Steps to increasing assertiveness for shy people… or anyone really

There has been an increased awareness in the need to explicitly state our needs and wants in different areas of our lives (work, school, friends, romantic relationships, children). As a self-identified introvert, it was difficult for me to be assertive growing up. The following suggestions are things I began implementing in my early years as an undergrad psychology student which I now show my clients how to use. Here is a gentle reminder that it is possible to be introverted and assertive. It is possible to come from a family culture or heritage where self-advocacy was not an option and now acquire the skills to thrive in this emerging new environment while remaining true to your culture and self.

The Prep Work

1. Identify what kind of communicator you are: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or the “ideal” Assertive. Think of communication in a continuum where passive and aggressive are opposites, and in the middle you have assertive.

2. Write it down: Write down what you want, then break it down to how you want to deliver it. My personal favorite is “I” statements because it helps you focus on what you need, what you feel, and why. It avoids putting blame on others and opens the door for two two-sided conversations.

3. Practice: this may seem silly, yet we were not born speaking. Practice in front of the mirror saying your argument or need out-loud. You can also practice with people you trust and get feedback on your delivery. If you are in therapy, your therapist can recreate scenarios for your to practice.

Time for Action

1. Timing: you will want to have the conversation when both parties have time and are aware of the conversation that’s about to happen. You do not want to start a long discussion right before work and risk things getting placed on hold- it is possible to do but you’re learning, so choose wisely at first and later you can adapt to find what works for you and others.


2. Tone: remember I mentioned passive-aggressive earlier? Well, tone plays a big role. If you’re passive you let things go easily even though internally you may want a different outcome. Sometimes people become passive-aggressive before they reach assertiveness. This happens when what you say is harsh yet said nicely or you say nice things in a mean way. The tone is important.


3. Compliments: starting with what the other person is doing right and honestly appreciating those things is helpful. Here's an example of wanting to give feedback to your parent: “I like that you make time to take me to soccer practice. And I still want to talk about how I feel sad because I want to go to the beach with my friends after practice which I understand means spending gas to take me and you mentioned that would be hard for you to do."


4. Set boundaries: it’s okay to say “NO”. It’s also okay to say you need more time to regulate your emotions if during the conversation you begin to feel shut down. It’s okay to state how the conversation is feeling for you “I feel upset because we’re using loud tones of voice so I want to take a break to cool down before we continue talking”. It’s also okay to accept other’s boundaries.


5. Compassion: be compassionate towards yourself. Even when things may not work out as expected. Be compassionate towards the other person for perhaps their journey towards assertiveness is not quite there yet. Give yourself praise for trying because you trying to be more assertive is in of itself, a change from being passive.

As per usual, reach out with comments on the box bellow or our IG page, @brainhealth4all. Tell us what you think about this blog and feel free to drop suggestions on future blogs you might find helpful. Remember that we are available to set an appointment if you would like support in learning how to be assertive or need other types of mental wellness support.

Best of luck on your journey towards assertiveness.

6 Tips to Better Distance Learning for your Child

I was hoping back in March 2020 that before school started again in August, our kids would be back on campus and being able to play with their friends. Maybe I was a bit naive at the time, or perhaps it was just wishful thinking. As a therapist, I see all sorts of families that are struggling with this pandemic. It is not uncommon for people to feel at times scared, anxious, or depressed. We have adapted, but many miss their old life and some sense of control. It is hard for entire families to be at home for so long, and now with the school year starting, the added stress of distance learning is causing many parents to feel overwhelmed, tired, and helpless. 

Many of my parents tell me they are not good at teaching; that is why they became firefighters, nurses, salespeople, or assorted other occupations teachers because they didn’t have the patience to be in a room with 20 kids all asking questions and with the expectation to actually teach something useful. Nevertheless, here we are having to supplement our child’s learning and help them prepare for online schooling. 

Here are a few tips to help you and your child succeed this school year!

Know what the expectations are from the start. Know what your child is responsible for, what time, and what subjects your child will be doing each day. Keep in touch with your child’s teacher and read all the documents created for their learning. Most schools have some type of parent portal; make sure you have registered and are checking it frequently.

Remove distractions. This is often easier said than done. In many families, everyone is at home and there's competition for space on the computer. I have had a few families become super creative and have elevated beds to allow for floor space for a desk.  Others have used “the guest room” or formal living rooms to have a space for each child and working parent. An area that is quiet and comfortable is an absolute must. This one may require you to think way out of the box to get it done.

Limit device screen time. As school time will take up many hours during the day, adding more sitting and screen time from games or TV will create eye strain, inability to focus, and anxiety. The overuse of screen also can negatively affect our brains. Sitting for long periods of time is also not good for our bodies or our mental health. To help combat this, printing out some schoolwork to work on the “old school way” and reading books also helps reset and refresh our brains. Note: I am not saying no to any additional screen time, but do try to limit it. 

Move more! Our bodies were designed to move, and when we don’t, our health suffers. Set up a schedule to allow for recess and non-screen playtime. We all do better with schedules, and working in physical activity into the school or workday is essential. Also note that some children do better standing at their desk while distance learning, you may need to adjust the computer’s height if your student does better standing. 

Attempt to adjust your schedule. If you can take a break when your child does, it will help both of you get more done and you to be less stressed. Try scheduling breaks times and lunch during your child designated time. It will be less chaotic and more fun if you can eat together. Once break time is over, you both can resume your work. 

Sleep. Know how many hours your child should sleep?  The American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) provides some helpful guidelines regarding just how much sleep your child needs depends on their age.  Children ages 6-12 should get 9 to 12 hours, and teens should be getting 8 to 10 hours nightly. We all learn better, have less mental distraction, better mood regulation, and frankly, we all easier to be around when we get the proper amount of sleep. Oh, and by the way, adults need at least 7 to 9 hours to be at our optimum performance.

We some planning, patience, and creativity we will all get through this new challenge. Some days will be easier than others. On those days, give yourself and your child a bit of grace and kindness, knowing that tomorrow will be a new day. 

Welcome to the new school year!

Woven into the Fabric of America

Things are changing daily in our world, even how we perceive the world, and how we go about our work. Change can be hard and difficult at times. But oftentimes, change is helpful and good for us. It has always been my belief that in order to have good mental health you need to feel safe and connected. We need to have the power and say over our lives. The recent protests I feel are about allowing all of us the opportunity to change and grow for the better.

Protests are Woven into the Fabric of America

The first anti-slavery protest occurred in 1688 in what is now Philadelphia. The protest was sponsored by a young German attorney and four Germantown Quakers.  The 1688 petition was the first American document of its kind that made a plea for equal human rights for everyone.

Asking for Basic Human Rights Goes Back Even Further,

Notably a protest in 1152 BC, against King Ramses III. The King was considered to be the last good pharaoh of the kingdom of Egypt. The protest involved grievances about human injustices, loss of wages and, feeding the poor.  I imagine you might ask, what those “old” occurrences have to do with Black Lives Matter and other interested supporters’ who are protesting today? Protests in the past and the one's today are shining a light on the multiple injustices that continue to exist in America and even the world. The motivating factor in all being, basic human rights for all. 

Essentially, then like now a peaceable assembly was/is used to assure, in this case, people of color are given equality, collective and not separate but equal. With the protest occurring I have had a strong desire to blog about the recent life-changing events, changes through welcomed; however, in pre-thought, such changes were often seen as impossible. Ergo, many dreams have become a reality. 

Our founding fathers developed and ratified what is known as the U.S. Constitution. This document, speaks clearly of granting a voice for redress and grievances brought by the American people. The 1st Amendment reads as…. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

 
It is not my intention to give a history lesson but to remind us that we do have a right to assemble in a peaceful manner so our voices can be heard. The result is to allow our voices and solidarity to assist in generating positive communication so that change can happen. At the end of the day, we are all human beings, a singular race with many skin tones and languages. Therefore, I believe that hu-man means peoples of many colors.

The Key to Thriving in Quarantine

As a mental health professional, I often try to find innovative ways to decrease non-preferred behaviors, (i.e. biting my cheeks), feelings (i.e. irritability), and thoughts (I should have…). I have found ways to use my growth and personal creative interventions to help my clients in their own work towards self-actualization. My hope is, that as you read this blog, 

you feel inspired to find what will help ease your own anxieties.

As this pandemic brought havoc and loss upon the world, I found myself having the need to check in on co-workers, love ones, and clients. The more I reached out, the more I found myself feeling especially tired and unmotivated. I started feeling depleted and wanting to seek refuge within myself, however even in silence I wondered how others were doing. I knew anxiety was creeping in, yet I was placed in a situation I had never faced before- a pandemic.

How do you handle old symptoms in a new environment?

The answer: you try what has worked before! I decided to play informal researcher once more and try to develop a skill to help me decrease the worry I felt for others and at the same time increase caring for myself. I often tell my clients that we cannot be fully present for others whilst we are internally struggling. 

If I preach, it is only fair, I also do. I tried skills that have worked for me before such as mindfulness, going on walks, writing. After about two weeks, I noticed that the strategies I had tried worked! Yet, the relaxing effect was short-lived. I decided to break down my goals even further: decrease anxiety and increase self-care. I also broke down the skills I was using and identified what I found most gratifying. It was then that I realized, self-reflection always came up.

I did some light research on ways one can engage in self-reflection. I found that self-reflection leads to productivity and feeling overall a sense of fulfillment.

Why? As you are slowing down, you make time for what matters. You also make time to notice what you are missing, such as “me time”. I decided to journal my experiences for a week. I wrote about my worries, my desires, and how I felt after trying the interventions mentioned above. I found the first two days were easy, then I felt I was investing too much time writing and wanted to give up. I told myself what I often tell others, if you want to change, it takes practice. At the end of the week, I found that I had reorganized my schedule to fit in my skills and the journaling. I found myself feeling that my emotional cup was getting full; it was no longer depleted!

How? Well, I believe that self-reflection gave me clarity by organizing my life to fit what mattered to me- to be “okay” for myself, so I can be “okay” for others too. I planned the left-over days of my one week research so that If I saw tomorrow was going to be tough, I planned ahead (a shorter walk, or more time to self-reflect, or a longer walk). I also organized other things I could control, becoming more mindful of how I spent my time. I found myself setting boundaries with myself and others on when I was available. I created a quick routine of when to send caring messages instead of having countless facetime calls or long texts. I requested from others to reach out when they need it and not just wait on me to check in- they can be held accountable too. 

As an introvert, I know I need alone time to recharge. It seems silly that during a quarantine I would find myself lacking silence to refuel, yet I was. As I self-reflected during that one week, I was able to give me time for me to truly recharge. I felt I was me again even during these ever-changing times.

So what do you get from my little story? I hope that you will now take the time to identify what you need to help you feel recharged and more like yourself. This pandemic has taken so much out of what made our lives predictable consequently leading us to be taken aback and feel somewhat lost. My suggestion for you, if you are feeling overwhelmed, talk about it with your therapist or someone you trust. I would suggest you read up on self-reflection and maybe incorporate it into your daily life to regain a version of normalcy to our new world. The more we know what we need and want, the more we are likely to set goals to get us there.

Let’s use this time productively and find ways to reach our healthier selves, so we can encounter our new normal soon. New perspectives on old notions can really help heal, we can be upset over the anxieties this pandemic has brought, or we can use this challenging time to better ourselves. 

Feel free to reach out to our IG page @brainhealth4all and tells us about your journey with self-reflection

Breath Awareness, a profound practice to transform your life & find eternal peace within!

One of the easiest ways to improve both your mental and physical health is cultivating the practice of mindful breathing, also called breath awareness. This practice can be incorporated in our daily life to create a sanctuary within us.  For centuries now, individuals from every culture have been drawn to the practice of breath awareness.  In India, breath awareness is practiced through the yogic system and call it ‘pranayama’.  ‘Prana-’ means life force, or you can say ‘chi’, ‘qi’ in Chinese, ‘ki’ in Japanese or ‘pneuma’ by the Greeks, and ‘holy spirit’ in the Bible. Similarly, there is the practice of watchfulness by early Christian teachers. There is a universal energy that flows in currents in and around the body.  

By practicing breath awareness, we can calm our racing thoughts in our mind and become more mindfully in the present moment. By concentrating or putting attention on our breath, we are able to settle our thoughts. The best part of breath awareness is that it can be practiced anytime.  For example, you can watch your breath while washing the dishes, taking a shower, or walking in nature.  

Our emotions affect the way we breathe and our breath affects our emotions. Our breath is faster when feeling anxious or angry, but slower and deeper when you feel calm and peaceful. The next time you feel anxious, try taking a few deep slow conscious breaths and see how you feel. To raise our energies from states of fear, anger, worry, or jealously, we need to raise our ‘prana’ through conscious breathing so that we can experience the feelings of love, peace, and joy.
  
By breathing deeply, we can heal our bodies and shift our consciousness to higher levels of vibrations. Breath awareness helps us to relax and welcome our most authentic self. We learn to accept our thoughts, feelings, and every aspect of our being without judgment. Breathing awareness can be implemented by practicing various breathing techniques.  For example, a breathing technique called “Ujjayi” or Victorious breath.  It’s also known as Oceanic breath that can help energize as well as calm our bodies at the same time. There are many benefits to this practice including increased oxygen levels in the body, relieve tension, regulate blood pressure, detoxify the body/ mind, increase energy levels, and feelings of the presence of the mind. Here is a link to the video I made explaining how to practice Ujjayi breath: 2 Minute Guided Meditation with Dhara 

Why you SHOULD be making your bed every day!

During this pandemic with COVID-19, our lives seem to change from day to day, even moment to moment. These new government policies, including self-quarantine, self-isolation, and social distancing, can affect your mental health. It is no wonder why many people are experiencing increased stress, sadness, and anxiety. 

What can a person do during these uncertain times?

One thing you can do is to set up a routine. Did you know the biological clock affects our mental health?! Having a routine helps your biological clock, or circadian rhythm, properly activated. Keeping you happy and healthy. It is essential to keeping your regular sleep and wake times. Another simple task but a must in your daily routine is, making your bed! Making your bed gives you a feeling of accomplishment. This one little task sets the tone for the rest of the day and gives you a sense of pride. Our mothers had it right when they would tell us to make our bed. Having a routine helps you cope with life’s uncertainty and has been proven to reduce stress levels. According to a study by researchers at Tel Aviv University, predictable and repetitive routines are calming and help reduce anxiety. 

What’s your routine?

Another simple thing you can do to relieve stress, anxiety, and yes, even depression, is to change the words you use. For instance, instead of saying, "I am stuck at home." or "I'm bored, and I have nothing to do", change the words to "I have an opportunity to spend time with my kids," or "I have the time to catch up on projects I have been putting off." Changing the words from negative to positive strengthens areas in the brain and helps improve one's cognitive function. Just changing a word from negative to positive automatically enhances your emotional wellbeing. Thoughts can affect your mood. When we have one of these negative thoughts, like “it’s going to be like this forever!” this creates a feeling of hopelessness. Which in turn affects our behavior. For example, you might just lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Then the cycle begins, now you are feeling depressed and not eating or sleeping. This cycle can keep on going around and around. So, how can you stop these negative thoughts? I know this might sound funny but argue with yourself! Tell yourself “no this is only temporary; I should use this time to get stuff done that I have been putting off.” Another way to help is by talking it out. You can talk with a friend, family member, or even your therapist. The nice thing about talking to your therapist is we have a thing call Confidentiality. Which means we cannot discuss what you say to anyone. Of course, there are exceptions. But, the nice thing about talking to a therapist is we won’t tell other family members or friends what you say. We are here to help you process those feelings. Try changing your words, or even arguing with yourself, and see if it helps.  

An additional thing you can do to help with stress is to keep busy! 

There are SO many activities.

Clean out the closet, the one that you keep saying you are going to get to (but never do). Our emotional health is affected by our surroundings. Uncluttering your house can reduce stress! Clutter can distract you, it makes you feel uneasy, and in general, clutter invites chaos into your life. There are several ways to start. Begin with one thing at a time, like organizing your books or cleaning out the utensil drawers. Then move on. A good rule of thumb is if you have not used an item or have not worn that piece of clothing in the last year, get rid of it. Donating unwanted items helps others, and you might be able to get a tax write off for it. 

House already uncluttered?

Well, another thing you can do is, read. How many of us keep saying “oh I have no time to read, but I would like too” well here is your chance! Did you know that reading is therapeutic, it called bibliotherapy (reading therapy). Bibliotherapy has been known to reduce stress, increase empathy, social skills, and interpersonal understanding. So, grab that book! Check out: 100 books to read in your lifetime

Before the Covid-19 our lives kept us so busy. It was impossible to spend a few days uncluttering or a few hours curled up with a good book. Now we are forced to take it slow. Which is not a bad thing. If you still can not think of something to do, I have included a list below just for you. 

Don't pass up the bonding opportunities.

Lastly, since we are all together, make sure to have fun. Spending quality time with our family can improve our mental health. Try play games with the family, this can be done virtually as well. Spend time preparing meals together. Not only does this teach the children how to cook, but it also is building a positive relationship, even if you burn the cookies. These are the things that make memories and something that we can all laugh about later. Did you know that Americans rarely eat together anymore? However, eating at the table together helps us handle the daily stressors of life, build relationships, and provide a space for communication. This gives the family time to come all together in one place, instead of being in separate rooms. Let us try having dinner at the table again. 

 Learn to play again

One of the most important fun activities a family can do together is to take a walk, bike, or even have a dance party around the house. Did you know when we exercise, our brain releases a feel-good chemical called endorphins? These chemicals enhance your sense of wellbeing. Exercising helps take our mind off our worries and is known to reduce anxiety and depression. Let’s get active. Children who spend more quality time doing fun activities with their parents are happier on average than those who spend less time with their parents. Get those board games out or ask your kids how to play Fortnite, Super Mario, or try Drawful. Have fun together with whatever you choose!

Now that you have some tools to help with your feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress that we all feel due to COVID-19; Try them, they just might help. And do not forget, to make your bed! 

Things I can do to help with Anxiety and/or Depression

Create a vision board                                           Do some adult coloring books
 Meditate.                                                               Take a shower
Light a scented candle                                         Sing along to your favorite music
Get enough sleep                                                 Get some exercise
Get on social media (keep the time-limited)       Pet your pet (play with them)
Help someone out.                                                Eat a salad or fruit
Take a nap                                                              Make a journal
Study something new                                           Talk to your therapist
Squeeze a stress ball.                                           Go swimming
Use Essential oils                                                  Drink COLD water
Breathing exercises                                              Try yoga or cha cha
Create a masterpiece                                            Drink herbal tea (have a tea party)
Get some sunshine                                               Go for a walk
Listen to Classical music                                      Play a game
Snuggle under a blanket with a book                  Watch some comedy
Look at old photos                                                 Doodle on paper
Write a letter to your future self                            Clean the house
Phone a friend                                                        Lay on the ground
Read a self-help book                                            Splash cold water on your face
Laugh.                                                                      Have faith in yourself
Close your eyes                                                      Declutter your bedroom
File those papers                                                    Chuck stuff out
Get on the treadmill                                                Start a garden
Try a new recipe                                                      Work on a puzzle
Knit/Crochet/Needlework

Divorced parents during COVID-19. Kids are okay, but what about the parents?

This time is unprecedented, as so many of us have read. There are so many of us that have had to completely change their lives around because of the shelter in place order. Whether it is working from home, being laid off and going on unemployment, working part-time from fulltime, etc. 
How about parenting? Teaching the kids full time while juggling work? All while trying to deal with the stress of wearing masks when going outside, explaining to the kids how wearing those masks are a protecting agent, but against what? This can all be so, well, daunting. We’ve read so much about this already we could probably recite a lot of it with our eyes closed. And, that’s a good thing!

Another topic we’ve read about is making sure the kiddos are safe, secure, and know that no matter what both parents, regardless of marital status love and care for them. When there is a child custody issue, often visits have to change or stop completely because of the shelter in place order. Of course, the parent who does not have the kids can do several things in order to make sure to keep in touch. Such as schedule visits for another time, schedule zoom meetings, facetime meets, send cards, and letters, and have nightly phone calls or texts. These can all make the kids still feel connected to their parent who is not with them.

But, what about the parent who is not with their child? How can that parent cope with not seeing their child each and every day? If this is you, you may hear things like, “at least you’re getting a break!” and to that, you may want to scream. Or, you might hear, “don’t worry, you’ll see them soon!” What does that even mean in a time like this? You may be feeling lonely, frustrated at the other parent for getting “all of the time” with your kiddo, or just plain helpless. You’re missing out and there doesn’t seem to be an end!

So, what can you do to ease this anguish? Breathe. That’s right; breathe. Talk with the other parent, if it’s acceptable to do so, and let them know how you feel and that you feel their pain, too. It’s probably just as hard on them having the kids all of the time as it is on you not having them at all. See if you can set up a social distancing visit a few times a week. If you are accustomed to texting, perhaps set up weekly face time meetings in addition to texting so you can see and hear each other’s voices and faces. Become pen pals and write to each other either via email or snail mail. Everything helps with the connection.

Co-Parenting during COVID

It seems this "shelter in place" is a time that is going to tests mom's and dad's nerves when it comes to "custody arrangements". Some of these arrangements have to do with school terms and when parents have made arrangements for custody when school is in or out of session, to attempt to make arrangements helpful for the children and parents. 

Now, since kids are being taught "at home" or homeschooled with check-ins from teachers throughout the week. Parents have had to change custody arrangements. Courts are not in session, so for now, the goodwill of both parents is very important. It should be recognized that most parents are very dutiful about thinking of their children when making new arrangements. "Travel" back and forth for children and parents needs to be one of goodwill and fair understanding of the travel ban in their area.  

When parents don't show "goodwill" to each other, children will feel the tension, (they already have way too much of that in the Pandemic). Kids know when mom and dad don't agree and can't co-parent well.  How to make this fair to everyone should be the concern, especially towards the children's benefit. 
Parents! Here is what you need to do: sit down and have the adult conversation without the children and make sound arrangements. Some parents live very close to one another, but other households might be 20, 30 miles away from children's friends, grandparents or other extended families. Keep these specifics in mind as you discuss arrangements. You can spend tons of money going back and forth with attorneys and the courts. Or you can stop squabbling during this very serious time, and work to have a good plan. Then let the children know why and how these arrangements are in their best interest. Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime, can provide parents and children time to talk when they are at the other parent's home; you can talk about the week or the day together. A parent can call and say good-night to their child. You can help them with homework from the teacher via "connections".

At this time in our world, children need the stability of good, caring parents who can set their differences aside, and come together for the children. 

Want more information? Check out my latest Vlog on this topic: Keeping the kids feeling safe

Nature Therapy

   “In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks.” - John Muir

Doctors in Scotland are authorized to prescribe nature to patients to help reduce blood pressure, anxiety, increase happiness, treat post-cancer fatigue, obesity, diabetes, mental illness, and much more!!  For example, a walk in the country reduces, mental illness, and much more!! For example, a walk in the country reduces depression in 71% of participants according to a study from the University of Essex. By spending 90 minutes a day outside, you can decrease activity in the part of your brain that is associated with depression.

In fact, as little as just five minutes strolling in the park or gardening improves self-esteem, mood, and motivation as per the study!

‘Ecotherapy’ also known as ‘green therapy, ‘nature therapy’, or ‘earth-centered therapy’ is an emerging form of treatment to healing emotionally, physically, and psychologically.  It has many benefits such as a boost to our immunity and a reduction in anxiety, ADHD, and aggression. For example, just 30 mins of brisk walking in the sunshine can increase the circulation of natural killer cells, white blood cells, and other immune system warriors.

A Body in Motion Keeps the Mind Active Too! Walking can help bring our attention to the present moment so that we can use all our senses to enjoy the moment. While walking, pay mindful attention to the odor of the wood, or fragrance of the orange blossoms, the sound of the stream, or the chirping of birds. This provides relaxation and reduces stress. Walking outdoors has been recommended because it inspires feelings of awe which gives us a secondary brain boost.  We need this in order to reduce the mental overload caused by our busy lives.

If you decide to take a walk in a green environment, be sure to wear appropriate clothing, take along a water bottle for hydration, and protect your skin by wearing sunscreen. Walking outdoors compared to indoors have many more benefits and serves as a mini-therapy allowing both mind and body to reset.

For those who are too busy to walk, try to squeeze in walking during your lunch hour, listen to a podcast, or walk to the grocery store for example.  Statistically speaking, less than 5% of the people are performing 30 minutes of physical activity per day. However, our bodies were designed to be moving and not follow a sedentary lifestyle.

Lastly, the law defined by Isaac Newton states that a body in motion will stay in motion and a body in rest will stay in rest.  It is, therefore, crucial for us to keep moving our body at least for 30 minutes a day to keep it functioning at optimum. I invite you to think deeply about our connection of the mind-body with nature. 

Lets Focus on the Children

Our world is going through something many of us have not seen in our lifetime. For that reason, we need to focus a bit on our children.  You will notice some of your children are anxious, confused, perhaps having nightmares or not wanting to go to sleep. 

When very young children, 5 and under hear the news over and over again, throughout the day, they believe all this chaos is going on over and over again; they become very anxious and afraid. If you have that young of children, please have them in another room if you going to binge-watch the news.
  
For children 6 through 10, they also may have some of the same reactions. They might stop doing schoolwork, and not wanting to do their chores at home. They may feel guilty and helpless especially if they know someone who has gotten ill or even died. Children also understand the risk their parents are taking if they are essential workers, this can cause them to be extra stressed or worry, understandable of course. 
  
Youth and adolescents 11-19 go through a lot of physical and emotional changes because of their developmental stage. So it may be even harder for them to cope with the anxiety associated with hearing and reading news of the outbreak. Don't forget they have lost a lot too, no promotions/graduations, no prom, no first/last season on the varsity team they worked so hard for. They are grieving those lost memories. 

They may say, "I'm ok" or go into silence when they are upset. They may complain about physical aches and pains. All this, because they cannot identify what is really bothering them emotionally. They may also experience anxiety/depression - start arguments at home with siblings or parents and resist any structure or authority. And, they may try to engage in risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol.

As parents, caretakers, and guardians we want to help, 

With the right support around them, children and teens can manage their stress in response to COVID-19. We want them emotionally and physically healthy.  Perhaps a family "making dinner together" will help, or playing a game of scrabble might just be the right thing. Be a good listener, turn the TV off at times, and bring out the old games that might be familiar to them. They can use hugs, and non-judgemental coaxing.
Often parents on the front line need some "space, time and debriefing" as well and some ways to relax. This is normal and a healthy way to process the stress of the day. Try to maintain consistent routines, let your children know you care and love them, and address your own anxiety and stress, during this debrief.

Sheltering in place means everyone needs some personal space and time.  Find a way to make that happen. Keep things in perspective to relieve your stress. Eat healthy foods, and drink lots of water. Avoid excessive amounts of caffeine and alcohol. Don't use tobacco or illegal drugs. To the best of your ability, get adequate sleep, take breaks throughout the day and add in physical exercise.

We will get through this, eventually, we will come out on the other side stronger. Kids need your help as parents to get them through the other side of this. You can do it.

The three levels of Monitoring Your Children

When it is your time to “watch the kids” it can be exhausting and overwhelming; often keeping you from placing your mind on other things. The real problem is that when it IS your turn… your mind SHOULD be placed ON THE KIDS; rather than your own agenda.

To make this easier, I have a tip that might take the edge off.

Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!

First Level: Monitor from a distance. This allows independent activity for them and the opportunity for you to sit (one of my favorite things, next to crawling in bed). All you do is keep an eye out for trouble in the form of strangers, accidents, and conflicts with peers. This is the time for you to do something like phone calls. Something that can be accomplished without having to take your eyes off your children. This form of supervision encourages creative, independent thought and resiliency.

Second Level: Be a cheerleader. This brings you in (Yes, you have to actually get up and move closer to them.) close enough to laugh with them as they enjoy themselves, encourage them when they are learning a new skill, and intervene if they get in a jam. It also allows you to get to know the other kids that may be around. This is helpful to encourage shy children and build self-esteem.

Third Level: Interactive Parallel-Play (sitting with and doing the same thing, but separately, while monitoring for behavior and safety.) or Cooperative Play (working on the same project, game, or activity together, while monitoring for behavior and safety.). Get in there with them! Climb, pretend, twirl, swing, color, but, most importantly… interact! DO NOT nag, chide, complain, fuss or insult them! Nobody likes having their feelings hurt and nobody likes a fun-sucker! Have fun with them, at their level!

Share in their world of imagination and play. It is a rich, rewarding world that is just as important, and meaningful, as yours! This step encourages bonding and often we transmit our family and personal values to our children as we play.

Play is good for all of us.

My hope is that you take pleasure in monitoring your little ones, learning their ins and outs, and playing with them. They will thrive and grow stronger knowing that you take joy in the time you spend with them!

Mental Illness in My Own Family

One of the hardest things to accept has been the loss of my son to a mental disorder. I remember the day 30 years ago, the day he was born planning his life. I picked out the preschool he would attend, elementary, middle, high school and college with no thought that his path was chosen and I would be the one and other family members adjusting to the changes that were going to affect all of our lives.

I remember thinking and feeling what an angel,

he looked like, rosy cheeks, blue eyes, and brown hair. The perfect child; as infant always smiling, watching observing and being content. He responded to cuddling, kisses from everyone, children and adults with smiles; as he grew the most cooperative, mellow, observant and accommodating child to everyone who came in his presence. I had no idea the changes that were waiting in his future and the devastating effects his illness would play on the family's future.

I was blindsided by his deteriorating behavior towards me and I wondered would I be able to manage the challenges that are not part of normal/regular parenting. This was an eye-opener and a glimpse of what was to come. Two years prior to the decline in his behavior; it started in middle school: skipping classes and being truant to class regularly and lastly not attending his middle school graduation.

I remember looking and searching for him the entire day only to discover he was at a classmate's house smoking marijuana. His delinquent behavior from that moment increased to almost daily defiance. I was at a loss on what to do! The next move was to seek out counseling services but to no avail.

He refused to participate and only resisted my efforts to help him. At that point, I chose to help myself and practice self-care in an effort to deal with the issues to come so I attended counseling to learn coping skills to maintain my own emotional and mental stability.

Without therapy, I don't believe I would have been able to maintain and navigate the challenges that come with parenting a mentally unwell adolescent. My story does not end here and this is only the beginning in a series of articles....

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Danisha McCrary, AMFT knows first-hand how difficult it is to love someone with a chronic mental illness. She has worked with many families that were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, Danisha assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, teach people how to manage crisis situations, and find new healthy ways to cope in life. Danisha is fond of saying, “that we all can use a little bit of help from time to time, even me.” If you want to work with Danisha give our office a call.

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By: Danisha McCrary, AMFT

I found my passion for working with children, teens and families when I was a Social Worker for Child Protective Services. These families were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, I desire to assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, help manage stressful life events and find new healthy directions in life.

I am fond of saying, “we all can use a little bit of help from time to time, even me.”

 I believe people and families can develop the coping skills needed for healthier relationships. Nobody wants to feel sad, depressed, angry or anxious. I have seen plenty of people get better and enjoy their lives and families again. I believe in hope.

My specialty is working with people from age 5 to 80 who experience depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, feeling stuck, or just can’t find the joy in life anymore.  

I have found children and families can be resilient by participating in therapy and learning the skills needed to recover and manage their life struggles. My priority is to find the best therapeutic model to assist you and your family in healing and developing a healthy relationship. Because we all deserve to feel good about ourselves and have loving and caring friends and family.

Perspective – what being a client taught me about being a better therapist

As a therapist, my clients often ask, “do you have a therapist?” And, I answer honestly, “yes.”

One would think that it would be confusing or even unethical to divulge such personal information to my clients that I, too, like them, have seen, and/or is currently seeing my own personal therapist. It can lead to further personal questions. Such as:

“What do you talk about?”

“Do you have the same problems as me?”

And, the biggest one: “If you go see a therapist, how can you help me with my own problems?”

Here’s the thing about seeking out help from a third party that is uninvolved with the issues that are going on in your life (or mine): they are in a position to provide unbiased perspectives (see what I did there) on what is happening and to guide you (or me) through situations where you (or I) may feel stuck. 

Therapy benefits everyone; even therapists. We often hear of self-care and how that is crucial to all parts of our health – mental, emotional, and physical. If you could think of therapy as another way of self-care, why wouldn’t a therapist who engages in providing therapy to their clients on a daily basis want to engage in the same type of care?

Therapy is beneficial and therapists who engage in their own personal therapy would only prove to gain more insight into themselves. This increased intimate awareness just adds to their self-care routines and provides them with further opportunities to become a better therapist for their clients. 

Below are a few reasons why:

• Occasionally, problems from life are not life-threatening or traumatic. Yet, we still encounter issues that cause us stress! Therapy can help us deal with these emotions from these taxing encounters.

• Other times, we see a problem, we know it’s there, and yet, we just cannot figure it out. We cannot find the answer no matter what we do. Therapy can help dissect those problems and guide us to a solution that best fits us.

• Talking with a therapist can help us find perspective (ah, there it is again!) and help us build up and strengthen coping skills that we’ve either had all along or just needed reminding of.

• Finally, therapy can really clear out the cobwebs or pull away the wool from our eyes so we can see clearer about what is truly important for us and our overall wellness.

Just from that list, one could see that anyone could take advantage from having a good therapist. When I am confronted with a client who now feels somewhat tense about their own therapist going to therapy, I explain those points and it dismisses a few of those nerves. We can all gain from being able to clear our minds and set our hearts at ease through the process of therapy and with the guidance and perspective of a good therapist. There is no shame in needing help. 

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By Léah Almilli, AMFT

I believe everyone has a right to be heard and feel comfortable in their own space. My methodology to the therapeutic practice is eclectic and I consider each client to be the guide in their own progression. I offer a holistic, client-centered approach to the process, allowing the person the opportunities to discover how their pasts can lead into their futures. 

I have a passion for working with people of all ages, including children, teens, young adults, adults, couples/families, and people navigating all stages and phases of their lives. My therapy rooms are always non-judgmental and compassionate to ensure that the clients can feel safe to explore what is needed.

I am a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), and I am fluent in American Sign Language.

Five tips on how to deal with toxic family members during the holidays

Families members are the people who can find the buttons we have and push them as though they were on an elevator. A perfect time for family members to do that are on holidays when everyone is stressed, anxious and exhausted. Toxic family members are known for ruining perfectly good holiday moments as a sort of sport.

One of the most upsetting aspects of being around a toxic family can often be that you feel like you have no control.

Let’s set the scene; you go to grandma’s house and there is aunt Rachel in all her glory ready to start commenting on everyone’s biggest insecurities; you aren’t in your own home so that makes you more vulnerable to begin with; you look on your Facebook and you see everyone else’s families are enjoying themselves so you think to yourself “well, I guess seeing aunt Rachel can’t be THAT bad.” What comes next is right, aunt Rachel isn’t THAT bad, she’s worse and all you are left thinking is “how do I get out of here with some dignity intact?”  The truth is you will never be able to control other people but with these tips you can control how you respond to those tricky family situations.

1. Be aware of your triggers - What this means is if you know aunt Rachel is going to comment on your haircut, don’t open yourself up to that. If she starts asking about your hair, excuse yourself, or change the subject entirely. If she manages to sneak in a passive-aggressive comment, give the least amount of emotional attention to it because the reaction is what toxic people thrive on most of all.

2. Do your own self-care - What this means is to make sure you are keeping your mental health intact the best way possible by keeping stress down. Go to your yoga class, or going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people who care about you, so when aunt Rachel is at it again, you can text your best friend your favorite explicit emoji and she “gets” it.

3. Set reasonable expectations - This means understanding how your family is and accepting it. You don’t have to like it but you do need to accept it and understanding that they won’t change. Stop setting the bar so high; because these toxic people can’t meet it. If there is any real change with your family members, it is better to be pleasantly surprised, than having to be stressed with your toxic family members. Just focus on surviving the event, and consider anything else positive that happens a bonus. Think of this as looking at the big picture; aunt Rachel is just behaving as she always has.

4. Keep your boundaries - Ask yourself if you even really need to be there in the first place. Have you hit the point where you cannot handle being around your family without having severe panic attacks or a colossal guilt trip?  Then better to skip the event, stay home or better yet, go spend the holiday with your favorite people. Skipping the event altogether is way better than you being upset the entire time you are there. Having that sick feeling in your stomach or feeling beat-up emotionally is simply not worth it. Sometimes it is healthier to let yourself have your own space from those family members. Thinking about attending only when the toxic behaviors changes, never lower the boundaries and your expense.

5. Keep conversations light - Everyone has triggering conversations and one way to avoid this is to keep conversations light; movies, weather, do not talk about politics, religion, money or about other people that are not present. These topics have a lot of emotions tied to them and it is easy to get caught up and then feel badly after the conversation.

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By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment- it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Why being a therapist is better for me than being almost anything else

I heard a Minister, when I was about 14 years old, who really set a fire in my soul. He talked about humanity, and the need for folks to help each other in life.

My jobs were being a mom, a secretary, an aide to children in school, and a “parent advocate” but eventually, the call to be a therapist was strong. It took hours, years, to get through school to learn this trade/ministry/service.

In this service of being a therapist, it encompasses counseling, addiction counseling, play therapy, relationship building with families and couples, and helping those in need. I get to help folks work on mindfulness, person-hood, mental health, spirituality, emotions, principles, anxiety, philosophy, self-worth, and their place in the community and world.

I’ve learned through the years this "therapist gig" is what I was called to do, and this by far is the most rewarding career, personally, to me. Good colleagues, clients who want to make life long changes in their lives, or just a small change - to be happier and more fulfilled in their work.

Something that matters to me a lot is that this is a great way to create something that can be quickly be passed on to others. My heart lights up when I am able to supervise younger folks who also want to be therapists - no matter what the age, right out of a Master’s Program and in their 20’s, or those who have a second or third career, and enter this magnificent arena.

 I have had great therapists too, one in high school during a very dark time in my life, and one in my 30’s. These two women had helped me’ in very different ways but they helped me and I wanted to help others as they had.

 The act of sitting and facing a client, and the interactions and conversations, are more than just a friend across the table, but a communion of minds and hearts mending trauma, bringing forth a sense of hope to the client and a willingness to reach and grow in life.

 I am grateful to have been doing this work for the last 35 years. And also grateful that I do a job that I feel passionate about, in the service of others.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

Judy McGehee, LMFT, works out of the Riverside office at Central Counseling Services. She is passionate about helping people. Judy is understanding, kind and has a good ear for just listing. She feels that therapy can help if we are willing to try. To talked to Judy call us to set up an appointment.