Blog

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT 11/3/19 Courtney Whetstone, LMFT 11/3/19

The B Word, How It Can Help Us

Let’s talk about the B word….that’s right Boundaries!

Boundaries are a very important part of dating and yet, they get a bad rap for being a bad thing. First of all, we want to determine why we need boundaries. Let’s take a look at an example of a coloring page. There are lines around the picture so we know where to color and we know not to color outside of the lines; this is concept we learn at a very early age. It is the same for when we decide to be part of a couple. We have all seen the new couple that dress alike seem to fold into a single person. We need to keep in mind where we want our partners to end and us begin. We want to set limits for ourselves as individuals. Being in a couple relationship should make each person better, pushing each to become their very best. Not to lose your own personal identity. If you’re unsure what your personal boundaries are, it’s going to be hard for others to follow them.

In healthy relationships, partners discuss their feelings with one another, show mutual respect, show gratitude and take each other’s feelings into consideration about any topic. Being in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to lose your family, friend or children just to be with that other person.

Boundaries are set to keep us safe. A healthy boundary is being responsible for your own happiness. A healthy boundary is having friendships outside of the relationship. Sometimes, boundaries also shift and change as a relationship progresses, which is okay as long as you both agree to discuss the shift honestly and you both feel good about the changes.

Poor boundaries disconnect you from your partner, and one partner often times may feel there are being manipulated by the other person to get them to do what their partner wants. A partner that is using manipulation may say things like “If you don’t do this then I won’t do that.” Or they may stop talking to you and give you the silent treatment. Other times they may withdraw emotional affection or disengage until they get what they want. It is not healthy to have your partner guessing how you are feeling or demanding that you feel a certain way. An unhealthy boundary is the feeling of being incomplete without your partner. An unhealthy boundary is relying on your partner for happiness. In unhealthy relationships, a couple might feel that their partners must think like them, that they should just adjust because after all “we are the same and that means we must also think alike too.”

How to set healthy boundaries you ask?

Be clear as to what your needs are. If your needs change then speak up. Something may be okay for a week or month but not longer. When you realize what your needs are not being met, be clear when telling your partner. A lot of issues from boundary setting comes from misunderstanding.
Use “I” statements. Using I statements clearly defines how you feel and what behaviors you expected to see in your partner. When appropriate, take responsibility for your part of the misunderstanding. Do not only judge or lay blame on your partner. Most of the time, both partners have some responsibility. It is also your responsibility to help correct the situation and communicate your feelings in a non-defensive way. It’s always good to remember that you do love each other, flaws and all.
Listen to what your partner is trying to tell you and summarize how they feel. For example, if your partner is upset, you didn’t do the dishes and it is your job to do them, it is okay to say you are sorry and you will try better. You might say, “I hear you are upset that the dishes are not done because that makes starting dinner harder for you. I will try harder to get the dishes done before you cook dinner.”
Being polite is always in style and will go a long way in building a better relationship.
Ask for clarification, “Did you mean to sound angry when you asked me to pick-up my shoes?” This allows your partner to clarify the intent behind the words. Sometimes we say something and our partner misses our intent. Always ask and allow your partner to clarify, never assume.
Do not set your partner up by saying or thinking something like “Well, if her really loves me, he would just know.” Even the best partners aren’t mind readers. If you want a specific item or behavior, ask.

If you and your partner are having more than your share of arguments or you feel hurt or misunderstood, it might be time for some professional help. Call me and let’s work together to get your most important relationship back on track.

By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT works with couples and individuals to fix their relationships and remember why they became a couple in the first place.

Courtney works out of our Murrieta office and she has helped many couple restore their loving relationships.

To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.

Judy McGehee, LMFT 10/20/19 Judy McGehee, LMFT 10/20/19

How Do Couples Gain Trust When Trust Has Been Broken? And what do therapists do with such a couple……….?

There first needs to be goodwill, and a willingness to want to gain trust on both sides of the aisle. What is goodwill? Goodwill has been defined as friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitudes towards another. Can you tell if you have goodwill towards your spouse?

It can be defined by these three questions.

1. Do you still care about the welfare of your mate or partner?

2. Do you still care, even if you’re no longer in love with someone?

3. Do you want the best for your mate, even if this relationship is over?

The answers to those questions will help you decide if you have goodwill for your partner and if you can jointly start to repair your relationship. If goodwill is present, honesty and truth will be part of your discussion.

This type of communication between partners where both parties are honest and transparent is absolutely necessary. For example, acknowledging the story that brought them to this place, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your own part in this situation.

Why do some people cheat? Or hide their secret lives? Let’s us count the many ways: grief, excitement, boredom, change of life issues, validation you are still sexy or handsome. There is also often a tiny cracks in the relationship where the partners stop listening and responding to each other in positive and caring ways. That is not to say the person that had the person who had the affair is blameless. In fact, just the opposite, they shoulder that blame alone. But their partner also played some role in creating the rift between them.

Here is a typical scenario: “David (not a real person) wanted another life beyond what he had, so the waitress at the local diner was cute, perky, and always had a smile on her face. It started with a wink, leaving a big tip after his meal, chit-chat about the weather, politics, and, the next thing he knew they were at the local motel until the wee hours of the morning. The waitress’s mother took care of her kids, (a second job), and he told his wife he needed to work late on that big project that he had told her about several days ago. Things progressed for a few weeks, and then the 16-year-old son was taking his driving test, and he turned the corner and there was the waitress and his dad in a big hug outside the motel.

Now the son is perplexed, and he has questions, does he tell his mom? Does he honk their car to say hi? Does he text his girlfriend to ask for support? “So now, not only is the man, David and the woman involved, so is David’s teenage son. This type of family situation is often called Triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a 3rd party, in this case the son, is pulled into a conflict or stressful situation. This type of behavior can easily break up a family, cause mistrust, and having a family secret like this can cause depression and anxiety.

Can this family be saved?

Is their goodwill between the man and his wife? Both parties are able to openly and honesty talk about the why of the affair, the boredom in the relationship, the lack of feeling good about one’s self and the decision that lead to the straying. Then this couple has hope. Many couples can’t handle this frank discussion without becoming overly emotional or angry and they need to enlist the services of a trained therapists. Sometimes we can’t see our part in the conflict especially if that person is not the one who cheated. Therapy can help sort out truthful communication, acknowledge the hurt, shame and guilt.

If there is not the basic relationship of goodwill, lasting change in the therapy room will not happen. The breakdown in the relationship happened even further when the wife says, “that’s it, I’ve suspected your cheating for years! Pack up, get your bags, you’re out of here, NOW!”

LGBTQI population is not immune to cheating or having a secret life.

One partner, “Gale” (not a real person) was middle aged and felt she was no longer “cute, perky, and outgoing”. She was married to her wife for 20 years. She was young, looked up to her, flirty, and willing. They had a fling for a few months and ended it. Gale wanted to tell her wife, she felt guilty and ashamed. One night she told her wife Linda about the “fling.” Linda wanted to hear nothing of it and she had “nothing to understand.” Linda’s way to cope was to “Forget about all this and move on.” Gale on the other hand wanted to go to therapy to understand what had happened to her during their 20 years of marriage. She wanted to understand how this young woman was so easy to have a fling with. Linda wanted to forget, “what was done was done.”

Statistics say in general, more men are more likely to cheat than women. Of those reported cheating behaviors, 21% of men and 13% of women (in a General Social Survey, 2016) reported cheating on their spouse, wife, husband, or engaged friend.

Debbie had a secret life which started in teen years. No one knew, and she kept it well hidden, until her husband went into her closet and found the box of memorabilia. He confronted her, and the cat was out of the bag. Now he feels he can’t trust her.

How to regain trust and create good will between the partners?

First, feelings are natural. Stress reactions like shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are all normal. You might feel as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

Good self-care is a must, and Revenge is not the answer. There must be a prior history of goodwill and the parties must be willing to move past the behaviors and start to rebuild.

Conversation about boundaries must occur and the 3rd person must be ejected from the couple. If that 3rd person makes, contact immediately that must be shared with the partner and together the couple decide how to respond.

The couple must also agree after a while to move on and to stop punishing each other years later. I know a couple once that talked about the affair like it was yesterday, but it was twenty-five years ago. Trust needs to be reestablished slowly and steadily.

The person that had the affair must also make a written apology that includes they understand the feelings, betrayal and trust that was lost when they choose to stray. Honesty and openness must be part of the apology.

Lastly, consider a good family therapist or Couples’ therapist to assist both partners in this fact finding, sharing, and loving adventure to wholeness. Therapists are trained and experienced in helping couples understand betrayal of trust and honesty. Therapists often uncover a past breach of trust that is still lingering in the marriage today. Therapists are also trained to look at other symptoms that can have a negative effect on the marriage.

If you have experienced an affair and need assistance to rebuild your relationship, we are here to help.

By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

Ilse Aerts, LMFT 10/15/19 Ilse Aerts, LMFT 10/15/19

Getting Older

The last few weeks my family has been celebrating different kinds of birthdays. It made me realize how our perspective changes over the years. The younger generation is (mostly) looking forward to celebrating their birthdays with family and friends, getting presents, having cake and ice cream, and maybe even having a party at a special location. On the opposite side of the lifeline, when we are celebrating our parents’ birthdays, we realize they have had countless experiences in their lives, and sometimes we are faced with the reality that they might not even remember many them due to memory problems.

That makes me think of the group I co-facilitate with my colleague Jill Johnson-Young, a dementia support group for family and friends coping with dementia. Every group member can share their journey about taking care of their family member or loved one. I notice when talking to our group members about their different experiences that although there are at least 7 different forms of dementia, often times people have a combination of different forms which makes it a unique experience for everyone. Did you have to re-read that there at least 7 different forms? Most people have heard of Alzheimers, but there is also: Vascular dementia, Lewy Body dementia, Parkinson’s, Frontotemporal, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, and Huntington’s.

For caregivers there are usually some commonalities that we benefit from discussing during group, which might include symptoms of the different forms of dementia (ex. anxiety, loneliness, irritable, forgetfulness, hallucinations). The realization that our loved one is not the same person anymore due to a brain malfunction is a difficult concept and might start a grieving process we did not expect. Studies have proven however that an early grieving process will benefit the caregiver, and will help them cope better after their loved one has passed away. But I am getting ahead of myself.

As a caregiver there are so many things to consider: does our loved one stay at home with us, or do I consider placing them in a memory care facility?How do I choose?How will siblings react? How will siblings support each other (or not)?How can I take care of medical/financial stuff? Have you ever heard of a POLST?(Everyone should get one by the way).How do we respond when our loved one insists in coming home with us?

It’s often helpful to discuss these different questions with people who have experienced this or are on the same road as you are.

Come check out our group, we meet every 3rd Saturday of the month at Pacifica Senior Living, 6280 Clay St, Riverside. You can also find some more info on our facebook page: Riverside California 3rd Saturday Dementia Support Group

Looking forward to meet you at the support group or if you prefer to have a personal meeting, call our office to schedule an appointment: (951) 778-0230.

By: Ilse Aerts, LPC

Any struggles you might have today, you don’t have to conquer them alone. My personal, professional and volunteer experience will help shine a different light on your struggles of grief and loss, parenting struggles, life’s challenges. Coming from a different culture myself, I understand the adjusting challenges you might come across (different rules and expectations, different language,...).

By offering guidance and support, together we can rediscover your own inner strength to work through those challenges.
I look forward to meet people of all cultural background, beliefs and ages on Tuesday and Thursdays. I earned my Master degree in Clinical Psychology from Vrije Universiteit Brussel.

I am a member of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors.

Léah Almilli 8/28/19 Léah Almilli 8/28/19

The Power of Human Touch

How many of you can recall when you would hurt yourself when you were young? Perhaps falling while playing or taking a spill off your bike? For some, although the hurt caused a tear or two to fall, the best thing about it was when our favorite loved adult would “kiss it to make it better”. Often, we wouldn’t even need a Band-Aid or a visit to the doctor like we so desperately claimed. What was wanted was that squeeze after the Band-Aid, that high-five after the tears, even simply sitting next to our loved one and feeling them there - that touch from that other person with whom we were close and loved held and carried a healing power.

Children who are struggling with attachment disorders, people who have been victims of sexual assault or rape, and similarly, folks who battle with various levels of anxiety can benefit from the healing power of touch. It is often assumed that it is babies who primarily benefit from touch and mainly from their mothers (or primary caregivers). And, while this still holds truth, there are so many other opportunities that can provide healing. Just a few examples are pain reduction, creating safer spaces, improve relationships between not just couples but also other dyads (siblings, parent/child, etc.). Research has even shown that when a child is struggling in school, a small, simple touch on their shoulder from their teacher can provide just the right amount of encouragement to allow the child to begin to soar in their studies.

Here are 4 simple reasons to consider the powerful, healing properties of the human touch:

1: Touch releases a chemical in our brains called oxytocin. This chemical is like the cuddle switch. When touch is wanted or desired, oxytocin is released. Just 20 seconds of affectionate touching is enough to reduce our stress hormone and increase our cuddle hormone. This can manifest safer spaces and increase trust, as well.

2: When stress levels due to trauma or anxiety are at an all time high, our ability to experience what may seem to be compassion is muddled; especially when it is brought to us through only the spoken word. It may seem silly but when words fail, touch may be the answer. Touch can trigger our vagus nerve (the nerve that runs from the brain to the belly, passing the heart along the way), thus allowing us to be receptive to and to respond with compassion.

3: Not only can touch allow us to feel compassion, it also reduces stress. Our stress hormone, cortisone, increases when we experience anxiety, trauma, stress from taking a test, falling off our bikes, etc. A touch, even one that happens by accident, can reduce that stress hormone and lower blood pressure. This means a happier heart. Image the anxiety beginning to creep in because of a memory that has begun to invade your thoughts. You are walking around work or school and can’t seem to calm it down. Someone needs to walk past you and, gently, presses their hand on your arm to excuse themselves around you. That one slight touch is just enough to not only distract you from your thoughts but also to decrease that cortisone that is about to sky high.

4: Touching between couples can increase trust, promote communication, and can improve relationship satisfaction. Even the simple act of holding hands while watching a movie or hugging for just 20 seconds before leaving for work can begin to create that bond between couples. This bond can be the foundation in which trust is rebuilt, safety is re-established, and communication is opened.

Everyone has a built in need to be touched, and yes, from birth. However, it does not end once we reach a specific age. It is a life-long desire for touch. When it is practiced appropriately and respectfully, the human touch can be powerful healing aspect of the human experience.

By Léah Almilli

Is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. She works with children as young as 6 and adults as old as 88. She is fluent in American Sign Language and she teaches ASL at the local community college. Léah like to help people grow and feel better about themselves. Léah offers a holistic, client-centered approach to the process, allowing each person the opportunities to discover how their pasts can lead into their futures. Léah makes her therapy rooms warm, welcoming, non-judgmental, and compassionate to ensure that the clients can feel safe to explore what is needed.

Judy McGehee, LMFT 8/20/19 Judy McGehee, LMFT 8/20/19

A Therapy Session, What’s it Really Like.

I am a working therapist, and I would like to share with you what it’s like to see clients. Therapists generally work the same way; however, each therapist works slightly different, adding their own personality and style. Through the years, I’ve created my own way of working with clients that I have found to be highly successful.

After the initial phone call, an intake session is scheduled. In this session, we speak about what the problem is, how it is affecting your life, how I might help you, and together we develop a plan.

Sometimes clients ask, “How are you different from bouncing ideas off my friends and family.”

First of all, family and friends can be great to bounce ideas off of, but because they love you and want good things for you sometimes they do not provide you with the truth, can be overly harsh or want you to do what they want. I’m not family, nor am I a friend and that fact gives me the ability to look at what is going on as a neutral third party. Additionally, I have many years of specific training and experience to help people with all sorts of bothersome problems quickly and effectively.

Therapists are bound by laws and state regulation to protect your information by keeping it confidential (there are a couple of exceptions by law) but mostly what you say in therapy stays in therapy. Sometimes friends accidentally share your secrets.

Therapists do not advise as friends do, but therapists allow you to talk out your feelings, help identify the behaviors that are causing you problems, and create a strategy for making changes. Therapists are also able to determine if your concerns might be physical, sometimes depression and other mental health issues start with some physical problems that you may not be aware of.

Therapists have spent years gaining experiences in the practice of counseling and often gain over 3000 hours before they can work independently. Then, of course, there are two state exams that therapists must pass before they can sit in the room with you. Your family and friends not so much.

Therapists also get specialized training, for example, I have personally have training in adolescent drug and alcohol recovery, inpatient and outpatient therapy; and I have also experience working at a boy’s home, and a psychiatric hospital. These experiences have given me the opportunity to use different types of therapeutic interventions, i.e., CBT, DBT, Solution Focus, Play Therapy, Trauma-Focused, among others.

You can choose a therapist through your insurance company, or perhaps by word of mouth, or by searching therapists websites. In California, a professional organization called California Association Of Marriage and Family Therapists, (CAMFT) has a list of therapists.

I seem to have many referrals through the years by word of mouth – the nicest of referrals. It means former clients trusted me, felt they were helped by our work together. We discussed family issues, working in a business with family members, addiction issues, parent-child issues, children who were adopted and struggling with “who they are, where they came from.”

Each session is a problem-solving session. You talk about your current situation, and your therapist uses their expertise to help you in trying to resolve the problem. Also, remember all our conversations are confidential.

Some therapists like to give homework in between sessions so that you can practice in real life the new skills and the time in between sessions you can think about what you’d like to discuss in the next session. Your therapist might make some suggestions about what you might do in between sessions to feel better, i.e., exercise three times a week for 15 minutes outside in the sun. Most clients start therapy weekly, and then as confidence grows, skills increase, emotions are in check, and the problems start to be resolved, the sessions may change to bi-monthly, then monthly.

Therapy should not be for forever but used when certain problems arise that make it hard for you to function in your daily life.

Some clients find that they come to therapy for six months to a year and then go about living their lives. When new problems pop up, or they feel overwhelmed, they come back for a check-in, learn new skills and end therapy quickly. It all depends on the problems and how disabling it is to you.

B.G. Collins summed up my feeling of being a therapist best he said;

“Most grateful for the job I choose.”

As you can see, there are a few major differences between advice from family and friends or a therapist. If you are struggling with any life problem give me a call and let’s chat about the work, we can do together.

By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

Valerie Fluker, PCCI 6/18/19 Valerie Fluker, PCCI 6/18/19

Parent Café: Self-Care

Hi, I am back with more helpful tips and hints, this time for the care providers. We, as parents, are constantly reminded that our children/child comes first. That is partially correct as parents; we must remember that our children will need us at peak performance most of the time. Depending on their age group as to how much direct supervision and energy will be needed. Albeit it’s hard to find personal time to refuel our energy. We know that spending time with our children helps them to socialize and learn the values of the family as well as community standards. We will not be able to carry out parental duties in an effective manner without self-care.

What is self-care?

Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Though the question seems relatively simple of just how does a parent juggle all the tasks to do self-care? Self-care often gets overlooked or dismissed to a later date, often a date that never happens. Self-care is important for reducing anxiety as well as improving one’s mood. It is necessary for all people but especially for parents.

What isn’t self-care?

Self-care is not a forced act or something we don’t enjoy doing. A scholar once explained self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.” https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/

Below are a few helpful self-care tips:

One of the main keys to not becoming overwhelmed by the steps in the process of developing a doable self-care plan. Keep it simple.
Developing a self-care plan that can help enhance one’s health, well-being and manage one’s stress.
Identify activities and practices that support your well-being as will assist you in sustaining a positive long-term self-care plan. Improving and increasing your life.
Another crucial factor is that a self-care plan is personal to you. Everyone’s approach will differ and should relate to the needs of you.
Self-care plans are useful for workplace/professional well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relationships. Activities should be tailored to and meaningful to one’s self and intended goals.
Physical self-care should include a regular sleep routine, healthy diet, walk, and exercise.
Psychological self-care consists of reflective journaling, hobby, time away from emails and social media, relaxation, positive interaction with family and friends.
Emotional self-care encompasses developing supportive friendships, write three good things that you did each day, play your favorite sport, and talk with friends about how you are coping with life demands.
Spiritual self-care involves reflective meditation, walks, visit your church/mosque/temple, yoga, reflect with a close friend, download the 1 Giant Mind app, and learn mindfulness techniques and its benefits.
Once the plan has been drafted, keep it in a visible location, stick to your plan-practice regularly, and re-assess how you are doing and if it needs adjustments.
Once you create your plan, do a cursory check for any barrier that might hinder you from moving forward. Also, what can you do to remove these barriers? If they cannot be removed, then one might adjust their self-care strategies.
Finally, relationship self-care involves making close relationships, e.g., partners, family, and children a priority attend dedicated events with family and friends, arrive to work, and leave on time every day.

Access the links below, to download and chart your self-care plan, it is really easy to do.

Another method of self-care that I want to reintroduce are the benefits associated with mindfulness techniques/exercises. Let’s start with what mindfulness is: The term mindfulness refers to a psychological state of awareness, the practices that promote this awareness, a mode of processing information, and a character trait. To be in step with up-to-date research, mindfulness means also “a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment” This definition can be found by clicking here.

Mindfulness-based skills can help both adults and children to cultivate emotion regulation, decreased reactivity, and increased response flexibility, and intrapersonal benefits.

The 5 most common benefits of mindfulness are:

✔ Decreased Stress

✔ Decreased Depressive Symptoms

✔ Increases Self-Compassion

✔ Improved General Health

✔ Increases Positivity in Mental Health Outcomes

Deep Breathing (Mindfulness Exercise) promotes:
Breathing for Enlightenment-develops deep insight
Breathing for Relaxation-helps quieten and clear the mind
Breathing to Let Go of Negativity
Breathing for Inner Peace
Breathing to Learn about Your Body
Breathing to Connect Mind and Body

Source: https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/meditation-and-breathing-benefits-of-mindful-breathing/

Incorporating mindfulness exercises into one’s self-care plan is an added benefit, a benefit that brings positive returns. As this will, i.e., practicing mindfulness will engender a whole-body healing, relaxation, and a peaceful mind and spirit. Therefore, one will likely return to the task at hand with an increase in their self-care toolbox, an arsenal of ways to bringing calm, peace, relaxation, and clearer thinking.

By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.

I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.

I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT 6/11/19 Courtney Whetstone, LMFT 6/11/19

5 Effective Communication Skills

Something that people often bring into my therapy room is that they want to communicate better. You may ask, “what does that even mean? Well, I am going to tell you exactly what that means in 5 effective communication skills. To start off, I think we need to start with the basics and discuss what communication even means. “Communication: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.” (Merriam Webster). In really people terms it’s how we talk to our spouse, our kids and even our boss. This would also include the great amount of nonverbal communication that we do. Ever ask yourchild if they ate that cookie you left on the counter? They shake their head, but this little smile comes across their face and the cookie that you had been saving is gone; that is nonverbal communication. Other nonverbal communication is eye-contact, tone, body posture or gestures. Now that we know WHAT communication is, let's figure out how to do this effectively.

5 Effective Communication Skills

Active listening- this means to listen with your body giving full attention to the person that is speaking. It means to be alert while the other person is talking. It requires the person listening to be interested and to fully concentrate on what the person talking is saying. This also includes nonverbal communication (eye contact, facial expressions, nodding, etc.)
Asking questions- when you are in conversation with someone, asking questions show that you are interested in what the other person is saying. This can include open-ended questions such as questions that start with how, what, where, who, when or “can you tell me more about that?” Or even closed ended questions like “Are you feeling better today?” “Can I help you with that?” or “Have you completed your homework?”
Clarifying and summarizing- this is to ensure what you are hearing is being heard correctly. It is also helpful in making sure the person talking is getting their point across clearly. “So, what you’re saying is ________?” “Do you mean you want to go out to dinner?” or “Did I understand you when you said…?”
Being present- being in the moment with the person you are communicating will provide a better chance to understand and empathize with the person you are communicating with. Your time and attention is focused on to the person that is speaking. (Put down that phone)
Being clear- speaking clearly and concisely is effective because then there is little room to misunderstand or misinterpret what is being conveyed. Say what you want _____ “I would like it if we went to the movies” instead of “Sure would be nice if we might go to the movies”. This last sentence is not as direct, and communication is always better if the listener doesn’t have to guess at what you are thinking or feeling. Tell that person. It’s only in the movies when people can read minds. In real life, being direct is the key.

By Courtney Whetstone, AMFT

Courtney Whetstone, AMFT is an associate Marriage and Family Therapists who works with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification and parenting. Courtney works in both the Riverside and Murrieta office.

To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.

Angelica Ramirez-Diaz, AMFT 5/29/19 Angelica Ramirez-Diaz, AMFT 5/29/19

NOTICIAS HOY

¿Sera terapia familiar para mi y mis seres queridos?

Introducción

La terapia familiar esta basada en la idea de que una familia es un sistema compuesto de diferentes partes que sirven un propósito. Cuando hay un cambio inesperado y no usual en alguno de los integrantes no es una situación agradable pues afecta la dinámica familiar en maneras que no son saludables. Muchas veces la familia esta sumergida en patrones que no le sirven y que no son saludables. Aun en las mejores circunstancias, las familias pueden encontrarse con frustración y desesperación por tener que ajustarse a algún cambio. También puede haber mucho dolor y confusion durante ese tiempo si alguien se encuentra con problemas de salud mental o adicción.

¿Quien puede asistir a las terapias familiares?

Ustedes como clientes pueden comunicarle a la terapeuta a cuales miembros les gustaría incluir en el curso de tratamiento y esto no se limita solamente a la familia biológica. Puede ser que ustedes tengan otros miembros quien consideran importantes en participar como amigos, padrinos y mas.

¿Que pasa si algún miembro de la familia se niega a participar?

Puede haber muchas razones por las cuales miembros de la familia no quieran participar. Por ejemplo, quizás tendrán miedo de que las cosas cambien y prefieren no arriesgar a que las cosas empeoren. Tal vez están cansados de hablar/discutir sobre los mismos temas, pueden quizás tenerle desconfianza a la terapeuta o escepticismo en el tratamiento para nombrar algunos temas. En ocasiones, solamente lo que necesitan es tiempo. Integrantes de la familia que están listos y interesados para participar empezaran el tratamiento. Sin embargo, cuando los otros integrantes hayan indicado que están listos podrán participar en el tratamiento.

¿Es la terapia familiar efectiva como tratamiento?

Hay muchos beneficios cuando hay participación en terapia familiar. Los participantes suelen aprenden como mejorar la comunicación entre ellos de una manera respetuosa y calmada, practican como expresar sus sentimientos y como resolver conflictos entre ellos.

Si usted y sus seres queridos están listos para participar en terapia familiar pueden buscar una terapeuta en centralcounselingservices.net

Este articulo fue escrito por Angelica Ramirez-Diaz (Registrada Terapeuta Matrimonial y Familiar #103776) supervisada por Sheralyn Shockey-Pope (Licenciada Terapeuta Matrimonial y Familiar #37209).

Valerie Fluker, PCCI 5/28/19 Valerie Fluker, PCCI 5/28/19

Active Parenting

This blog will focus our attention on active parenting tips for our children to increase their confidence and responsibility. What is active parenting? First and foremost, active parenting help impart to our children values that help create high functioning children and great adults. Active parenting involves instilling:

1. Courage

2. Self-esteem

3. Responsibility

4. Cooperation

These are just a few of the skills necessary for children to learn survival and life skills. When thinking about active parenting, a proactive approach works best. In other words, do not wait until the child does something wrong. Instead, instill values and morals that will serve as your child’s foundation-a building block for growth. Many parents believe instilling values, morals, and socialization is the purpose of active parenting. Find your child doing good and encourage your child by telling them how grateful you are that they did this (___________________) Something like I appriacate it when you help me put the dishes away or when you make you bed or when you are nice to your little sister. Find a way to let your child know that you care and are watching. Ask your child what do they like best about their drawing or their art project. These are just some of the ways to actively parent.

Let us take a quick look at the four basic blocks.

Courage-when instilled as a foundation; children have the strength they will need to try and try again. This build resilience a great tool for life.
Self-esteem-that is to possess a positive image of self.
Responsibility-a child is more than capable of making decisions as well as accept responsibility for that decision.
Cooperation-parents encourage children to work together as well as with others for a positive end. Cooperation is also an essential element needed to facilitate teamwork efforts.

The four basic blocks are important for every child to learn. As a parent; we will not be able to be there for everything our child does. Having our children to use decision-making, along with the courage to stick with his/her decision, is crucial. Another important part of active parenting that revolves around protecting and preparing children to be equipped to survive and thrive in society. Important to that end is for children to feel good about themselves and their decisions and act them out with confidence in everyday life.

For more information on Active Parenting click here

Most parents can agree that is parenting is a full-time job, with no instruction manual. Most parents are unaware of the pivotal role they play in shaping the people their children will eventually become. Parents become teachers, role models, protector and confidante, and many hats, all to get their child/children to a safe place in life.

Unfortunately, parents are tasked with the job of telling your child a hundred or so times the same set of directives. This is needed to help your child’s brain fully understand and be retained in their memory. Essential to effect communicative is a relationship with your child is a vital component in developing a healthy relationship between the parent(s) and children.

Learning how to develop effective communication with your child engenders a stable and loving home life (which helps keeps parents sane). Noting day-to-day activities, e.g., homework, meals, and bedtimes flow more smoothly. Effective communication may also improve your child’ long-term health and development. Studies indicate that children who don’t feel or believe they have a good relationship with their parents are more likely to have low self-esteem, difficulties in school and emotional problems, and are a greater risk for using drugs and experimenting with risky sexual behavior [source: Mental Health America].

Building a strong relationship with your child/children

1. Be consistent with children.

a. Hour to hour, day to day, and week to week, in short, every waking moment remain consistent with rules and discipline

b. Parents must practice the following rules as well, or our children will not either

c. Focus on one key behavior (or misbehavior) that needs addressing

d. The behavior should reflect a reward or disciplinary action [source: Family Education]

2. Stay positive-remain calm, do not yell. Always reward your child for their good behavior.

a. The only way to reverse negative behaviors is to make rules that you can keep and enforce.

3. Be Patient-Even though one may desire quick results; people don’t change overnight.

a. It took time for your children to master their misbehavior; it will take equal time to change them.

4. Expect resistance-Never fear your children are going to test you, especially if you tried enforcing the rule with them before, but failed to follow through.

a. Change can be challenging, and your children are not likely to embrace your new rules. Nevertheless, do not give in or up parents you are likely to win.

5. Stick with it-In order for change to stay long term; consistency is the key

a. Consistency will show your children the behaviors and values that are important to you and in turn, teach them self-discipline [source: Family Education].

A barrier to active parenting: when both parents must work and some parents must work two jobs for family upkeep. Important to families wherein both parents must work is to choose quality over quantity. That means, it is not how much time is spent, but the purposeful meaning embodied in that brief time.

To this end, I am posting a summary of children’s rights as set forth by The UN Convention on the rights of the Child/ UNICEF for every child they list about 42; however, I will only list a few https://www.unicef.org.nz/child-rights

1. Be Recognized

2. Adequate care

3. Parental guidance

4. Life

5. Live with their parents

6. Freedom of expression

7. Freedom of thought

8. Freedom from abuse

9. An education

10. Personal development, survival, and protection

By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Sherry Shockey-Pope 5/16/19 Sherry Shockey-Pope 5/16/19

Mediation & Mindfulness

I bet by now you have heard that you should learn to meditate. You may have heard that it can be useful for your health, reduce your stress levels and that it can even make you happy. You may be thinking those are excellent benefits but how do I do it and what is it exactly?

The National Institute of Health has defined meditation as "a mind and body practice that focus on the interactions among the brain, mind, body, and behavior." Despite the many types of mediation most include these four principals 1. A comfortable posture that can consist of standing, sitting, lying down or walking, 2. A location that is quiet with few distractions, 3. A focus of attention on an object, breath, mantra or word and 4. A nonjudgmental or open attitude, letting distracting thoughts go without assigning any emotion to the thoughts.

Many health studies show meditation can have a positive effect on our physical health. In a 2017 survey of adults, 55-75 years of age and brain functioning over an 8 week period were either using focus controlled breathe mediation or the control activity. After they were given tests to measure their attention and emotional control the results found that those who meditated had significantly better attention on the test and activation in the attention area of the brain over the control group.

Many other studies are suggesting that the practice of mindfulness for healthy people can reduce stress and can help people cope with pain, Anxiety, and depression that often accompanies chronic illness.

If you need further convincing of the effectiveness of mediation and health benefits, take a long look at a recent article by Jill Suttie entitled “Five Ways Mindfulness Meditation Is Good for Your Health.” Greater Good, Greater Good Center UC Berkeley, 24 Oct. 2018

10 steps to Meditation

1. Start with 2 minutes. You can increase it in a week or two after you get comfortable.

2. Find a comfortable place to sit or lay down with little to no distractions and close your eyes.

3. Check in with your emotions; how do you feel right now? Whatever you feel is okay

4. Start with breathing deeply in and slowly release.

5. Thoughts will come and go, notice them and then focus on breathing again.

6. If you have a mantra or a word say that to yourself as you breathe in and out.

7. Don’t worry about doing it wrong; just do it as the Nike ad says.

8. Have a feeling of gratitude or love as thoughts enter and leave you. They are a part of you.

9. Stay with whatever comes up, then return to the breath. Don't fight the thoughts or give up.

10. Try to meditate early in the day and do it every day. It's only for two minutes.

Meditation may not feel comfortable at first, that is okay, keep trying. You can also try the guided meditation on this site if you need a bit more guidance. After you get the 2 minutes down add another minute or two. When you are done for the day, smile and be grateful that you had these two minutes for just you. After a few weeks, you will look forward to this practice. Remember that consistency is the key. If you feel you need more help, there are" APP for that," a few that my clients and I like include HeadSpace, InsightTimer, and Calm. These apps are available in the Apple Store or Google Play. There is also a biofeedback band that teaches you to meditate called Muse. Muse is headband that you wear around your forehead, and it provides feedback as to your current brainwaves. It includes step by steps instructions as it encourages you along your journey.

The bottom line is it, not the program or equipment you use, what is important is that you are engaging in the practice of mediation for your mind, body, and spirit.

Click here for the Guided Meditation

By Sheralyn (Sherry) Shockey-Pope, LMFT

Sheralyn (Sherry) Shockey-Pope, LMFT is the Chief Operation Officer and Co-Owner of Central Counseling Services. Sherry oversees the day to day operation of the practice in two locations Riverside and Murrieta, and she directly supervises associates, licensed therapists, and the support staff. Her practice consists of 23 clinicians and five support staff. Sherry has extensive teaching and speaking experience and presents on topics of depression, anxiety, child abuse, adoption, business performance, and mindset blocks. Although she is not taking new clients, she can help you find the perfect therapist fit from her hand selected and well-trained therapist team. In her spare time, Sherry enjoys being outdoors, water aerobics, swimming, hiking, gardening or sailing.

Sherry Shockey-Pope 5/7/19 Sherry Shockey-Pope 5/7/19

Diabetes and Mental Health

Ever think that good diabetic care might also include good mental health care? Our mental health affects all parts of our lives from how we feel, what we think, how we make decisions, choices and even how much stress with can handle.

There has been plenty of research on the mind-body connection. What’s the mind-body connection you say? It’s a powerful connection between our physical or biological selves and our thoughts, feelings and even our attitudes can positively or negatively impact our bodies and our overall health. Likewise, what we do to our bodies like eating, exercise, smoking or even how we stand can have a huge impact on our mental wellness. Simply put our mind-body connections is strong and it directly affects our health.

According to an article in the Journal of American Medical Association entitled The Mental Health Comorbidities of Diabetes people that have diabetics to have a great risk of depression and anxiety.

Depression is a medical illness that causes sadness, feelings of worthlessness, sleeping too little or too much. When your diabetes is not well managed your risk for other complications including heart disease, nerve damage and vision issues greatly increase.

Other symptoms of depression can include:

Loss in interest in activities
Isolation
Sadness
Hopelessness
Feeling tired all the time
Lack of concentration
Headaches or generalized ache and pains
Digestive problems
Thoughts of suicide or death

Anxiety is also a medical illness that can cause excessive worry, uneasiness, restlessness, and fear. A person who has diabetes has a 20% greater risk increases for anxiety sometime in their life according to the Centers for Disease Control. Especially when first diagnosed with diabetes there are many medical and lifestyle changes. Education on Diabetics management is needed to understand the new condition fully. Newly diagnoses people can become excessive in watching their blood sugar (Glucose), and it can become anxiety producing and overwhelming. That leads to stress, excessive worry, and agitation which can make it harder to maintain healthy blood sugar levels.

Additional symptoms of anxiety:

Keyed up or on edge
Unable to fall asleep or stay asleep
Concentration and memory loss
Consistent fear of impending doom
Obsessive thought or “what if…”
Increased blood pressure
Panic Attacks

TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE

Luckily, you can make easy changes that will have a huge positive effect on managing your diabetes and mental wellness.

Take a walk and get moving daily.
Water acrobatics is a good fitness activity because it provides both cardiovascular benefit and resistant work; making your muscles work more. Find certified fitness instructors like the ones from Aquamotion Ability Foundation in Riverside, CA. They offer various classes from beginner to advance.
Meditation or Yoga helps with a positive mind-body connection and decreases stress, depression, and anxiety.
Get educated on your diabetes
Limited caffeine and alcohol consumption.
Eat healthily and get enough sleep.
Be social, people with a good network of friends have less severe mental health issues
Work with your healthcare team.
See a therapist if your depression, anxiety or stresses is not getting better or gets worse.

If you need more information on depression or anxiety, please call our office (951) 778-0230 and arrange an appointment to speak to a therapist.

By Sheralyn (Sherry) Shockey-Pope, LMFT

Valerie Fluker, PCCI 4/30/19 Valerie Fluker, PCCI 4/30/19

Parent Café

Hi, this is Valerie, and I am back this time with more co-parenting tips, as well as more do’s and don’ts. We will begin with a recap of what co-parenting is along with what co-parenting isn’t.

Let us peruse the dictionary definition of co-parent:

The definition of co-parenting is a process where two parents work together to raise a child even though they are divorced or separated and no longer live together. An example of co-parenting is when a divorced mother and father share legal and physical custody of their child.

Two houses - Ten rules for healthy co-parenting:

Don't force your children to choose sides. ...
Opt for a positive tone when you talk to your children about your ex….
Don't make your children your messengers. ...
Detach yourself from your ex-spouse. ...
Limits and expectations for your children. ...
Be a responsible adult…modeling

How does co-parenting work…are you working cooperatively with the other parent-doing and modeling ones best for the benefit of your child/children?

Tips that might help one prepare for their co-parenting obligation

Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. ...
Stay kid-focused. ...
Never use kids as messengers. ...
Keep your issues to yourself. ...
Set a business-like tone. ...
Make requests. ...
Listen. ...
Show restraint.

We will take a brief look at what cooperative parenting…

It is a style of cooperative parenting wherein conflict is low, and parents can effectively communicate about their child/children…Conflicted parenting is the worst for children, who are often thrust in the middle of the conflicts. Children most often adjust to their parent’s divorce or separation much easier when conflict is not a part of the parenting environment.

Granted, cooperative parenting is a challenge, even in the most well-intentions situations can become difficult at times. When parents are raising children in two homes, it can be an incredibly challenging experience for all involved.

I know I mentioned “backpacking” in previous blogs; however, I am compelled to mention it again. I will define what backpacking is and its devastating effects it can have when forming a cooperative co-parenting relationship…

In short, the backpack contents are a collection of real and fantasied hurts, betrayals, ongoing conflict, etc. to sum the backpack contents; it contains a collection of unresolved adult issues. The person did not address during the relationship, or the verbalized discontentment was ignored by the other partner. Therefore, intimacy continues into the co-parenting environment, making it impossible to present a congenial-united, conflict-free environment for the child/children. I have found this to be the most injurious to forming or even understanding the importance of a united front. A conflict-free environment will undoubtedly be the right path to successful co-parenting.

Nevertheless, I found a great article on rules for co-parenting. Below are a few Do’s and Don’ts rules.

RULES FOR CO-PARENTING

Always, the decisions made by the parents will be for your child’s psychological, spiritual, and physical well-being and safety.
Do make and confirm parenting-time arrangements beforehand between the parents without involving your child.
Do notify each other promptly of any need to deviate from the schedule between homes, including canceling time with your child, rescheduling, and punctuality.
Do communicate with your co-parent and make similar rules about discipline, routines, sleeping arrangements, and schedules between homes. Appropriate discipline should be exercised by mutually agreed upon adults.
Do keep your co-parent informed of any scholastic, medical, psychiatric, or extracurricular activities or appointments of your child.
Do keep your co-parent always informed of your address and telephone number. If you are out of town with your child, do provide your co-parent the basic travel itinerary and a phone number so that you and your child may be reached in case of an emergency.
Do refer to your co-parent as your child’s “mother” or “father” in conversation, rather than using “my ex.”
Do not talk negatively, or allow others to talk negatively, about the other parent, his or her family, and friends, or his or her home within hearing range of your child. This includes belittling remarks, ridicule, or bringing up allegations, whether valid or invalid, about issues involving the adults in the co-parenting relationship.
Do not question your child about your co-parent, the activities of your co-parent, or regarding your co-parent’s personal life. In other words, do not use your child to spy on the other parent.
Do not argue or have heated conversations when your child is present.
Do not try to “win your child over” at the expense of your child’s other parent.
Do not schedule extracurricular activities for your child during the other parent’s time without your co-parent’s consent. However, do work together to allow your child to be involved in such activities.
Do not involve your child in adult issues and conversations about custody, the court, or the other parent.
Do not ask your child where he or she wants to live.
Do not attempt to alienate your co-parent from your child’s life.
Do not allow stepparents or others to negatively alter or modify your relationship with your co-parent.
Do not use phrases that draw your child into your issues or make your child feel guilty about the time spent with the other parent. Do not say “I miss you!” Do say, “I love you!”

http://www.childreninthemiddle.com/documents/rulesforcoparenting.pdf

I believe that co-parenting in a congenial environment is possible; just as I believe for some, it is virtually impossible. As individuals, I will let you be the judge of the that.

Hope to see you in co-parenting class!

By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Sherry Shockey-Pope 4/1/19 Sherry Shockey-Pope 4/1/19

The drive home

So many times during our drive home from work, school or even running errands we engage in unhealthy behavior. Like everyone, I find myself engaging in unhealthy behavior such as overeating or my favorite “road rage.” Especially after a long stressful day at work. I just feel as if I have so much anxiety, I need to GET IT OUT, on the person driving on the road in front of me.

Now, I am maybe exaggerating just a little, but we all can let the stress of the day get to us in one way or another while driving.

These are some simple techniques that have helped me on the drive home.

First: I find it helpful to reflect on the positive outcomes of the day. No matter how BAD the day was, find the good.

Second: Refocus my priorities. Reviewing short term goals and long term goals.

Third: Listening to music that makes you feel good whether it be pop, country, jazz, meditation or relaxation or R&B music.

Four: Talk to yourself, yes I said talk to yourself. It sometimes is effective to bounce an idea around with you to improve productivity and reflect on the day and what we could have done differently.

Fifth: To be grateful for the small things you have, such as a beautiful sunset as you look at the horizon. For some, this might be a time to have a deeper connection with a high power.

Sixth: Be polite to other drivers. Do the opposite of what you are feeling at the moment. You will see a different outlook if you exercise your free will of choice, and not react to your impulses.

Next time you feel like waving a nice middle finger birdied or honking your horn at someone, try to implement these six simple techniques on your next DRIVE HOME.

If you need help taming the anxiety or managing the road rage, call us, we can help get you back on track. We have two convenient locations to serve you, Riverside or Murrieta. Don’t continue to worry or be angry, call us @951-778-0230 or email Therapyccs@gmail.com

by Lisa J. Clark, AMFT

Lisa loves working with teens and adults. She helps by teaching anxiety reduction skills and problem-solving skills. She is a good listener and she cares much. She hates to see people in pain and she works with them to help them develop a happier and healthier life. She is optimistic and warm and she helps people see other perspectives.

She is a parent and she understands that raising children can be a lot of hard work and sometimes parents get stressed and need help too.

A favorite quote of her is "It's easier to build strong children than repair Broken men." Fredrick Douglass.

Valerie Fluker, PCCI 3/17/19 Valerie Fluker, PCCI 3/17/19

Parenting

For many of us we are taught that parenting is as natural as putting proper clothing or grabbing an umbrella when it is raining. However, parenting is not an automatic in our lives but instead learned behavior. Our children were not born with a how-to-manual; darn it. Therefore, we must learn how to become loving, caring and effective parents.

According to Webster Unabridged Dictionary parent is termed as a protector or guardian; further it states that a parent as one who act as parent of; to parent children with both love and discipline, and/or a person who brings up and cares for another.

That interpretation of a parent fails to give one the method involved in caring for another or parenting. So just how are we to know how to raise our child/children? Most of us use what our parents taught us. But is that enough?

The three major goals of parenting include:

Ensuring children’s health and safety
Preparing children for life as productive adults
Transmitting cultural values (Encyclopedia of Psychology)

Thank goodness we have some innate abilities or we would really be in trouble.

Are single parent households uncommon?

No-over the past 20 years single parent homes in US increased
Single parent households have become more common than nuclear families (both mother/father)
Nuclear families consist of father, mother and children; sometimes grandparents raising grandchildren
Modern family structure households headed by fathers only, mothers only or grandparent only; as well as aunts, uncles, and sometimes adult siblings

Now to revisit the mechanisms of parenting:

Parents and caretakers make sure children are healthy and safe, equip them with the skills and resources to succeed as adults, and transmit basic cultural values to them.
Parents and caretakers offer their children love, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, and guidance.
Parents and caretakers provide the most intimate context for the nurturing and protection of children as they develop their personalities and identities and as they mature physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially.
Information courtesy of American Psychological Association
Read more on Positive Parenting

What are the benefits of positive parenting?

Positive parent-child relationships provide a foundation for children’s, learning for which they bring into their adulthood. With parents’ sensitive, responsive, and predictable care, young children develop the skills they need to succeed in life. Early parent-child relationships have powerful effects on children’s emotional well-being (Dawson & Ashman, 2000), their basic coping and problem-solving abilities, and future capacity for relationships (Lerner & Castellino, 2002). From Positive Parent-Child-Relationships.

4-Key points to positive parenting success:

An Effective Parent
your words and actions influence your child the way you want them too.
A Consistent Parent
you follow similar principles or practices in your words and actions.
An Active Parent
you participate in your child’s life.
An Attentive Parent
You pay attention to your child’s life and observe what goes on.

What is community and how important is it?

Instructing child(ren) in social skills
Teaching child(ren) how to share
Instructing child(ren) about fairness (age appropriate)
- Important when engaging play dates
Model, Model your best selves
- Child (ren) do-as-one-do and not what one say!

Hey parents, let us remember that parenting skills are not automatic nor does a how-to-manual magically appear at the birth of the child. Parenting is largely learned behaviors as well as information passed from one generation to another. It is okay to ask questions, read a book or two, or enroll in a parenting class, as this is ok for moms, dads, grandparents, or any designated care provider. It’s important to strived to become an effective parent, practice consistency, be active in your child/children’s life, and do more listening than talking. If you need more help on parenting or building a great relationship with your child, call me and I can help. I work in both locations, Murrieta and Riverside.

by Valerie Fluker, Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Dhara Jani, AMFT, APCC 2/25/19 Dhara Jani, AMFT, APCC 2/25/19

Mindfulness Works

Have you ever noticed while you are doing something like the dishes, driving, or even taking a shower that you aren’t really present? While in the shower, you may be focused on thinking about something other than your shower itself. Instead, try feeling the temperature of the water, or smelling the soap, or hearing the water flow. If you pay attention and become aware, you might really start to recognize that your body is feeling relaxed and relieved in the freshness of the shower. To be mindful is to be aware and awaken to what is arising in the present moment. It is something we can practice in our daily living, not just on a meditation cushion. The practice of mindfulness connects our mind, body, heart, and soul. Ultimately, it helps us to be more peaceful, clear, and confident about our lives regardless of what is arising.

We create a space for whatever arises without judging it. For example, when you are mindful, you will notice different emotions that you are experiencing at different times during the day: you might be feeling irritation or fear during a traffic jam, or while driving fast; you might feel relaxed or a sense of peacefulness after a massage or a warm cup of soup. Just simply being aware of the feeling which is arising and not judging it will allow it to be felt, accepted, and released. It's like treating everything that comes to your consciousness as if it is your friend and serving a purpose by conveying a message to you.

The benefits of mindfulness meditation are many. Some of the physical health benefits of mindfulness meditation include relieving stress, treating heart disease, lowering blood pressure, reducing chronic pain, and improving sleep. Mindfulness also helps with mental health by reducing symptoms of depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and anxiety, among others. It has been found to be helpful with those experiencing PTSD as well.

Mindfulness can be practiced anytime and anywhere. You can start by being mindful or aware of your breathing: relax your body with each breath as you inhale and with each breath that you exhale. With each breath, you can feel the coolness of the temperate of the air. With each outgoing breath, feel how warm it feels in your nostrils. You can take a mindful nature walk, enjoy sipping a cup of tea or even enjoy doing the dishes. You can even try practicing mindfulness when you are stuck in traffic!

Try it for a period of 30 days and see how it can benefit you.

If you want more information, or to work with a therapist who uses this technique, call us at Central Counseling Services at (951) 778-0230. I am available as a MFT intern, and other therapists utilize this technique as well.

By Dhara Jani, MFT Intern

I want to help you feel relieved, balanced, and motivated to take the baby steps necessary to create the life of your dreams. I have been a certified life coach for several years, and find that I partner well with my clients to support them in creating the changes they need to make to meet their goals. I am nonjudgmental, patient, and approach their goals in a way that feels peaceful and helps them gain insight into the patterns they are wanting to break.

I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), a Certified Professional Life Coach and a Certified Yoga Teacher. I use mindfulness in my work, and teach the techniques to clients as part of their therapy. In my spare time, I enjoy walking in nature, mindfulness meditation, cooking, music, and spending time with friends and family.