a game (and argue about the game), argue more about politics (Okay, probably not this year), and to be with

"your people",

whoever they may be. It’s a time that is supposed to smell like baking and food and cinnamon. The leaves are supposed to turn (except here in California we have to travel to see that sight), and sweaters should appear as we sit by a fire.

 

Except for some people, it’s none of that. Those are my people. As a grief counselor, I spend this time of year with clients missing loved ones, some with losses only weeks ago. New clients find me online after searching for bereavement and loss therapists. They bring in children trying to make sense of what death means. Teens come in trying to figure out how to go to church next month when they are no longer sure God exists or, if he or she does, then why they should pray to someone who took their mom or dad or best friend. Others come in who created a family with their furry family members, and a special one who meant everything to them has now crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

For my people, the grievers, the survivors, the ones still in shock about what just happened, the holidays are not all fireplaces and fuzzy socks and pumpkin pies. They are a collective sense of:

•       Panic- crowds are too much for them
•      Sadness- they miss someone so much that “celebrating” is unfathomable
•      Anger- their loved one died, and everyone else at the table has their person with them. Or someone at that table has told them to get past it, to be happy their loved one is not longer in pain, or that they should celebrate that they are healed now. Or, even harder, someone at the table did not show up before their loved one died.
• Exhaustion- they just have no energy for events or memories or cooking. Or even smiling.
•   Fear- what happens if they need to cry? Or leave?
• Stress- death can be expensive. They may not be able to afford the stuff that makes the holidays.

Grieving people are frequently encouraged to attend the events and to be strong or to smile and celebrate the memories. It’s easy to say and expect that. It’s not realistic for many. So here are my rules for the holidays when you wish they would just go away this year.

1.     You do not have to host

2.     You do not have to attend

3.     You may take your own car if you do attend that way you can leave if you feel overwhelmed.

4.     You owe no apologies for not attending or for leaving

5.     You need to rest more

6.     You need to take your vitamins, drink fluids (not too much alcohol please), and take care of yourself

7.     Shopping can wait, or be done online. You’re probably not sleeping, so shop at 2am.

8.     Church/temple/meetings/mass is not required

9.     Socializing at #8 venues is not required of you do attend

10.  Take time out to remember your loved one, and talk about them. They are still part of your holidays- and they always will be.

11.  You have permission to not follow traditions, or to change them.

You can’t avoid the holidays- the grocery store, post office, bank, TV, and coffee shop have seen to that. But you get to choose how much and if you participate.

I am here to help if you need some extra support . Call me at Central Counseling Services, (951) 778-0230, or find us at centralcounselingservices.com

Grief Doesn’t Come in Stages

I was recently asked by a researcher about how to help people who are still in deep grief a year or even ten years after a loss. I have to admit I was a bit taken aback.  As a therapist, and especially a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, I find the concept of bereavement lasting more than eighteen months at the outside a bit hard to fathom.  As we talked more, she described what she saw as “grief” or “bereavement.” That’s when I had my “ah-hah” moment. We weren’t speaking the same language. In therapist-speak, I reframed her thoughts and tried again.

First, she was asking about how to reach acceptance in the five stages of grief. The five stages of grief from Kubler-Ross are marvelous for those who are dying. She created that model for anticipatory grief, not for those left behind. It works well to help dying patients prepare for their goodbyes and death because it facilitates discussions that need to happen. Dying people can and do need to reach the point where they can accept that their illness is terminal and that they need to say what needs to be said before they are gone. I have used that model as a hospice social worker more times than I can count, and it truly does frame the needs of the dying person for the family.

 That being said, I never ever use "acceptance" in my work with grieving people. I work toward recovery, completing unfinished business, and integration of the loved one in a new life. The sense of loss never really ends, but it doesn't have to hurt so much when the regrets are resolved. The intensity diminishes. My model for grief is a "U" with all the emotions of humanity around it, and lines running every which way. I prepare my clients for moments that sneak up and burst onto the scene like a wave you were not expecting. It happens even years later.

That's missing, not grieving. And that's normal. 

Society tends to view grief as a short period of funerals and ceremonies, and then when it's all over the person with the loss is left to figure it out, and face questions like "but it's been a month- aren't you feeling better yet?" People are uncomfortable when the loved one's name comes up, and many times try to avoid it. Every grieving person loses some friends who simply can't be around someone who has had a death.  It’s simply not in their toolkit to cope with death. Eventually, all of us have to, but some will avoid it if at all possible, even at the cost of a friendship. That’s another loss of the bereaved survivor.

At the same time, society has beliefs about how grieving people "should" act. Widows and widowers are “supposed” to be sedated, sad, and alone for at least a year. They are told not to change anything for a year. I have never found out who the "they" is who made up those rules. I encourage my clients to break them. Parents who lose children are expected to have another child to replace the lost one or be grateful that they have other kids to not feel their loss as much. Even a pet's death means we are supposed to run out and adopt a new furbaby. Those beliefs truly get in the way of a person grieving the way they need to. It's their loss. They get to choose. Unfortunately, friends and family have gotten the memo from "they" and do not want rules broken. It makes it more difficult than it has to be for the primary griever.  So.....Go Break Some Rules

If you need more help with grief and loss I have created an online year-long grief program; called Your Path Through Grief. You can find more information on this program at http://www.yourpaththroughgrief.com/

 

Mindfulness For All

It is part of mindfulness practice to realize that suffering comes from believing that things should be other than they are in the given moment. If you are suffering in the present moment—oppression, discrimination, hunger, joblessness, etc— this may seem like a cruel statement, but it's actually not. It's solid advice, allowing you to take action and stay safe.

 Bias and violence toward LGBQIA and transgender people are very real, and if that's the moment you're living in, then you're probably thinking, "Are you serious, Lynn!? Am I just supposed to accept people treating me this way??" No. Not even a little.

 The key to the teaching is "thinking that things should be other than they are." That means that you jump to the past or the future, or resist what is happening in the moment by getting caught up in thinking, "this shouldn't be." But it IS, and you've just wasted precious seconds and energy fighting an impossible argument. It IS happening. Say you are being shouted at in in a store when you're out shopping. Some idiot has taken it upon him or herself to judge you loudly in public. Do you wish that it wasn't happening? Well, yes! But to be caught in the "this shouldn't happen" mindset in that moment is useless and a waste of energy. It can make you freeze. It can lock you in shame and embarrassment, caught there under the glaring florescent lights.

So what is the answer? Acknowlege what is happening, and decide what to DO in that moment. Can you safely walk away? Walk away. Do you need help? Look around for a friendly face and ask for help. Are you in danger? Scream for help, run, get to a cashier or security guard. In short, don't get trapped in resisting reality; deal with it in the best possible way at the given moment. We Buddhists tend to avoid terms like good or bad, preferring skillful and unskillful as more accurate and non-judgmental. When you are safe and quiet, practice in your mind what skillful means you can use when such intimidating situations arise. It's the same sort of preparation thinking athletes use before an event.

**If you are a cis (non transgender) person reading this and you see this kind of situation happening to anyone—trans or LGBQIA person, child, woman, or anyone else in need— BE AN ALLY! Don't let yourself be just another statistic in the "bystander effect". Yes, that's a thing; when capable people just stand there or look away when they should be helping someone. If it's not safe to step in, call 911. NOW! Then turn on your camera and let the aggressor know they're being caught in the act. Or do so secretly and share it with the police. **

I just gave an extreme example of suffering in the moment. But the same wisdom applies to negative emotions, like loneliness. Thinking "I shouldn't be lonely" doesn't help. Acknowledging the emotion of loneliness is skillful means. You are accepting reality: I am lonely. The next question is "What can I do to alleviate this suffering?" Perhaps call a friend and share the feeling with them? Talk to an ally? Find a support group? Get out into nature? Find what works for you.

If you are a trans person looking for a support group, we have two Monday night therapy/support groups from 6:30-8:00 pm. The first and third Monday of each month is "Ladies/girls only" for trans women and girls. The second and fourth Monday is for everyone on the spectrum. For more information, comment here and/or call Central Counseling Services at 951-778-0230.

What Do You Do When Mom is No Longer Here?

Mother’s Day When You’ve Lost Your Mom

As I was meeting with clients throughout the last week there’s been a consistent theme- motherless kids missing mom, and facing the Hallmark extravaganza of the year: Mother’s Day. Walk into the grocery store and there are more flowers than the Valentine’s Day array. Social media? A nightmare. Pinterest? Don’t even think about it. Stop for a meal somewhere? Mother’s Day specials everywhere. Even the casino where we went to play Bingo yesterday had “Mother’s Day Bingo.” What?

It doesn’t matter if you lost your mom last week or a decade ago, this week you will be reminded at least every hour of every day that she’s gone. What do you do with a day created to make mom feel special when she’s not here?

If you’ve recently lost your mom, this will be a new experience. You may be casting about for how to handle it, or fielding calls from people wanting to include you so you won’t be alone. There’s a rule for this: You can decide how you want to spend this Sunday, and if you want to do something to remember your mom or simply take a time out until next year. Folks with recent losses typically don’t do all that well in a large group or with big expectations heaped on them to respond to a certain event or moment. They need and “out,” so they can get away if it feels too overwhelming. If you are that person, and you decide to go to an event, you may want to drive yourself or have a friend take you with the understanding that if you give the signal you will both exit, as quickly and graciously as possible so you don’t feel obvious. The first motherless Mother’s Day is your call- you get to decide what you want to do.

If this is not your first day without mom it can still rekindle the loss with all the focus on the day. If you need to find a card for a daughter who’s now a mom or for a mother-in-law you have to get past all the cards you can’t send your own mom. You may be facing all the joy of the day with grandkids or other family who are celebrating with their moms and find yourself wishing your mom was there to see all of it. If you attend church there may be a moment where flowers are given to moms. Or white flowers to those who lost their mom. The gestures are touching, and loving, and meant to be kind, but they can still sting, can’t they?

So what do we do, those who are missing a mom or a special mom-type who is no longer here to be celebrated for their role in your life?

©     We celebrate them

©     For who they were

©     For what they did for you

©     For how they helped make you who you are today

©     For the love you still carry with you, across the years

©     We remember them

©     We talk about them- not so much that it overshadows those who are celebrating with their moms, but enough to mark their place in the day for you

In my house there will be a celebration for my mom, whom I am lucky enough to still have with me. There will also be a trip to the cemetery for her mom, my late spouses, and my children’s birth mom. The kids probably won’t go, and that’s okay- they don’t feel a need to do so. I will take flowers for them, and they know it. I will also take a time out to remember my late mothers in law, and an aunt who was like a second mom to me. And then I will celebrate the day with my daughters, one of whom is now a mom herself. There will be room for everyone’s emotions, and an out for anyone who needs it. There shouldn’t be huge stress over a day that was created to honor moms. We have enough stress in our lives, don’t we?

So here’s to Mother’s Day, spent in a way that makes it okay for you, reduces your stress level, and allows you to remember your mom in a way you feel you can manage. Maybe it’s an In’ N Out day? A day at the beach? A trip to the mountains? Favorite childhood menu items at home (because who needs crowds of people forcing their children into dress clothes and fancy restaurants on the busiest day of the year?) Who says peanut butter and jelly or fried bologna sandwiches can’t be fun again? (I didn’t say healthy!)

Happy Remembering Mom Day. I am glad you had her in your life. 

Everyday Meditation

For many people, the idea of meditation summons up images of robed nuns and monks sitting silently in exotic temples, far from the hectic activity of the daily world. But in reality, it is a practice accessible to anyone, anywhere. You don’t need to go to an expensive retreat or find a guru. Any quiet place will do, perhaps in your own living room or a favorite place in nature. Research being done at major universities, including UCLA, shows that meditation can help “rewire” the brain,  help a person be more focused, and strengthen resistance to stress

Famous Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced: tik nat han) wrote: “Sitting meditation is like returning home to give full attention to and care for our self . . . Sitting meditation is very healing. We realize we can just be with whatever is within us—our pain, anger, and irritation, or our joy, love, and peace. We are with whatever is there without being carried away by it. Let it come, let it stay, then let it go. No need to push, to oppress, or to pretend our thoughts are not there. Observe the thoughts and images of our mind with an accepting and loving eye. We are free to be still and calm despite the storms that might arise in us.”

The simplest form of meditation is to follow your breath. It is recommended to sit cross-legged on a firm cushion on the floor, or sit upright in a straight-back chair, not leaning against the back. Imagine there is a string attached to the top of your head, gently pulling upward to align your neck and spine as straight as possible without being uncomfortable. Let your chin drop a little so your neck is straight. You can close your eyes, or lower your eyelids a bit to help ignore distractions. You can focus on a candle flame or a calming object if you wish, but it isn’t required.

Next, breathe slowly and naturally through your nose. Focus on the sound, and on the feeling of air moving in and out of your nostrils. Now imagine that your windpipe goes all the way down to your belly, and there’s a balloon at the end of it you are trying to inflate with your gentle breathing. This is called belly breathing and is quite simple and beneficial once you get the hang of it. You can place a hand over your navel and feel if your belly is going in and out with your breath. Most people breathe into their chest, and that can hold tension. Once you master belly breathing, you may breathe like that all the time.

So, there you are, on your cushion, aware of your breath in your nostrils and the rise and fall ofyour belly. Next be aware of any tension in your body; for example, your shoulders. Imagine that you are directing your healing breath to those muscles, letting them grow relaxed and soft. You will probably feel them drop a little. Congratulations, you are meditating! From here you just sit quietly with your breathing—in, out, in out . . .  Distracting thoughts will come, I promise you, and it’s very natural. At this early stage of learning, you can just think, “Hello, thought. Good bye,” let it go, and return your focus to your breathing. There are a number of things you can do to help you focus. The first is to visualize still water or a cloudless sky. Relax your mind and stay with the image. You can also use a brief two-word verbal cue—some people might call it a mantra. For example, you could think “peace” on the in-breath and “love” on the out-breath. I like “Here. Now.”

Emotions may arise, or perhaps you are meditating to deal with a strong emotion or painful situation. I’ll use anger as an example. As you maintain your posture and breathing, you can greet the emotion: “Hello, Anger. I know you’re there,” let it go, and keep breathing. You can also devote a whole session to being with an emotion if you need to. Rather than pushing it away, you allow it to flow through you. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches a method in which you imagine the strong emotion as a baby wrapped in a blanket. You cradle it in your arms and think, “I see you, my Anger. What do you need from me?” Very often this will start a train of insight that helps you process that emotion or come up with a plan to resolve things with the person or situation that made you angry. You can do this with positive emotions, as well.

Learning to meditate is like beginning to exercise; go slow and build up. Be gentle with yourself and don’t judge your progress. Try setting a timer for 10 minutes and see how you do. If it’s too long, shorten the time next time; if it’s not long enough, sit as long as you like! But try to set aside time each day to meditate and build up the habit. There are a number of meditation timers that have soft chimes, rather than a harsh ding or buzz. (I use an inexpensive app on my iPhone called Peace Alarm Clock which I like very much.)

Wishing you peace and insight,

Lynn

Valentine’s Day When Your Valentine Died

It’s almost February 14th. How can you tell? Well, since December 10th every store you’ve entered has had an aisle of red hearts, weird looking cupids, and frogs holding hearts in their hands. I’m not entirely sure when frogs and SpongeBob entered the world of romance, but now they have. V Day is unavoidable in our culture. FB is beginning to explode. Pinterest is out of control. You suddenly can’t buy bakery goods without red sparkles. The message is “Be happy! Love is yours!”

Except the love of your life died recently. Or your mom, or dad, or child. Maybe your child’s kitty. You try to avoid the red heart craziness, and the rip it adds to your heart every time you see it. You’re not going to go out to eat this Sunday, and you may skip church because there will inevitably be mention of the day. Your Valentine’s Day may be a trip to the cemetery, or to a place where you can remember previous days with happiness attached.

You may need a card for someone else in your village, and that requires that you brave the Hallmark aisle. You know that means seeing all those people who still have their Valentine or loved one picking out a card you will never get to buy again. I still have the anniversary card and Valentine’s cards I bought ahead for my parents and my dad. I can’t throw them away- but they will never be used by me.

How do we all get past a “holiday” that’s not a holiday, where the focus is on loving couples, smiling children, even Grumpy Cat not wishing you a happy day? How many times can your heart hurt this week because of the greeting card industry?

As a twice widowed person, I’ve found it’s helpful to plan ahead for “big” days. We never spent much on this particular day, but it was fun to buy a card and remember those we loved simply because we loved them. Now I am mindful of those who will be facing a different reality than the movies portray. I prepare those who are facing this the first time, because it seems so minor until it’s not, and catches you off guard. As a therapist and grief expert I want clients to know they will get through this if they plan, and find their village and their place for the day. So what do we do?

• Journal ahead of time- where do you want to be to feel as okay as possible? Is there a place you can feel at peace even in sadness?
• Envision that day. You wake up- what do you want to do? Mark the day? Avoid it entirely? Avoid the people you know simply can’t not be the Pinterest poster people?
• Inventory your village. Is there someone or are there people you know will not have plans and might enjoy a different kind of day?
• Remember past days and what they meant and involved. Do you want to do some of that to honor those memories, or are they too painful still to touch?
• Make a plan for the day after the day- the day you know you got through it and are still coping. That’s a day you can celebrate.
• Journal the day after. How did you feel your loved one’s memory and how did it help get through it all?
• Remember you have total permission to not engage in anything you aren’t comfortable with then you are grieving. This is your time, your path, your process. My day at the beach may be your day to bake heart cupcakes with kids and to invest your energy there. Grief is personal. Nobody gets a vote but you.

So go be Grumpy Cat, or head to the archery range with a heart target. Make it a day to start a heart healthy routine, or a day to plan how to buy all the leftover chocolate on Monday.  Maybe that will be your Pinterest revenge- repurposed chocolate hearts and red gummy worms. And remember that if you need to talk we are here.

Losing a Furry Family-Member… It Hurts as Much as Any Other Loss

This is Fuzzy. She’s our office pet therapist, and my dog by default. She belonged to both of my spouses before their deaths, and she could not get past the losses she could not understand. So now she’s with me pretty much every waking moment, mostly because she poodle stalks me and will not allow me to go anywhere without her. She has a front carrier I wear when we need to run errands, and a therapy dog tag that opens doors for us. She can’t tolerate being left alone, and if I have to be gone she needs a sitter or she will run away. She’s also fourteen years old, is losing her vision, and falls over if she moves too fast or leans too much. Despite that she’s a bossy little critter who makes cranky kids smile in store lines, comforts my clients on bad days, distracts kids in my office and teaches them how to redirect their behavior, and greets every client who comes in the door with her tail wagging. (Then she gets lost trying to find her way back to me).

Fuzzy has had a long and good life, despite the losses she’s experienced. She’s had four kids who loved her from the age of six weeks, rides on our Spyder in her leather bomber jacket, been camping, learned to bark for whip cream, and now gets to go everywhere we go. She’s also a handful when I have clients one after another and no potty break times, when she decides she wants one of our lunches more than her own, and now she has to be reminded to drink hourly (and she has learned to drink from a water bottle!). Will I miss her when she’s gone?

You bet. Look at that face, and those eyes. She’s seen me through children joining us, spouses dying, holidays, celebrations, good days, the worst days. She grieved with us when we had to put our Princess to sleep last spring after fourteen years and a battle with cancer, and she has helped to train new kitties who joined the family. She’s been a part of almost every event in my life from my thirties to my fifties. Think about that- some of the most significant years as we move from early adulthood to thinking about retirement in the distant future. Young kids to grandmotherhood.

We therapists sometimes refer to pet loss as “disenfranchised grief.” Losses that somehow don’t count. Or don’t count as much or enough. Losses that can be minimized easily as something you should be able to get over quickly. Pets dying are frequently seen as a loss you get over by replacing the pet or being glad you no longer have the responsibility for the pet’s needs.

Interesting, huh? A grief so profound we have to make up a name for its impact and the fact that others ignore or minimize it. A grief that’s just as hard as any other. Any loss is experienced at 100%. Your furry family member is a huge loss, and you have a need to work through it. I guarantee when I lose Fuzzy there will be tears, an empty spot in her bed in my car, and a hole in the fabric of our office for me and our clients – and I suspect some of our staff. There won’t be a small critter chasing cats off our bed at night like a mad silent bull, or a wagging tail hopeful for a new dress in the morning to leave for work. It won’t be the same to go to the store without a dog pack, even if it is a pain now. There will be a hole in the early morning as we drink coffee without her barking at us to sit next to us.

Can I make her loss any less by bringing a rescue home? No. Not a bit. After being widowed- twice- I remarried. Did my new spouse become my old one, and replicate what was missing? Are you kidding? They were irreplaceable to me, and still are. I still miss them, even though I am very happy and loved in my new marriage. I love the companionship, but I am married to someone new. A new dog won’t replace Fuzzy. I’ll still miss her and grieve for her. I’ll still talk about her, and her face will pop up on Facebook memories because I take a lot of pictures of her. That ache you feel when you think about a lost person? The same ache applies to other losses, including your furry companions. The same kinds of reminders occur. The same waves of grief.

So how do we un-disenfranchise this grief for our critters? …

The same way we deal with grief for our other loved ones. We talk about them. We say their names. We don’t dwell on the losses, but we acknowledge the hurt, and we remember the happy moments and the way they enriched our lives. We acknowledge the losses other experience with the loss of a furry friend. I send a card, and sometimes flowers. Why? Because that critter was a member of that family, and someone is crying for those furry ears to pet and paw to hold. And they need to know it matters.

All grief counts. At 100%. Fuzzy will too. 

Handling Strong Emotions When the Unthinkable Happens—To Someone Else

Warning: this post refers to the December 2, 2015 shooting at the Inland Regional Center in San Bernardino, California. It is meant to help people who were not directly involved in those events, but who are nonetheless experiencing emotional distress.

On the morningof December 2, 2015, the unthinkable happened here in the Inland Empire. Two armed people entered the Inland Regional Center, killed 14 people, and wounded over 20 more. I was talking to Sherry in the waiting room when Jill came out of her office and told us the awful news of what was happening just a few miles away. Stunned as I was, I had clients to see and that's what I concentrated on. As long as I was busy with the problems of others, I was fine. Only when I was about to drive home to Redlands and my husband texted me that the FBI was investigating a house on Center Street did I feel any fear. I arrived home safely, of course, watched the news and took phone calls from family and friends. The next morning I drove past Center Street on my way to an early appointment. The street was cordoned off with yellow tape and police cars. According to the morning news, the house on Center had been a "bomb factory." I was suddenly so nauseated that I had to stop and get a soda to settle my stomach. When I got home I curled up on the couch under a blanket, cried, slept for hours, and woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I watched a little news, talked with my family, went to sleep very early and had nightmares. The next day I was functional again. The whole event seemed surreal.

As a therapist I recognized these as normal stress reactions. I was not at the Regional Center, and I don't know any of the dead or wounded. But this happened in my community and it hit me hard.

Each person reacts to terrible things in her or his own way, and everyone has a different threshold for what constitutes a traumatic event. Some will shake their heads and go on with their day, others will go to a vigil, hug their kids, look at the sunset, or have a stiff drink. Others may react as I did, but think, "I wasn't there. Why am I feeling so bad?" or worse yet, "I shouldn't be feeling so bad." But the fact remains that they are feeling bad. In the wake of a public trauma, it's important to be honest with ourselves about how we are doing. Here are some common reactions:

Depression

Anger

Crying

Emotional numbness

Insomnia or sleeping more than usual

Nightmares

Loss of appetite

Being easily startled

Feeling fearful for no reason

Hypervigilance

For most people, these feelings will soon fade on their own and life will go on. Self care practices such as exercise, time spent with family and friends, meditation, prayer, volunteer work, reading, hobbies, and focusing on the here and now can all help. However, if symptoms persist for more than a few weeks and interfere with your daily life, then it's time to see a therapist to discuss your level of anxiety and/or depression. It's ok to need a little extra help, and talking with a therapist can be very reassuring.

In short, even if you are not directly involved in terrible events, you can still be affected by them. It's part of being human. 

Multitasking is a LIE

It's a Lie we tell ourselves...

We have all heard that multitasking is the best way to be highly efficient and it's the way smart people get things done. We are always trying to find a way to get more tasks accomplished within our 24 hours and multitasking seems to be the answer right? Wrong. We all have been sold a bill of goods; really, we have.  The word multitasking was first used in 1960 to described a computer’s ability to perform many tasks seemly all at once; ultimately, multitasking literally means multiple tasks alternately sharing one resource in this case a CPU. Due to a computer’s fast ability to read code it “looks like” it is doing more than one task at a time. However, even the CPU cannot read two lines of code at a time. What the CPU is actually doing is alternately reading and executing the code by switching back and forth between the codes until the tasks are done.

 

Overtime, this lie of multitasking became synonymous with people doing multiple tasks. Now I hear what you are saying “Hey wait a minute humans can multitask; we can walk and talk, or chew gum and walk, or even drive and listen to music all at the same time.” Yes, you are right those small tasks can be done simultaneously. However, not with equal attention and more importantly our attention bounces between the two tasks. If the tasks have greater focus the harder they are to complete together. Think about driving and talking on the phone. This activity is responsible for over 6000 deaths annually and is the number one cause of death in teens even over alcohol use. http://bit.ly/1LOfHPH Additionally,  I see people that come into my office stressed and feeling over whelmed and I will ask about their sleep schedule, their commute time, family time, personal (alone) time and about their working time. They tell me that almost every moment of their day is planned out and yet they still want to do more. They want to be able to add other things to their schedule or they feel they just can’t juggle anything more. They feel depressed, sad, overwhelmed and stressed, with little life satisfaction. They can’t understand why, “if only I could get more organized they say it would all work out.”  I am here to give you the freedom of doing one thing and doing it well.  No more multitasking; now doesn’t that feel good? So why is multitasking so bad for us? According to a 2009 study at Stanford University, multitasks pay a big mental price. The study found that:

• Reduces the amount of information you can remember; decreased overall memory
• Unable to filter out irrelevant information; so tasks actually take longer
• Unable to focus on the goal at hand
• Always thinking about  other things but not able to complete the task
• Inability to concentrate for long periods of time  
• We become less efficient as we lose time by switching between tasks
• The stress hormone cortisol increase in the brain when we multitask
• We actually lose 10 functional IQ points

World expert on divided attention and Neuroscientist, Earl Miller, at MIT states it this way...

                “Our brains are not wired to multitask well.” When people think they’re multitasking, they’re actually just switching from one task to another very rapidly. And every time they do, there’s a cognitive cost in doing so.”

 If you suffer from the “shiny object syndrome” or if you're still not convinced to give up multitasking I challenge you to just try for a day. Work on one project until it’s completion. Put the phone on mute, turn off the email pings and solidly work on the task. See if it takes you less time, you have more focus, if your brain is less fatigued and you may even have more energy and a bigger sense of accomplishment.     

Symptoms of Dementia

Dementia: What is it? Why hasn’t my doctor addressed it?

What’s confusing about dementia is that it’s not actually a disease by itself. Rather, it’s a collection of symptoms such as impairments to memory, communication and thinking.

While the likelihood of having dementia increases with age, it is not a normal part of aging. Before we had today's understanding of specific disorders, "going senile" used to be a common phrase for dementia ("senility"), which misunderstood it as a standard part of getting old. We simply assumed as we aged we would lose our memory and it was normal. Some mild cognitive impairments such as poorer short-term memory can happen as a normal part of aging (we slowly start to lose brain cells as we age beyond our 20’s). This is known as age-related cognitive decline, not dementia, because it does not cause the person or the people around them any problems.

Dementia describes two or more types of symptoms that are severe enough to affect daily activities. The leading cause of dementia is Alzheimer’s disease. Dementia can also be caused by brain damage incurred from an injury or stroke, and from other diseases like Huntington’s, Vascular Dementia, Cruetzfeld-Jacob Disease, Frontotemporal Dementia, Lewy body dementia, Mixed dementia, and Korsakoff Syndrome.

Why is Dementia not addressed by physicians?

First, if you or a loved one are concerned about memory loss, you have to say it. Clearly. Provide some examples to illustrate your concern. Then, be aware of the following:

•  Dementia symptoms can be so subtle initially that your loved one will acclimate to them, as will you.

•  Patients frequently recognize they are having symptoms, and are so scared by them that they won’t tell anyone. The stigma and fear of dementia is so great they won’t tell their doctor- or you.

• Doctors may not know they are seeing dementia. They may not know all the symptoms because you haven’t written them down, and when you arrive it’s so overwhelming that you forget some of what you wanted to say.

• Doctors may see the symptoms separately, and misdiagnose. Depression mimics many of the early stage symptoms. Patients may react badly to being told this is “all in their head.” It really is in their head, but it’s dementia. And some dementias are accompanied by depression because of the impact on the brain. Lewy Body is one of those.

• You may not get the referrals you need because you didn’t know to ask for them. You should have a neurology referral, at a minimum, to a specialist in dementia and cognitive disorders.

• Symptoms can increase and change in an hour or a day or a month. If a patient has already been sent home being told this is normal aging or depression, they are unlikely to want to return to try again and to have to list more symptoms in the hope that they will be heard and listened to. LIST EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM. DEMENTIA AFFECTS THE BRAIN, WHICH REGULATES THE ENTIRE BODY. YOU MAY NOT KNOW YOU ARE SEEING A SYMPTOM.

• Some doctors do not want to tell your loved one they have dementia. Dementia is not treatable like other illness. There are some medications that have a chance to slow it down for a time, but decline is inevitable. Doctors, like the rest of us, don’t like facing that some things are simply hard to accept, and that they can’t fix them. They want to keep patients positive and hoping for the best so they fight the symptoms. It’s done with the best of intentions, but families need to know if they are facing difficulties, and patients need to know this is real.  

We are here to help. If you or a loved one are trying to cope with the onset of dementia and the stress it creates, we have an expert at CCS who can provide support, education, and a safe place to talk. Call us.